Cal and Pam

[ax_fatale]

Pam sends Cal a letter, and they get together and talk. Yes, you read that right.



Hey,

The doc said I should write you a letter. He said it would help me come to terms with some things, or something like that. I think he wanted me to apologize for having stabbed you, but I'm not really all that sorry so I don't see the point. You were trying to kill me, both of us are still alive, whatever.

Maybe that's a fucked up way to look at it, but it's the only one I've got. Anyway, I guess I'm kind of sorry it came to that, so that much I'll apologize for.

I do figure I probably owe you an explanation, though, so here it is.

The Right picked and trained me to be an assassin. I know this is probably where I'm supposed to say that I hated every minute of it, but if I have to write this, I might as well tell the truth. I wanted that. I was probably the one person in the whole fucking place who at least started off thinking I was the luckiest person on Earth, being there. They wanted me, they told me I had potential, and all the crap they put me through was going to be worth it, because I was going to be the best. I didn't even care what they were going to have me do, which is probably pretty fucked up, but it didn't matter. They told me I was worth something, and I wanted to prove they were right.

Yeah, I know, you probably don't get that. I don't care. Maybe that's why it's not as hard as I thought it would be to write this; you don't give a fuck about me anyway, and you probably stopped reading this back at the first bit. But I wanted to be the best, I wanted to make them proud, and I would've done pretty much anything they wanted me to.

Except kill Alex. But I lucked out and they never asked me to do that. Maybe they would have eventually, but before they could we got out, and I killed the bastards for putting us through hell. Just like they'd trained me to do. Part of me - no, all of me, really - was pretty fucking proud of that.

Part of me wanted them to be proud of that, too, though they probably weren't because, y'know, dead.

But anyway, we were out, and we joined up with the Brotherhood, and maybe I was kind of fucked up, but at least I knew I was still the best.

And then you showed up. And yeah, I'm not an idiot. Someone who could grab anyone's powers without the scientists having to fuck with their genes would've been worth a whole lot more to them than me, especially since Dr. Essex had said they couldn't experiment on me any more. They wouldn't have wanted me once they had you trained, not unless they kept me around in case you didn't work out, and maybe that was what they'd been doing. Everything I'd been through didn't mean shit, everything they'd told me was bullshit, and you proved it. You grabbed up my powers, everything that made me special, and acted like it was no big deal, because for you it wasn't.

I still kind of hate you for that. But mostly it scared the shit out of me, because...if I wasn't the best, if I wasn't Fatale - who the fuck was I but Pamela Greenwood? Who at the end of the day was nothing but fucked up, co-dependent, bastard trailer trash.

I'm finally figuring out that there's maybe more to me than that. That Pam has - that I have - friends, and a job or two in Genosha that put everything I learned to use, and a team who has my back. That I have Alex, and that he's not just with me because he's fucked up too, but because he actually wants to be. And yeah, you're probably reading this thinking "yeah, that's not much", but whatever.

It kinda is.

So fine. I guess I am sorry I tried to kill you. It won't happen again.

Pam

P.S. If you haven't already thrown this out, can you let Doc Samson know I actually sent it? I'm not sure he'll believe me.




Cal figured that the Crossing's meditation room was as neutral of a place as they could get, on campus. It was familiar grounds to him, though, and not to her, which meant he'd offered to go to Genosha instead, because it wasn't altogether fair. But Pam had agreed to the location, and Cal was trying hard to only read it as a gesture of good faith, and not the sign of a coming ambush or something. Her letter had to be genuine. He was just being paranoid. Xavier and Sampson knew about the meet-up (as did Clay, obviously), and she wouldn't want to burn those bridges, right? Cal didn't matter enough for her to go through the trouble.

He slinked into the Crossing as his panther self, and Clay only nodded at him, and then in the direction of the meditation room, with his usual sympathetic look on his face. The one that made Cal feel like the guy could figure out way too much about him. Cal, predictably, hated that look. He dropped his head and hurried into the meditation room, some ten minutes early.

Psi scans were second nature, and Cal really wished he had been alone and could have just paced for a while, trying to get ready for this conversation. But there she was, standing invisible, so he turned to face her and shifted back into a human kid wearing ripped jeans and a hoodie. "Hey." Steady, neutral voice. He could do this, despite the thuds of his heart. "You're early."

"So're you," Pam countered as she let the light fall away, managing with difficulty to keep her voice steady as she let the light fall away. She hadn't dressed up for this, hadn't even been sure until nearly the last minute that she was going to show up, and was wearing the same ripped jeans and oversized white t-shirt she'd put on that morning. And no knives, because fuck if she was going to panic and escalate this. She was, however, ready to call up a portal and dive through at the first sign that Cal was going to try anything. Under the circumstances, getting the hell out seemed like her best recourse.

