ax_main | Tamara and Shen - Backdated to the day after the announcement

The announcement puts things into perspective for Shen, and the girls talk again. With entirely better results.

Shen really had needed some time. It was easy now, with some distance, to see that their last talk had happened way too soon. It wasn't as if she didn't have a temper, and it had flared at the first provocation, even if it wasn't meant to be one. And then there had been Tamara's texts, and they had brought another layer of hurt, and anger.

Anger was never a good place to start a conversation.

And then Professor Xavier had made his announcement, and she'd woken up to Jeanne-Marie sobbing in the middle of the night. Way to put things into perspective. At least the announcement itself hadn't traumatized Shen. Despite Xavier being a total Dumbledore, she felt just as Jeanne-Marie did, that they could accomplish something good. They'd just have to keep an eye on the old white guy.

But the point was, this was a silly fight, and Shen ought to give Tamara a fair shake, which she hadn't, with how quickly she'd gotten upset. Today would be about the Right Speech and the Right Mindfulness.

With that in mind, Shen walked over to Tamara after classes, still carrying her books. The atmosphere had been kinda weird all day, but Shen wasn't focused on much of anything but Tamara right then. "Hey," she said, holding her gaze and speaking as neutrally as she could manage. "So. Let's maybe try talking again?"

It caught Tamara offguard - she'd gotten used to avoiding and being avoided by Shen at this point - so she blinked stupidly for a moment. "Really?" Another blink, and she picked up her own books. "I mean, yeah."

"You wanna head outside?" Shen offered. Neither one of their rooms would be neutral territory, and there was nowhere inside where they would be sure not to be interrupted. Outside was their best bet.

"Yeah, okay," Tamara agreed with a nod. She had a whole mess of emotions about this and didn't really want to pick through them yet.

They started walking towards the lobby, and Shen asked, "How do you feel about the Professor's announcement?" Not because it was a safe topic as they walked - although that didn't hurt - but because if Tamara was upset over it, this might not be the best moment to have this conversation.

Oh god, that was even more confusing, Tamara really couldn't do both. "No no no, one headache at a time please? I dunno yet."

Yeah, that did not bode well, and Shen stopped walking, turning to Tamara. "If you're messed up about that, our stuff can wait."

"No, I'm not, and I'd really rather talk to you," Tamara replied, shaking her head.

Shen held Tamara's gaze for a while, then nodded. "Okay." It was Tamara's choice, really, and Shen couldn't make it for her, so she started walking again.

Tamara walked in silence, still not sure what she should or shouldn’t say. Shen was touchy about things, and apparently hard for Tamara to read, and it left her feeling like one wrong move would doom the whole conversation. Which was suuuuuper uncomfortable, but this was Shen, so she’d deal.

Shen was just fine not saying anything on the way out. It didn't feel awkward to her; it gave her some extra moments to gather her thoughts, and make sure that she started this from the right place. They reached the front door, and had been walking for a few moments on the outside path, when she looked at Tamara and said, "I lost my temper last time. I'm - going to try not to do that again." Try, yeah; she couldn't promise she'd manage. She'd never been very good at zen.

“Okay,” Tamara said carefully. She felt a little skeptical, because being outside meant Shen could fly off again any time she wanted, but okay. “And I’m gonna just play like a total idiot and make zero guesses about what you do or don’t feel unless you actually tell me.” Hey, she could learn.

That wasn't phrased in the best way possible, but Shen wasn't going to focus on that. Focus on the positive in what Tamara was saying, instead. Right. She nodded, thoughtfully, then looked back at Tamara. "I'm not being a possessive freak or - whatever it was you thought." That still hurt to contemplate. "To me, it's basic respect. Your friend is making out with someone, you don't make out with that someone. Or you check in or something, if you like them enough that you really wanna."

Tamara nodded. She and Clarice had talked about it some, and she thought she was starting to get it. “Right. And I didn’t get that, at all.” She still wanted to protest that she’d thought Shen and Shinobi were a one-time, party-only thing, but at least now she had the sense to keep a lid on that.

"But you do now?" Shen asked, both doubtful and hopeful.

