Loki and Cal - Way backdated, again
Jul. 10th, 2019 10:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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ax_mainThe day after the beach, Loki and Cal tackle some heavy topics.
Pushing Loki's two beds together had in no way been a bad idea. But on mornings like these, when the only reason Cal had dragged himself out of bed was to walk Abs, he was all too happy to drop the breakfast snacks he'd grabbed on Loki's desk, strip back down to his boxers, and get back into bed to snuggle close to Loki. Close enough that really, one bed would have been more than enough.
Cal breathed in deeply, exhaled slowly, and pressed a kiss to Loki's shoulder. Summer was good.
Loki slept deeply with Cal in bed. After he slipped out to take Abs for a walk sleep grew more restless. At the edge of waking Loki was caught in a dream. It was a good dream at first.
Lazy Sunday morning. Curled in bed, sunlight spilling passed the curtains. Warm light creeping across the pillow. Turning away before it forced him to wake. Loki presses his face against a familiar shoulder, hiding from the sun. Long hair tangled with his own. Fingers stroked down his back.
”Remember, the voice whispered.
Arms held him, and he was safe, and he was... filled with nagging doubt.
Defenseless like this.
It was wrong, wrong, falling away, warmth ebbing into dark, and...
Loki jerked back with a soft cry, colliding with Cal’s solid form. The world flipped as he tried to make sense of who held him. Confusion brief, but he knew... Loki’s heart raced and his hands came up to cover his face and muffle any soft cries that threatened to escape. His emotions were a rush of adrenaline, confusion, fear, and loss.
Cal had only settled down for a few seconds when Loki jerked in his arms and covered his face with his hands, the violence of the movement and the quiet sounds of his tears destroying Cal's summer morning daze in a second. He blinked, then leaned up on an elbow, stroking his hand down Loki's arm. "Hey, hey," he said softly, stupidly. What was he supposed to say? Was this one of Loki's dreams? "I'm here," he tried, since Loki had said that this - that they - helped. "You're not alone."
Loki turned and buried his face against Cal’s chest.
“Sorry,” he gasped when he found the breath. He remained hidden behind the curtain of his hair, tucked close to Cal.
"Hey, no," Cal said gently, stroking his hand through Loki's hair before wrapping his arm securely around him. "Don't apologize. You're all good. Let it out, I've got you." Cal's heart was beating a little too fast, and he wasn't sure why, but he would absolutely hold Loki through this.
Slowly the nameless dread ebbed and Loki was able to relax into the embrace. He slumped and hugged Cal back tightly. “Not letting go for a while,” he warned.
"That totally works for me," Cal assured him, lying back down on the bed so he could wrap both arms around Loki now.
Loki let his breathing deepen. Tucking his face against Cal’s neck he was surrounded with the familiar scent and warmth. “This is better than sneaking into Thor’s room and dealing with his ponce of a roommate.”
"Who's Thor's roommate?" Cal asked, wrapping his arms a little tighter around Loki. He hated that Loki couldn't sneak into his room when he needed someone.
“Prince T’Challa,” Loki muttered with a sigh.
"And he was an asshole to you?" Cal asked, not loosening his embrace.
Understandably, Loki startled T’Challa by appearing in their room and talking in animal shape early in the morning. Loki didn't acknowledge this. “I don’t think he likes cats.”
"Only soulless people dislike cats," Cal replied, and pressed a kiss to Loki's temple. "I'm sorry."
“Entirely soulless,” Loki agreed. He pressed a kiss to Cal’s collarbone. Tucking his cheek back against Cal’s shoulder he murmured. “Gods, you’re beautiful. Why isn’t that the first thing I notice every time I wake?”
Cal might have been working hard against some of his gender bias, it still felt really weird to be called beautiful. It wasn't a word he associated with men, really. Which was bullshit, because he did think that Loki was beautiful. But Loki sort of defied gender as a whole.
So while he might've acted smug if he had been called hot, there was a hint of self-consciousness in him instead, and his smile was a little tight. "My beauty's not there to be noticed often enough? Not first thing in the morning."
“Mm.” He nuzzled against Cal’s skin.
Cal focused on the touch a moment, letting one of his hands drift to stroke random shapes on Loki's back. "You wanna tell me about it?"
The details were already fading. “I don’t understand,” Loki said softly. “Something torn away.”
"Sampson made me keep a notebook by the bed," Cal offered after a moment. "So I could write down my dreams the moment I woke up."
Loki nodded, seeing the logic behind that.