Besides, the last time she'd stabbed him, it hadn't taken anyway.

"So we...sit?" she suggested, looking around the room. She'd have preferred the cafe itself, where she could have gotten a drink to fiddle with, but maybe this was better. She'd have looked like an idiot if she'd spilled it.

Shit, Rankin, you genius. It hadn't occurred to him that they might sit, and having this conversation while lounging on pillows seemed... less than ideal, somehow. Maybe the café itself would have been a better choice? "We can - go next door if you want? Grab a drink?" he offered, jerking a thumb in the direction of the open door. "I just thought - people wouldn't bother us here."

And Clay couldn't see them and figure out what was going on in Cal's soul or aura whatever.

Which, okay, made sense - given that it was his home ground, and the only backup she had was the possibility that the Professor was keeping tabs, fewer people meant a greater chance that she was going to come out of this alive. "Here's good," she said with more confidence than she felt, and, ignoring the scattered pillows, sat down gracefully on the mat, crossing her legs and trying to look as if her heart wasn't pounding, as if she wasn't fighting to keep the light from gathering in around her, rendering her invisible. "You wanted to talk?"

"Yeah," he agreed, and wiped his palms on his jeans before sitting down across from her, cross-legged. "Thanks for, uh. Thanks for coming." Not for the letter; it was pretty clear she hadn't written it for him. "That letter, it was - unexpected."

Pam shrugged awkwardly, her face warming. "It wasn't my idea," she said defensively, and what the fuck had she been thinking, telling him...well, all of it. "Doc Sampson thought it'd be a good idea." She wondered, still, if he'd honestly thought she'd do it, but...it had felt good, in a weird sort of way, writing it all out. She just hadn't figured it'd come to this. "You read it then, huh? I didn't figure you would."

"You also figured I actually tried to kill you back then," Cal remarked, doing his best to keep his tone steady as he referred to... that. Blood gushing from his neck, the panicked expression on Clint's face. "And that I wouldn't - get it. Wanting to be the best for them." He swallowed; those words hurt to even say. "Maybe I should've been writing you a letter. To help you get me. I guess that's why - that's why I wanted to talk. So you'd know I get it. I... I was the same."

"You...wanted that, too." It wasn't a question; Pam couldnt figure out why he'd have said it if he didn't mean it. But still, she wanted to make sure she'd understood, because...no one had ever felt that way, she was pretty sure. No one but her.

Cal couldn't help his gaze from sliding to the side, his hand coming to rub his opposite shoulder. Would it have been easier to write this to her? He wasn't sure. He looked back at her, dropped his hand in his lap. "Yeah. I... yeah. I mean, not for them so much as - for my handler. I wanted to be the best for her."

Pam nodded slowly, her eyes dropping from his after meeting them briefly. "I...i never had just one. Handler, I mean. It depended on what I was doing. What I was learning. But...Dr. Essex..." Alex had thought he was a monster. Maybe he was. Probably. But that hadn't made her want to hear him say she was special any less.

"He's the one who came and got me," Cal said, after a moment, when she didn't continue. He looked down at his hands in his lap, loosened them when he realized they'd tensed. "I thought he was cool, until - until they started the procedures."

"They got you, too?" Pam looked up, obviously surprised. "I thought...i thought it was just your natural mutation. That they didn't do anything."

"I couldn't keep the mutations, originally," Cal replied with a shrug, looking down again. He didn't feel like holding her gaze as he explained that shit, but his paranoia wouldn't let him look away from her for very long at a time, so he looked back up at her. "I couldn't keep anything. Once people were out of range, I was done. So they - they fucked around with me until they fixed that. And then I couldn't mimic anything else."

Pam frowned. "What else could you mimic before that?"

"Anything, everything," Cal replied, trying hard not to sound like it mattered. All good here. "Skills, knowledge. You put me in proximity to someone, I could do what they could do. It was kind of awesome for school tests." Making it a joke, see, because it was fine. It was all fine.

"Fuck. Yeah, it'd have to be. Could've used that when I was taking classes here," Pam replied just as lightly, because it was anything but. Losing all that...yeah. Even if she wasn't sure it wasn't a fair trade overall - knowing shit you knew you were going to forget as soon as someone went out of range would've been horrible, in her option - even still, it still sucked. "They got my healing factor," she added just as casually, because fair was fair. "Burned it out, Simon thinks. That and my ability to turn the blue off, but hey." She shrugged, not even bothering to force a smile. "At least I stand out in a crowd now, huh?"