“Mostly,” Tamara replied honestly, with a humorless half-smile. Well, hopefully Shen meant what she said about not getting mad. “And that’s the policy I’ll operate on from here on out, I promise.” She bit her lip, then added, “And just so I don’t seem like a total monster, I really thought you’d just made out with Shinobi like a one-time party thing, and if I’d thought it was more than that, I swear I would’ve talked to you first. Or possibly just told him to fuck off,” she added with a little shrug. “But yeah, I screwed up. I get that now.”

"It's cool," Shen said, honestly. "I mean, I don't even know if I'll make out with him again. I wouldn't mind, but..." She shrugged. "I meant it when I said it wasn't about him. It's more like, respecting each other. Especially in a school this small, drama is gonna be way too easy if we don't pay attention to stuff like that." She shrugged one shoulder, wings shifting. "Case in point."

“Yeah, lesson definitely learned there,” Tamara replied, relief flooding through her. She’d been half-certain that Shen would be pissed at her again, so this was totally welcome.

"Cool," Shen stated, nodding along to the word. There were so many things to address still, but she was kind of tired of it all, and she wasn't even sure how to bring any of them up. Or should she just get over them? Focus on the big picture and screw the details? Because that sounded like a pretty sound plan to her.

Tamara sighed, running a hand through her hair. That still left one major thing to discuss. “So... Shinobi.”

Shen frowned, confused. "What about -" Her eyebrows raised. "Do you actually have feelings for him?"

Tamara winced. “I... might?” Huffing a breath, she looked away, not sure she wanted to see Shen’s face. “I mean, I’m not in love with him or anything like that, and maybe it’ll be nothing, but...”

This was exactly why you didn't do that shit. That horrible feeling that Shen didn't want to feel, but that still constricted her lungs, like she was being robbed of something that had been really awesome. This was the time not to think of the way Shinobi's hands had felt on her wings. Not think of the things he'd whispered as he touched her. She was going to not think of anything, because there were no feelings, not really.

"Knock yourself out," she said, although her throat felt tight. At least she sounded normal, even though she didn't feel it.

Tamara looked back at Shen, honestly shocked. "...just like that?"

"What, did you want us to fight over him?" Shen asked, unable to keep the tension from her voice this time. She sighed, trying to dismiss the frown from her brow. "Look, I'm beginning to wish I'd never made out with him right now." Except not really, because it had been way too amazing, but... yeah. That feeling in her chest really sucked. "You have feelings for him, I don't. Have fun, whatever."

Tamara's wings drooped a little behind her. She'd been trying to do what she apparently should've from the start. "Of course I don't want us to fight over him, Shen. I was just... trying not to immediately make the same mistake, y'know?"

She was doing a bang-up job of it, but Shen managed not to say so out loud. She focused on her breathing a few times; Tian would've been proud of her. Well, okay, probably not, but she was trying. "Look." Shen stopped walking so she could turn to Tamara. "You say you have feelings for him, so I'm telling you to go ahead. It doesn't mean I'm happy about it, because I still feel cheated. So please don't make it even worse by, like, picking at it."

Ugh, she shouldn't have said that part about feeling cheated. Should she have said any of it? This situation was so messed up, and she just wanted it to be a thing of the past. There were much more important things to focus on.

Tamara frowned, but at least Shen had said what she meant that time. "Right, not picking at it," she said, holding her hands up in surrender. She would've called it 'talking about it', but Shen clearly didn't want that. "And I'm sorry you feel that way..."

"Yeah." Not sorry enough to not keep seeing Shinobi, apparently, but Shen knew how unfair thinking that was, and so she didn't say it. "Well. It is what it is."

"Are we gonna be okay?" Tamara couldn't read Shen right now.

"I hope so," Shen answered, which wasn't a yes, because she still felt too hurt for it to be a yes now. But they would get there, she had to hope.

It wasn't what Tamara had been hoping for, but it sure beat where they'd been before. She gave Shen a half-smile. "Well, that's a start at least."

"Yeah." Shen nodded to emphasize the word, as if the gesture could help make her feel it.

That... was probably the best outcome Tamara could reasonably hope for. So she didn't press for anything more. Instead, she turned and started walking again, pulling her hair over one shoulder.

"So, you've already got your thoughts together on what the Professor said?" she asked, as a kind of olive branch.