"It helped me some," Cal went on, quietly. He wasn't really used to talking about that stuff, so his speech was slow, but steady. He wanted to share this. "After a while, I started seeing some patterns in all the bullshit my subconscious was throwing at me. So I brought them up in therapy. It helped. I think. I have less nightmares now, anyway."
“Do you talk to Sampson about what happened to you?” Loki asked quietly. “Or more about how you are now?”
"All of it?" Cal answered. It felt like his heart was beating stronger than normal, but also a little slower. "It's all pretty connected, anyway."
“Glad that you can talk about it.” Loki never pushed for details on what happened to any of them inside the facility. Pretty obvious the details were human rights violations and bad shit. Didn’t mean he wasn’t morbidly curious.
"Yeah," Cal agreed, quietly. He smiled a little, more to convince himself that it was all good than anything else, and stroked his fingers through Loki's hair. Never mind that he didn't really talk about it with anyone but Sampson - and Xavier, to some extent. This wasn't about him, though; Loki had just woken up sobbing. "How are you feeling?"
“Confused as always,” Loki said with a resigned sigh. His lips twisted in a sardonic smile. He pressed a kiss to Cal’s jaw. “You’re warm. You burn the dark away.”
The best lies were also truths.
"Good," Cal said, with another small smile. More genuine, this time. "I like helping you."
A weight landed on the bed behind Loki and a cold, wet nose brushed his back as Abs nuzzled him hello.
“Okay, now I’m being ganged up on,” Loki said with a laugh. He turned to wrap an arm around Abs. “You want in on this?”
"I'm pretty impressed she wasn't in on this from the start," Cal admitted, smiling as he watched Loki with his dog.
“I was just starting to notice Cal’s state of undress,” Loki said conversationally to the lab. “So thank you for chaperoning as always, faithful hound.”
Cal groaned. "Abs, get off the bed, now," he mock-ordered her, his tone nowhere near the authority needed to make her pay attention, never mind obey.
Besides, she seemed very busy basking in the love Loki was showing her, and she half climbed on top of him in her joy.
Loki petted Abs and snuggled back against Cal. “You’ll have to wait. Looks like this is just how we live now.”
"The horror," Cal stated, reaching over Loki to pet his dog some.
“So fluffy.”
Sometimes Loki couldn’t believe how domestic their lives were. Considering their powers combined they were likely a threat to the stability universe. But look at the puppy pile.
Cal sat up a little, shifting a pillow behind his back to recline more comfortably, and let Loki recline against him. An arm around him, he rested his chin on Loki's shoulder and enjoyed the moment. The moment, and the lightheartedness Abs was bringing back to their morning.
“We should make weekend sleepovers a thing,” he suggested. “I promise some mornings you’ll get more exciting greetings.”
"You don't need to make any kind of promise for me to agree to that," Cal assured Loki, and pressed a kiss to his shoulder before resting his chin on it again.
The truth was, part of him wanted to point out that it was summer break, that until Loki left for Asgard they could do this a lot more often than just weekends. But he knew how tempting it would be to spend all his time here, rather than face the ever present awkwardness in his room. And that felt wrong on several levels.
"Hey," he said, quietly. "I know you can't really come into my room when you have a nightmare, but. You could call me. You wouldn't even have to say anything. I'd just come over."
Loki figured if he asked for weekends it seemed like a humble sampling of days in the summer. Come the school year, a weekend morning was worth more than every school day. He wanted the luxury of Cal in bed, slowly waking, and deciding whether or not getting up longer than Abs’ walk was worth the effort.
At Cal’s offer Loki kissed the arm draped across him. “I might ask Shaun to make a bat signal. Hit a button, summon when I’m too muddled to deal with the phone. You are also welcome to teleport directly into my bed and wake me if you ever need me.”
Cal frowned a little at that. "Thanks, but... there could be somebody else in your bed."
Loki let go of Abs and looked up over his shoulder. “You’re the only one sleeping here. If I’m with anyone else, it’s not here.”
It was the one restriction, this room was theirs. Wasn’t that... that was a Cal and him thing. Wasn’t it?
Oh. Cal's eyebrows raised in surprise, and then his expression softened. "Okay."
“If it’s the middle of the afternoon maybe someone is hanging out, but consider night time safe. Only reading and gaming happens in my abode.” Loki nestled back. “Unless it’s you.”
Cal wasn't sure what to say to that. He wrapped both of his arms around Loki and buried his face against his neck, kissing the soft skin there.
Abs, in the meantime, lay down against them, resting her head on her front paws.