That just made Cal's heart ache even more, not just with what had been done to them, but thinking about Clint. He'd give up his whole mutation if it meant Clint still had all of his, if it could bring his friend some comfort. "I wish we could have killed all of them," he said simply, flatly, because if he let his anger show, he didn't know that he could stop. He never let that anger show. It felt bottomless.

"I did. All the ones at our facility, anyway. Cut their throats." Pam bit her lip, because yeah, she wished she could've killed all the rest too. And part of her still felt weird that she had. "Did you kill her? Your handler, I mean?"

"Yep." Knife had slid so sweetly between her ribs. "And a bunch of others, too." That had been less neat, but he hadn't been going for neat. He'd been going for maximum damage, and Scott's mutation had been pretty perfect for that.

"Cool." Because it was, but...seeing as they were doing the whole awkward thing anyway, she had to ask, "Did you feel guilty about it? After?"

"Not about them," Cal answered, and looked down at his lap again. That was what Caleb would judge him for, if he knew. Just like he judged the Brotherhood. But some people deserved to die, and Cal knew that truth, deep within himself.

But yeah. Sandra... Sandra was complicated.

"I did," Pam said, almost but not quite whispering. "Or...not guilty, exactly. But...I kept feeling like I was waiting for someone to tell me I passed the test or some shit. That'd I'd done a good job." She stared at her hands, realizing only belatedly that she'd been picking at her nail polish without noticing.

"That's how it felt when I killed her," Cal admitted after a few seconds. "Like I was making her proud. It was - it was a good kill."

Pam nodded, and after a few seconds added, "Yeah. Like that." She looked up at him. "She should've been proud. You did what she trained you to do." Just like she had.

"But that's just it," Cal said, looking Pam dead in the eyes. If she didn't get it, nobody would, right? She had to get it. "I fucking hated that. About as much as..."

Pam waited a heartbeat for Cal to continue before realizing he couldn't. "As much as you loved it," she said, nodding, then paused a moment before realizing what he was really trying to say. "And her."

Whoa, shit, no, Cal hadn't - he didn't - the tears sprang to his eyes, and he wiped a hand over them quickly, heartrate picking up. "Um, I - sorry, I - I need to..." He began to push up, eager to call up a portal and get the fuck out of here. He didn't know where was planning to go, but it felt like Pam could see through all of him, and he wasn't ready for that. This had been a mistake.

"I get it," Pam said quietly, though she didn't try to stop him. If he needed to go, he should. But she really didn't think he wanted to, not when he'd practically dared her to say it. "I mean, I didn't...Dr. Essex was like...like having a dad, I think. I wanted him to be proud of me, I wanted him to tell me he thought I was going to be extraordinary. But...they...they gave me Alex. To keep me sane, to...to keep me from losing it and just...giving up. Without that...yeah. I could see it."

Cal had called up the portal, but he hadn't said the word, he hadn't stepped through. He just stood there, pink glow reflected on his face. "She made me think Clint was dead," he admitted, after a long moment, and closed the portal. He turned back to Pam, and there was a world of hurt in his eyes. "He was - he was how they could keep going with the procedures. But he was also... he was my only. Friend?"

"Your lifeline," Pam supplied, then shrugged awkwardly. "Tommy said that once, about me and Alex. It's kinda melodramatic, maybe, but...it fits." She took a breath. "They never took him from me. I'm...I'm pretty sure they knew we got together without permission, but they never stopped it. But maybe...maybe she was afraid if she left the two of you together, you'd stop cooperating?"

"I don't think he was part of their plans for me," Cal confirmed. He wasn't going anywhere, but he couldn't quite bring himself to sit down again. He shifted awkwardly, then amended his statement. "Her plans for me."

"Maybe not," Pam allowed. It sounded like he probably wasn't, so she wasn't about to argue it. "What do you figure her plans were?"

Cal frowned, and looked down at a very random point on the mats. "Make her my whole world?" It was pretty much what she'd done, the entire time. He hadn't been supposed to develop anything with Clint. He'd learned that lesson, and whenever they'd let him - she'd let him - socialize, once the collar came into play, he hadn't grown close to anyone again. He shook his head, looked back at Pam. "But anyway, that shit doesn't matter. I get it, is what I wanted you to know. You're not, like. Alone." Although he was probably the last person she'd want to share anything with.