"Moving on from one headache to the next?" Shen asked, wondered whether it had come off as defensive when she hadn't meant it to, then just inwardly shrugged it off. "I don't know that I trust him, but doing something to help people sounds right."

"Yeah, but how will we know if he's sending us to do good or not? I doubt it's always gonna be obvious..." That was the problem Tamara kept coming back to. "Well, I say 'us' but I really mean 'them', it's not like I can join up. But still."

"We'll see on a case by case basis, I guess," Shen replied with a shrug. She figured that it was Tamara's semi-celebrity status that stood in the way of her joining.

"That's what makes me nervous," Tamara said, crossing her arms over her chest. "We could be in deep before we figure it out."

"There's that 'we' again," Shen remarked.

Tamara smirked. “I’m still part of the ‘we’ in this case, I mean all of us here at the school. Students. No matter who’s on the team, we’re all in it together, y’know?”

"Yes and no," Shen replied. "I mean, you'll be a lot less likely to get arrested if you don't join." She meant a general 'you' more than Tamara in particular. "But having the team at all can and will impact the school as a whole, yeah. Not much we can do about that, though, not unless nobody signs up."

“Well yeah, but more than that, I’m gonna have their backs in whatever ways I can,” Tamara said, clarifying. “If he puts my friends in danger for some bullshit reason, you can bet I’ll be raising hell - but it’ll be too late to prevent it by then.”

"I'm mostly hoping he's going to stop withholding so much information," Shen answered honestly. At least the subject matter was way too important to let herself linger on any emotional fallout from their earlier conversation.

“Are you gonna join?” Tamara turned to look at Shen as she asked, because this was the most important question really.

"Yeah," Shen confirmed without an instant's hesitation. If she could help, she would.

That made Tamara smile, and she bumped Shen's wing with one of her own. "Figured you would."

"I don't think anyone who knows me would be surprised," Shen confirmed, only a little awkwardly. "What about you? You don't want to join because of the vlogs?"

Tamara supposed that was fair, and maybe she was less pleased that she'd been right and more that Shen would be there. If anything wasn't right, Shen wouldn't hesitate to speak up or push back. It made Tamara feel better about the whole thing.

"Well yeah, there's that," she said, settling both wings behind her again, huffing a little sigh. "There's also the fact that I can't fly yet, and I'm tiny AND I'm fragile. I don't have strength or healing or anything like that, I'd be pretty useless."

"You're baseline-fragile, and I doubt we won't have any of those on the team," Shen remarked. She couldn't fly yet, and tiny women could kick ass with the best of them. They sounded like excuses rather than real reasons to her, especially knowing Tamara.

"I'd be in the way," Tamara grumped. "At best. Even if I fly, I can't carry anyone. And one bad hit? That's it for me. My wings won't grow back like yours do." She wasn't sure she'd join even if all that wasn't true, but not even having the option didn't sit well with her.

So Tamara was scared. Shen knew better than to point it out; Tamara wouldn't take it kindly, she figured, especially right now with things so weird between them. And it wasn't as if that wasn't a very sane response. A lot healthier than deciding to join a vigilante group of superheroes, by far. "Whatever you want," she settled on, diplomatically.

Tamara pouted, looking at Shen again. “Don’t give me that,” she complained. She liked that Shen would tell it to her straight. That was one of the best parts of their friendship. “Tell me what you think.”

"I think you should do whatever you want," Shen insisted. Although she could say more, since Tamara wanted her to. "And that being scared of getting hurt is way healthier than jumping at the chance of playing superhero, all things considered."

Nodding, Tamara managed half a smile. Shen was right, she was scared. “It’s not ‘hurt’ so much as ‘dead’ or ‘grounded’ that scares me, but... yeah, guess I’m scared. And since there’s not a ton I could really add to the team, the risks kinda outweigh the benefits or whatever.” She puffed another little sigh, but at least she had a better handle on things now. “Guess I’ll save my hero-ing for YouTube - I think I can actually do some good there, and cheer you guys on.”

It took a second for Shen to work out that she meant grounded in the literal sense, and she smiled at Tamara's conclusion. "Lots of ways to fight." And to be perfect honest with herself, right then, she was glad to have something that Tamara didn't join.