Loki realized how many layers of intimacy that promise held. Not dating. Nope. This relationship was its own special classification.
“Do you mind if I change?” Loki asked.
Cal looked up. "Nope." He pressed a kiss to Loki's hair, then let him go, unsure what he was going to change into.
It probably deserved better clarification, but Loki needed out of his current shape. As if bones held memories, he needed to escape. Still craving touch, Loki shut his eyes and sank into their softer, female shape. It was such minimal change at the surface. Beneath Cal’s chin the curve of Loki’s shoulder slimmed. A loose cotton T-shirt covered bare skin. Loki was still lanky, compact muscle on a slender frame. The legs tangled with Cal’s were smooth, which was always a possibility in male shape honestly, but not this particular morning. Loki buried their face against Abs fur.
Oh.
Cal felt like an idiot for expecting an animal shape now. He'd pulled back to let Loki shift, and meant to reach for him again immediately, but now he wasn't sure what to do, only that his heart was thudding a little hard in his chest. He realized he'd been still for a few seconds too long, and belatedly snapped out of it and reached for Loki, but he was hesitant and awkward in his touch, the opposite of the comfort they'd found with each other.
"Better?" Cal asked, heard himself ask.
Loki kept their face buried against Abs. The dog barely twitched. Cal was a different matter. This was why Loki warned before taking this shape, but rarely warned before turning into a cat.
“Mm,” Loki murmured noncommittally. It felt like a pressure valve released. The nightmare’s hold shrank away as Loki reclaimed their body and their state of mind with it. Sometimes this was armor.
“I can add more clothes if that makes it easier,” Loki offered quietly.
"No, it's..." Cal trailed off partway through his initial, automatic dismissal. "You don't mind?" Fuck, now Loki had offered, it was all he could think about - putting clothes on himself.
Shorts changed to long sweatpants. Sleeves lengthened to quarter length. Cal shared Loki’s powers. He could manage himself.
Shit. Cal needed - he needed a moment. "I'm gonna, uh. Do this for real?" He waited for Loki to move off of him. "Sorry."
Loki shifted forward, wrapping their arms around Abs and snuggling the lab instead.
Abs looked up at them happily and nuzzled their shoulder, while Cal got out of bed and tried not to look like he was hurrying towards his randomly dropped clothes. He pulled the shorts and tank top on and resisted the urge to shift them into more covering clothes. This was fine. It would be fine. Loki was Loki, no matter what.
He climbed back onto the bed, but not to his previous spot, sitting beside Loki and Abs instead, so he could pet his dog as he said, "Sorry. I wasn't - I wasn't ready for that."
Loki nodded. “Sorry.”
"Don't apologize," Cal told them, looking up from Abs to meet Loki's gaze. "You're just - you're being you. I'm sorry my shit is... I'm sorry."
“One day we should talk about this,” Loki suggested.
Cal nodded, his throat tight. "Whenever you want." He'd talk about it now if Loki wanted, but they might still be reeling from their nightmare. And Cal couldn't even cuddle them right now. He was so fucked up.
“Whenever you feel up to it,” Loki countered. “I already pushed you off for scenic day out.”
Cal was confused about what Loki meant for a second, and then connected it to the previous day's conversation. He frowned a little, then said, to get confirmation he'd understood, "This is part of the difficult stuff."
Loki glanced at the distance between them. They sat up. “Your fight or flight response just kicked in. Yes, this is part of the difficult stuff.”
Start freaking out or flight, more like, but Cal didn't say that. He just looked back down at Abs, frowning. "Sorry."
Loki poked his leg lightly. “Stop apologizing.”
"Sor-" Cal cut himself off, grimaced. "Yeah." He paused, and looked back at Loki. "I just - I hate that I feel like this. It's you."
“It is me,” Loki agreed. “You’re okay with friendship stuff. Just... touch? I’m never sure where the line is.”
"Neither am I," Cal said honestly, and resisted the urge to apologize. Again. "I'm pretty sure it isn't set, anyway."
Loki nodded. “I don’t really know what to do other than acknowledge this is a thing.”
I'm sorry, Cal wanted to say, again. His throat was tight, but he forced other words out. "I hate that I - that there's this shape that's you that I can't -"
“Cal,” Loki said. “If you shut your eyes can you take my hand and ignore the rest for a minute?”
Cal paused, then reached for Loki's hand and closed his eyes, heart thudding a little harder in his chest again.
“Still me,” Loki said quietly. They squeezed Cal’s hand softly. “I’ve got the sword calluses to prove it.”