"I never was," Pam corrected. Because one way or another, she'd always had Alex, who she was pretty sure had always known how she felt, even if he hadn't felt the same way. "But...thanks. I always figured..." That no one would understand, not really. It was...kind of cool to know someone did. She shrugged and looked up at him. "It goes the other way though, too. You aren't either. I get it. And..." she paused, trying to figure out how to say what she needed to, "that might have been her plan? But she didn't manage it. Whether she wanted you to or not, you still had Clint. They don't get to dictate everything."

"I'm pretty sure her plan didn't involve me killing her either," Cal remarked, a little roughly. He cleared his throat to try and clear his voice. "Can I - can I ask you a question? About the Brotherhood?"

Pam blinked, surprised, then nodded. "Yeah, sure. What'd you want to know?"

Was it really about the Brotherhood? Cal wasn't sure, now he'd said that. He crouched down, because it felt too weird to keep towering above her. "You've been, like, using everything they taught you, right? For the Brotherhood? How do you - how does it - feel?"

Biting back a retort that his question really wasn't about the Brotherhood at all, Pam considered it. "Good. It feels good. I'm...taking what they taught me, and using it for something good. Something important, y'know? I'm...helping people, and covering my teammates backs." She grinned, a little. "And taking out some bastards who really fucking deserve to be taken out. Who'd be taking out us if we weren't taking it to them. So yeah. It feels good." She smiled. "Also teaching armed and unarmed combat these days, me and Billy. And none of my students have been seriously hurt yet. So, there's that too."

Could it really be that simple? But then Cal thought back to Caleb, and knew that it wasn't. Still, he nodded, trying to give her a small smile. "That's cool. Thanks for - answering."

Pam shrugged. "No big deal. That one was easy. I don't..." she frowned, trying to figure out a way to say it that didn't make her sound like a bitch. "I don't get how people don't. I mean, I understand how someone like Tommy's brother doesn't. He didn't live through the shit we did. But...fuck. You've seen the videos Pietro took in Genosha, right? Some shit just needs to be done." She shrugged. "Might as well be me who does it. I mean, I can. What else am I going to do, try and start a new trend for short blue models with scars?"

"Yeah," Cal agreed, with a tight smile. "I have no clue what I'm supposed to do next year." He should have filled in applications already, if he was going to attend college. But what was the point?

"Come sign up with us?" Pam suggested. She grinned, just a bit evilly. "I mean, Wanda will try and drag you out to the clubs with her, because she insists you're a good dancer, but you can always tell her to fuck off."

Cal frowned tightly at that, and then shook his head. "I can't leave Clint and Caleb." He would have to, he knew. Eventually. He'd have to move out of their room next year, to start with. Back to living on his own. But he couldn't move to a different country, even if it was just a plant portal away.

And then there was Loki. Cal didn't even know what Loki would think of him joining the Brotherhood.

"You could bring them along," Pam pointed out, then shrugged. She couldn't see Caleb moving to Genosha any more than she could see Nott doing so - less, maybe. "Anyway, it's an option."

"Yeah," Cal acknowledged, although his tone made it sound like it wasn't much of an option. Caleb would never agree, for one. Cal was pretty sure Clint would lose his shit, too. "I'll figure something out, anyway." Probably grab some remote classes in a community college so he could claim one of the graduate apartments, and just... carry on, business as usual, until he figured his shit out. Or until Caleb and Clint moved on.

"Yeah." Pam paused for a long moment, looking at her hands again, then looked back up at Cal, her expression awkward. "Can I ask you something? You don't have to answer if you don't want, but...did they have you kill anyone? Any of the other lab rats, I mean."

Cal shifted in his crouch, touching one knee to the ground. "Yeah," he admitted. He'd told Sampson already. Xavier knew. Telling her wasn't a big deal. Right? Right. "Some - some other kids."

Pam nodded distractedly, her fingers working at her nail polish. He'd get it then, maybe. "Were...were you ok with it?" She asked awkwardly. "I mean, not now, but...when you did it? Because...part of my memory from then is fucked, but...i think I was."

"I think we had to be," Cal answered, clearly having trouble holding her gaze. "It was - it was the only way we could - keep going, right?" It was what Sampson said, but if she thought so too, then maybe it actually was true.

"Yeah. I just..." She let her eyes slip from his, back to her nails. Which looked like shit by this point, but at least her palms were intact and she wasn't flickering. It was something. "Some of them...i think they were more afraid of me than they were the staff." She looked up at him and grimaced. "Pretty sure Caleb goes out of his way to avoid me, still. Nott's better, but it's still there. And I'm not sure i can blame them."