“Just gotta get the Professor to let me make more videos,” Tamara said by way of agreement, but she was smiling again. Come on, he was forming a vigilante squad of super-powered teens, what were a few videos compared to that? Hell, he’d need someone to tell their side.

"He'd better not tell you to stop," Shen said honestly. They needed that kind of voice out there, and if Tamara's first video was any indication, Tamara was good at it.

"It's probably time to talk to him about it again - he told me not to post anything more after that first one, but now he's talking vigilante teams, so a few videos probably don't seem so crazy," Tamara said, a little smirk pulling at her lips. Come to think of it, he'd practically given her leverage on the matter.

"Sounds about right," Shen nodded. She couldn't decide if it would be better or worse to talk to him before or after the week was up, so she didn't offer any advice on that front.

"What should the next video be?" Tamara asked, excitement in her voice as she looked up at Shen.

"It's your vlog, you tell me," Shen answered with raised eyebrows. "What are you thinking of addressing?"

Tamara bit at her lip for a moment before answering. "The one I really want to do is about when my wings came in, but... I'm not sure I'm ready for that one yet," she said quietly. Even admitting that much made her uncomfortable.

"Yeah, you don't wanna post anything you're not ready for," Shen sympathized. Not with the kind of backlash she'd get in the comments. "Maybe something less personal, then?"

"It just feels so important - like, what if some other mutant gets their wings chopped because no one talked about it?" She'd been lucky, armed with electricity and a bad attitude. Warren would've been screwed.

"Or some other appendage," Shen agreed, thinking of Kurt's wonderful tail. She gave Tamara a small smile. "It is important. But you can't keep fighting the good fight if you don't also think of yourself." So she reiterated, "When you're ready."

“Yeah... maybe I could talk about how to be a mutant ally for the next one?” The idea had just popped into her head, now that she’d put aside her other idea. “Kinda build on what we’ve been talking about with the club?”

Shen paused thoughtfully. "Don't you want to explain more about the discrimination we face, first? Get the baselines to want to be mutant allies before you explain how to be?"

This was exactly why Tamara was glad to be talking to Shen. “You’re totally right. And I can do that without talking about wing amputations, I think.” Probably. She looked up at Shen again. “Wanna help me brainstorm? And I totally promise you can help with this one, no more sneaking around - cross my heart.”

Shen gave her a small smile at the clear effort she was making, although it did nothing to smooth out the unease she still felt. "Sure."

“Cool,” Tamara said, breathing a little sigh of relief. “I’d really appreciate the help,” Tamara added honestly, starting to steer them back toward the school, eager to get started. “That first one I knew exactly what I wanted to say, this one is definitely more complicated!”

"I bet," Shen confirmed. She bit down on her lip, then added, "Can we brainstorm later, though?" She had a lot to process as it was, and she didn't want to bury it all. Tian had reminded her where that kind of thing led, and there was so much going on already. "Besides, you need to talk to the Professor, first."

Tamara’s face scrunched at the thought. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Oh boy. “But yeah, whenever. Um...” Maybe Shen needed some time away from her now? Tamara didn’t like the thought, because it meant things weren’t right between them yet, but she also didn’t want to fuck things up again. “Is there something else you want to do now?”

"Go fly a bit, honestly," Shen answered after a beat. There was no use beating around the bush. Neither of them were the sort.

Tamara huffed a playful little sigh, figuring she couldn’t really argue with that. “Y’know one of these days I’m gonna be able to join you.”

"Yeah, that's the idea," Shen confirmed. But this time, it was at least half about getting some time to herself. Flying was as close to meditating as she'd ever gotten.

“Alright, well, I won’t keep you then,” Tamara said, just a little awkwardly. This probably wasn’t a great sign of where things were at, but at least it was better than when she’d flown off last time?

Shen started to feel bad - but then stomped hard on that guilt. No. She was allowed some time to sort through her feelings, ugh. "Yeah," she nodded. "I'll see you around. Dinner, or - tomorrow. Let me know when you've talked to Xavier."

“Yeah, okay. See you soon,” Tamara said, giving a little wave before turning back to the school on her own. She’d done what she could, and once Shen had a chance to think some more, hopefully things would go back to normal.

Shen watched Tamara walk away for a few seconds, then flexed her knees and jumped high into the air, wings spreading to catch the wind.