Cal huffed out a quiet laugh, "Yeah." He swallowed, and shifted his hand in Loki's, the better to feel it. "I just..." He hung his head, keeping his eyes closed, and stroked his thumb over Loki's hand, back and forth. "I hate that she still has this much of a hold over me. It feels like - like I'll never be free of her."
“Can you tell me more about her?” All Loki knew was that Cal’s handler was a woman.
Cal opened his eyes again, finding Loki's. "Not if you want me to keep holding your hand. Or even just - being near you."
Loki squeezed his hand again. “How would you prefer this morning to go? Want to ease away from this subject? Or do you want to go there?”
"I never want to go there," Cal remarked, and pulled his hand back awkwardly, shooting Loki an apologetic look. Just talking about talking about her was putting him on edge. "But we should talk about the difficult stuff too?"
“If you can, then let’s talk about it.” Loki tipped their head. “Would cat be better?” Boy wasn’t on the table right now, but cat they could do.
Cal shook his head. "No, I... no. This is fine. I'm just gonna..." He moved off to the bed and to the opposite wall in the room, sitting on the floor with his back to it. He ran a hand through his hair, then said, "She never... she never told me her name. I started calling her Sandra in my head, just because... just because." He didn't know why he was telling Loki this. "She came in a week or two after they grabbed me? She made the beatings stop. They treated me better, afterwards." Tears had welled up in his eyes, and he sucked in a slightly shaky breath. He needed a moment before he kept going.
Loki scooted back from Abs so that she could go to Cal if he needed. They wrapped their fingers around the edge of the blankets, holding on. Their expression stayed open, no judgement, just listening.
Abs looked between Cal and Loki, unsure what to do. Focusing on that helped Cal get a hold of himself, as he concentrated enough to be able to push a simple injunction her way, a wordless command to stay on the bed. That done, Cal's next breath was deeper and steadier, and he kept going, his eyes fixed on a random point beneath the bed.
"They were keeping me in isolation. I think they were afraid of what I could do if I grabbed mutations left and right. They - they didn't have the collars yet. So she was - she was the only person I saw regularly. She took me to mimic specific kids in controlled circumstances, too. That's how I met Caleb. They taught me how to fight, too. How to - how to kill. And I'd do it all willingly - I. I wanted her approval." The tears were back in his eyes, in his voice, but he held them back. If he started crying he wouldn't be able to keep talking. He was so ashamed. "When I did particularly well, she'd stroke a hand through my hair, or pat my back, and it was all I ever wanted."
He wiped at his eyes, swallowed, took a few breaths, and kept going. "Then they started the experiments. That's when I met Clint. They would put me in his cell so I'd heal. Whatever they did - it ended up working some. I couldn't hold onto mutations before. But then I could - except that became all I could mimic. I used to - I used to be able to mimic anything. Skills, abilities. I'd speak whatever languages people around me spoke. And then it was all - gone.
"They tried to give it back to me for a while, but they weren't getting anywhere, and they figured they could teach me the old-fashioned way. Sandra told me Clint was gone and they transferred me. Collared me. She collared me. She was - she was so proud of that tech." He could still feel her fingers on his neck whenever she put the collar on him, and he rubbed at his neck to chase away the phantom sensation. "The first time she put it on me, she said she had a present for me. And it - it was. After that, when I did well, she'd let me have a meal with the other kids. It was... I was desperate for that. Being kept in solitary, it was - it was fucking with my head." This time the tears did roll down his cheeks, and his voice shook. "You don't wanna know the things I've done to please her."
Loki let that sentence settle. If they responded would Cal be able to continue? There was nothing logical to say. No words Loki could use to make this better. “I won’t judge you for any of it,” Loki said softly. “No matter what you've done. They’re the ones that did this to you.”
Cal shook his head as the tears kept coming, slowly but steadily. "Except they didn't. Everybody says that, but they didn't beat me like they did the others. I wanted to do that stuff. I was eager to prove myself. To make her proud. Even when that meant..." His throat closed up, and he tried to wipe away his tears, except there were always more. He couldn't say it. What if he lost Loki? He would rather keep hiding, and keep them in his life, no matter how fucked up that was. "Whatever it took," he finished, his throat too tight for anything above this quiet monotone.
“Cal,” Loki said softly, but fervently. “I’m sure Sampson has told you this before, but abuse isn’t all violence. Manipulation is more effective.”
"Yeah, really nice words," Cal agreed dryly, his self-loathing manifesting into an edge of anger in his voice.