"Ask Billy how he feels about me some day," Cal replied with a shrug. "Molly mostly avoids me, and we never even met in there." The worst was, those reactions were easier to deal with somehow. He expected them. He felt like he deserved them. "I really can't blame them. I'd fucking avoid me too, if I could."

"I've never talked to Molly," she admitted. Probably sucked of her, considering they had the whole fucked up color scheme in common, but there it was. "And I get how they feel. I would too; it's a fucking miracle Alex doesn't hate me, and that Billy and I are friends. Just..." She grimaced. "I guess I wondered how you felt about it, that's all."

"Like I deserve it," Cal answered honestly, ignoring the tightness in his throat. He coughed, to clear it. "I know we didn't have a choice. Rationally. But I feel... like I deserve it. And worse, probably."

"Yeah. " she took a deep breath, exhaled and shrugged. "It used to not bother me. It was...just the price of being...what I was. Y'know?" Fatale. The best. Whatever. She forced a crooked, faint smile. "It bothers me now. I blame Sampson. He set us up for this. Him and his fucking 'write a letter'. Fucker." And yeah, okay, she couldn't even manage to sound annoyed about it. Tired, maybe, but...yeah. Not annoyed.

"I, er." Cal paused, frowned, then looked back at her. "I nearly took off, back when we first got here. It didn't feel like..." He shrugged. "Whatever. I just - I'm really glad I didn't." On more than one level, fuck. But the relevant one here was, "Sampson - he really helps, right?"

"Yeah. Never thought I'd say that," Pam admitted. "I mean, I started going just because the Prof said I had to if I wanted to stay, and next thing I knew, I was asking Simon if he thought Sampson would keep seeing me if Alex and I left." She pushed her hand back through her hair and eyed Cal curiously. "Didn't feel like what?"

"It doesn't matter," Cal said with a shake of his head. "Just, you know. The usual bullshit." Like he didn't belong, like there had to be a catch, like everybody would be better off if he left. The feeling wasn't completely gone, but he had a handle on it.

Like it was all some kind of trick. Like they'd probably gone from bad to worse, and just didn't realize yet. Pam nodded. The usual bullshit. "Yeah. I...Alex wanted to stay, so I agreed, but I wasn't all that sure myself." She shrugged. "Anyway, I figured one way or another, we owed them. And we really didn't have anywhere else to go."

"Yeah," Cal agreed. He was still pretty fucking sure he would have gone, despite having nowhere to actually go, if it hadn't been for Clint being here. But even Clint didn't know that; it would have felt weird telling Pam, of all people. Still, he gave her a hesitant smile. "I'm really glad you came today."

"I'm glad I came too." Much to her surprise, she actually meant it, and she offered an equally hesitant smile back. "You...do you want to get some coffee, or something? Seeing as we're here?"

"Sure," Cal agreed, a little dryly, because, "Let's give Clay a reason to look at us all knowingly and shit. You met him yet?" Still, he'd really meant his agreement; having coffee with Pam felt like it would cement this between them. Whatever this. Understanding, maybe? Or the beginning of friendship, who knew.

Pam shook her head as she got to her feet. "Pretty sure he knew I was there, but I just walked in past him and came back here. Does he do the whole "I knew it'd work out that way" look? Because that's annoying."

"He's very... He really looks at people, you know?" Cal offered. He was pretty sure she liked being really looked at about as much as he did.

"Ugggh." She liked being looked at, yeah - it reminded her she was there, though it was becoming less of a problem - but not like that. "Want to go to Genosha instead? Or that place in New York Wanda used to drag everyone to so they'd carry her books?"

Genosha felt... like a risk, and like something Caleb, at least, would seriously disapprove of. But it also felt like a statement. Pam had come here. Cal could go there. "Let's go to Genosha," he agreed, before he could change his mind. He was packing enough mutations that he would be very hard to take out, and Sampson and Xavier knew about their meeting. Besides... he wanted this to be real. This understanding, or whatever. "You know somewhere good?"

"Yeah, there's a place not all that far from where I saw you guys on Halloween," Pam replied, opening a portal. She was relieved that he'd agreed to Genosha; she was getting used to being "herself" in public, and didn't really feel like fucking around with her skin color, or making sure it didn't slip. "It's not all organic like this place, but they've got a decent menu. Food, too."

Going off to Genosha with Pam, Cal thought to Xavier, because he could, because it would be stupid not to. ...for coffee, he added a second later, because making that clear would be nice. "Food sounds good," he confirmed, nodding along. "Okay." And he stepped through her portal, glad to use it instead of his own. That meant he would definitely be able to get back in a second, if needed.