“If someone hurts you you get angry. If someone uses you...” Loki couldn’t explain that this wasn’t all SJW observation from reading tumblr and psychology class articles. If Loki wanted to control someone? He would make them love him. He would make them fear him. He would make sure they needed him before pushing in a blade. Violence held little power compared to control. That train of thought wouldn’t help this conversation.
"You like it," Cal finished for Loki, his voice practically vibrating with anger now.
“If they’re doing their job right,” Loki agreed. “You had nothing. She gave you what she needed to to make you listen.”
"Can we - I don't want you to - can we not do this?" Cal asked, putting his hands on the wall behind him to help push himself up. He crossed over to the desk and grabbed a tissue to blow his nose. Fuck, he hated everything about this. Including Sandra. Including himself.
Loki shifted back. “Yeah. Sorry. I don’t need to argue. I’m angry for you, but not helpful.”
The used tissue landed in the trash can and Cal sat on Loki's desk chair, turned sideways. He didn't know how to even look at Loki right now. He just wanted to curl up against him and cry while Loki held him. But Loki was not a him right now and - Cal sighed out, angry and frustrated with himself, and leaned his elbows on his thighs to rub both hands over his face, like that would help scrub his brain clean. Except he would never be free of her, would he. Even as he had killed her, he'd wanted, so badly, for her to see how well he had followed their lessons. How clean a kill it was. Even as he'd killed her, he'd wanted her approval.
He thought a part of him would always want her approval.
Loki’s anger simmered, helpless rage at the people that did this to Cal. “What do you need?” Loki asked. “Or want. Right now. Is there anything?”
Cal shook his head, until the poke of a wet nose against his knee made him chuckle down at Abs. It wasn't a very joyful sound at all, but it existed. He reached out to pet her. "Thanks, girl." He looked over at Loki. "You wanna go for a run?" Exhausting himself sounded like a plan. The only plan, at this stage.
Loki slid off the bed. “I’m all for it.”
Cal shifted into his wolf dog form even as he moved to the floor. He really didn't want to stay human one second longer.
Loki went to grab the door, keeping hands as long as it took to get them outside.
***
Some long hours later, Cal had finally managed to run himself ragged, find Loki and Abs (who had both called it quits much earlier), and have a much needed nap, curled up in a corner of Loki's room. When he woke up, he was predictably starving. He stretched and trotted over to Loki, seeking touch again for the first time since this morning's overshare.
Loki was curled up on top of Abs in cat shape. He'd switched back to human long enough to feed Abs earlier and bring them back inside. Now they were a worn out menagerie. It wasn't deep sleep. Loki peered down once Cal stirred. He jumped off the bed and brushed through Cal's front legs.
Starving, Cal thought at Loki. Going for a food run. There were still the snacks he'd brought for breakfast on Loki's desk, but he wanted proper food. He nosed down at the cat. Want anything?
"Eat out there, or bring it back?" Loki asked. "I could eat." He'd grabbed a snack when he fed Abs, but hadn't done a full meal.
Bring it back, Cal replied without hesitation. What's your pleasure?
Loki nuzzled against his leg again. "The usual non-pawed dining."
Whatever I can drum up, check, Cal said, nosed at the cat again, muttered a quiet "Okay," and was gone in a flash of pink.
He was back, human-shaped, a little while later, bearing a tray with a couple of plates of mac'n'cheese - and not the fancy sort. There was also a couple of drinks, and some cookies for dessert. "Here we go."
Loki rolled over from the sun patch by the window and turned back into person shaped. Male this time. Enough time had passed. Loki accepted the lunch offering without complaint, even if his palette cringed at most of the processed food around here. Orange number five was clearly how they ended up with all these mutants. “Thank you, love.”
"You don't have to..." Cal gestured vaguely at them as he grabbed his own plate. "I'm - I think I'm okay now. Steadier, anyway."
Loki shrugged. “It’s fine.”
Cal put his plate back down, took Loki's back from them next, then wrapped his arms around them and gave them a soft kiss. "'It's fine' never means that it is fine, right? You don't have to be like this on my account."
Loki reached up to cup Cal’s cheek. “If it didn’t sit right, I could have stayed a cat. Why would I lie to you? Avoid the question entirely, sure. But it’s you.”
Cal turned his face into Loki's hand to kiss his fingers, then looked back at him. "All right." He hugged him tight for a couple of seconds. "Thank you." Then he released him, and reached for his plate again. "I mean, I don't think a cat could properly appreciate mac'n'cheese."
“I would have demanded some fatty tuna were it an issue,” Loki said with an air of dignity reserved for princes and cats. He grabbed his dish and sat on top of the spare desk, nudging the chair open with an inviting gesture.
Cal took the invitation, propping his feet on the desk beside Loki. His lips ticked up at Loki's wording - never mind the tone that came with it - but he didn't say anything, only got started on his pasta. He really was starving.
Loki folded his legs up onto the desk and started snacking. There was a jar on the edge of the desk that he reached for. He fished out a treat for Abs and tossed it down to her. She may have already eaten, but those big brown eyes were boring holes into his soul.
Abs gobbled up the treat, then barked happily and propped her paws up on the desk, nosing at Loki's legs, her tail wagging. "Abs, just because he's spoiling you doesn't mean you shouldn't let him eat," Cal told her, fond and absolutely 100% approving of the whole spoiling her thing.
Loki gestured with his spoon. “I’d offer some of this, but I think it’s questionable for dogs.”
"You can upgrade that questionable to downright unhealthy," Cal confirmed with a nod. Still, Abs whined hopefully at Loki, paws resting against his legs. "Abs..."
“You will be spoiled more later,” Loki promised. “I’ll hunt down a very nice elk for you and save all the best parts.”
Cal put his feet back on the ground so he could straighten up and snapped his fingers, bringing Abs to his side. He petted her one-handed, the other hand holding his plate away from her. "Much later. We don't even know if you'd like elk, huh? But right now, you gotta let us eat, girl. Yes, you do."
So spoiled. Loki smirked and nibbled his lunch as Cal communed with his animal companion.
Eventually, Cal managed to get back to eating, and the rest of the meal went by in companionable silence. Fuck, he had been starving. He got to his feet once they were done, piling up their plates on the desk, then came to stand in front of Loki, putting his hands on Loki's waist. "Hey."
Loki hooked one leg around Cal. “Hey,” he responded with a small smile.
"So, how much of an issue is it gonna be?" he asked, worry a darker shadow at the back of his eyes. "That I can't deal when you're - more female." Was that an okay way to put it? Cal was wildly unequipped to talk about this without stepping in it, and resolved to find more blogs about gender fluidity.
“I don’t know,” Loki said, scooting closer. “This doesn’t always fit. So you won’t always be comfortable with me.”
"Yeah," Cal agreed, because it was true. Right now, though, he was doing fine, his hands firmly resting on Loki's hips, as if to remind them both, after earlier, what it was like when he was comfortable with Loki. "How much of an issue is that gonna be for you?"
Loki couldn’t quantify the question. He wished Cal wanted all of him, but again, they weren’t dating. Even if they were, he couldn’t change they way Cal was wired. Well. Ethically, consensually, practically it couldn’t be done. So what could Loki do?
“At least it will stop us from becoming horribly codependent?” Loki suggested.
Cal winced. "I'm pretty sure the ship has sailed on that one. I mean, on my side of the equation." All of his most meaningful relationships were horribly codependent. He was self-aware enough to know that much, but he also... couldn't imagine another way to be. He paused, then shook his head. "I mean, I don't - I don't think there's ever anyone I'm always comfortable with. I'm still... way more comfortable with you than with, like, anyone else." Even Clint, even Caleb. And that was really fucking scary, in its own way.
Mm. Even without hearing Cal’s unspoken thoughts Loki inferred who that ‘anyone else’ included. That was a welcome power trip. He hooked his fingers around the hem of Cal’s shirt. “I really like you,” Loki said. “If you weren’t a little bit afraid of me I’d be concerned by how much I like you. I’m no stranger to wanting things I can’t have. Love isn’t material. So yes, I wish it was different, but this is where we are. I still have this. And this is a big leap from book dates in separate corners of a room.”
"It didn't feel like a leap," Cal stated quietly. The moment felt so intimate of a sudden, and it struck him again, how lucky he was that he could still have moments like this. That Sandra hadn't ruined all of it for him. That Loki would offer him so much. "I think I'm a little past just liking you." What if it wasn't romantic love? It still mattered.
“Cal,” Loki whined softly. “When you say things like that it makes it very difficult to let go of you. But I’m sure there’s a reason we’re going to need to leave this room at some point.”
"We don't technically need to let go to get out of this room," Cal pointed out, brushing his nose against Loki's.
“Are you supporting public indecency, because I’d let you get away with a whole bunch of scenic suggestions right now,” Loki murmured with a smile.
"Oh yeah, that's me, such an exhibitionist," Cal deadpanned.
Loki nuzzled along his jaw. “The beach was fun. We’ll do something like that again?”
"Yeah," Cal agreed, stroking his hands up Loki's back, and then down again. "Yeah, it was... nice. Thank you for coming with me."
“Mm.” Loki kissed his neck, then tightened both legs around Cal to pull him into a full body hug.
Cal wrapped his arms tight around Loki, turning his head to rest his face against his hair. He breathed in deep, then kissed Loki's hair. "Is there other difficult stuff? Between us?"
Loki snorted softly. "You ask as I start melting. How about you first? Anything got you worried?"
"Not really," Cal admitted, still holding Loki tight. "Everything feels so damn easy with you, I have to hold myself back sometimes. But then... I don't know, I just get worried things might not be as easy for you, and I don't even notice 'cause I'm too wrapped up in my own shit."
Loki considered that and then buried his face against Cal's neck. There was no way Cal could feel Loki's blush against his skin. "Not precisely a difficulty," Loki said, "But... on the note of holding yourself back... You can be rougher with me if you're ever inclined... I know you don't like to feel trapped or in danger, but... I don't really get the same effect." Loki was 100% not making eye contact as he suggested this. Honestly, he'd given Cal plenty of dubious book recommendations. He probably understand what Loki was getting at. Loki was still worried this fell in the realm of bad associations.
Oh. Cal had not expected that, but maybe he should have. Loki had hinted, before, and... Cal frowned, realized he'd tensed a little, and forced himself to relax. Then he pulled back, just enough to be able to look at Loki, because he needed to look him in the eyes if they were going to talk about this. Except then he realized that Loki had just been hiding his face against Cal's neck, and what Cal had been about to say got sidetracked. "Hey, you know you can tell me that stuff, right? There's nothing to be, like, ashamed about or anything."
This time there was no hiding the blush. “You say this,” Loki said. “But I can think of few people I would admit this to. And even you, things that I think I’d like in a friendly context... well... I’m betting they’ll be more bad associations?”
"Doesn't make them shameful," Cal answered, holding Loki's gaze. He moved a hand to brush his thumb softly over Loki's cheekbone, the pink hue of his skin. "There's nothing wrong with what you like. I know you know that." Those books Loki had recommended, they were too sex-positive for Loki not to know that.
Loki turned his head enough to kiss Cal’s palm. “I know. But I’m never going to ask you to do something that freaks you out.”
"You aren't," Cal assured him, fitting his palm against Loki's cheek now, cupping it gently. "You're just telling me what you like. You're never gonna force me to do something I don't want to." Cal knew what Loki was capable of. He knew some of what haunted him. But this wasn't a concern, between them. "We're just - having a conversation. I like that."
Loki pressed into Cal’s touch. “And you accuse me of being too easy.”
"Things are easy between us," Cal corrected Loki's words, then allowed himself a small smile. "You know, mostly. Relatively." He leaned in and pressed a tender kiss to Loki's forehead. "I don't think I could be rough with you," he admitted, then. Cal couldn't dissociate that from violence, which was a big no. "But maybe... I could try - being in control more? If you want." For all of his assurances to Loki, Cal could feel his own cheeks heating up at the words. But he wasn't hiding, so that was something? And he wasn't sure how much of it might be a blush, and how much a flush.
“I’m up for trying.” Loki lowered his eyes and smiled. “My mood varies. But I like to know I can push and something or someone won’t give way.”
"I don't know how much I can do that," Cal admitted, gaze lowering as he frowned. "If I can do it at all." It seemed different, being in charge with Loki a clearly willing participant, and him pushing against Cal.
Loki leaned in and kissed Cal softly. “Food for thought,” he murmured.
Everything Loki did was different with Cal. He worked hard to be honest, to be good, to not scare Cal away. This relationship was delicate spun silk. Loki felt a pang of guilt, but this was why he was grateful Cal kept that ‘snogging other people’ clause open. Someone else could spar with him. Cal could keep being sunshine.
Cal leaned back in, chasing Loki's lips for another kiss, in the wake of those words. It was a long, tender kiss, the sort that made warmth flutter in Cal's lungs. When he pulled back, he leaned his forehead against Loki's, trying to pull himself together.
Loki shut his eyes and let the moment settle. Then, with his fill of peace, he kissed Cal again, ending with a teasing nip. Loki wrapped his arms tight around Cal. This time he wasn’t hiding. He was clinging full body, arms around his neck, legs around his waist, face pressed to Cal’s neck. Loki took a deep breath and wriggled to test the fit.
Cal wrapped his arms securely around Loki, settling into the moment. Although when Loki wiggled, it felt less like Loki testing the fit and more like Loki testing him, because... well, teenage boy. He didn't need much encouragement, and blood started flowing south. He brushed his lips to Loki's ear, then pressed a kiss to his temple, hands slowly shifting on his back.
Loki’s lips curved at Cal’s reaction. “What do you want to do with the rest of the day?” He asked, voice low.
"The rest of the day? I had a way shorter term plan," Cal admitted, and shifted his hips to press a little more against Loki. "Like you staying right there and letting me blow you."
Loki's grip slackened. "That sounds like... a good plan."
It was a beginning, anyway, Cal thought, and kissed him again.
Pushing Loki's two beds together had in no way been a bad idea. But on mornings like these, when the only reason Cal had dragged himself out of bed was to walk Abs, he was all too happy to drop the breakfast snacks he'd grabbed on Loki's desk, strip back down to his boxers, and get back into bed to snuggle close to Loki. Close enough that really, one bed would have been more than enough.
Cal breathed in deeply, exhaled slowly, and pressed a kiss to Loki's shoulder. Summer was good.
Loki slept deeply with Cal in bed. After he slipped out to take Abs for a walk sleep grew more restless. At the edge of waking Loki was caught in a dream. It was a good dream at first.
Lazy Sunday morning. Curled in bed, sunlight spilling passed the curtains. Warm light creeping across the pillow. Turning away before it forced him to wake. Loki presses his face against a familiar shoulder, hiding from the sun. Long hair tangled with his own. Fingers stroked down his back.
”Remember, the voice whispered.
Arms held him, and he was safe, and he was... filled with nagging doubt.
Defenseless like this.
It was wrong, wrong, falling away, warmth ebbing into dark, and...
Loki jerked back with a soft cry, colliding with Cal’s solid form. The world flipped as he tried to make sense of who held him. Confusion brief, but he knew... Loki’s heart raced and his hands came up to cover his face and muffle any soft cries that threatened to escape. His emotions were a rush of adrenaline, confusion, fear, and loss.
Cal had only settled down for a few seconds when Loki jerked in his arms and covered his face with his hands, the violence of the movement and the quiet sounds of his tears destroying Cal's summer morning daze in a second. He blinked, then leaned up on an elbow, stroking his hand down Loki's arm. "Hey, hey," he said softly, stupidly. What was he supposed to say? Was this one of Loki's dreams? "I'm here," he tried, since Loki had said that this - that they - helped. "You're not alone."
Loki turned and buried his face against Cal’s chest.
“Sorry,” he gasped when he found the breath. He remained hidden behind the curtain of his hair, tucked close to Cal.
"Hey, no," Cal said gently, stroking his hand through Loki's hair before wrapping his arm securely around him. "Don't apologize. You're all good. Let it out, I've got you." Cal's heart was beating a little too fast, and he wasn't sure why, but he would absolutely hold Loki through this.
Slowly the nameless dread ebbed and Loki was able to relax into the embrace. He slumped and hugged Cal back tightly. “Not letting go for a while,” he warned.
"That totally works for me," Cal assured him, lying back down on the bed so he could wrap both arms around Loki now.
Loki let his breathing deepen. Tucking his face against Cal’s neck he was surrounded with the familiar scent and warmth. “This is better than sneaking into Thor’s room and dealing with his ponce of a roommate.”
"Who's Thor's roommate?" Cal asked, wrapping his arms a little tighter around Loki. He hated that Loki couldn't sneak into his room when he needed someone.
“Prince T’Challa,” Loki muttered with a sigh.
"And he was an asshole to you?" Cal asked, not loosening his embrace.
Understandably, Loki startled T’Challa by appearing in their room and talking in animal shape early in the morning. Loki didn't acknowledge this. “I don’t think he likes cats.”
"Only soulless people dislike cats," Cal replied, and pressed a kiss to Loki's temple. "I'm sorry."
“Entirely soulless,” Loki agreed. He pressed a kiss to Cal’s collarbone. Tucking his cheek back against Cal’s shoulder he murmured. “Gods, you’re beautiful. Why isn’t that the first thing I notice every time I wake?”
Cal might have been working hard against some of his gender bias, it still felt really weird to be called beautiful. It wasn't a word he associated with men, really. Which was bullshit, because he did think that Loki was beautiful. But Loki sort of defied gender as a whole.
So while he might've acted smug if he had been called hot, there was a hint of self-consciousness in him instead, and his smile was a little tight. "My beauty's not there to be noticed often enough? Not first thing in the morning."
“Mm.” He nuzzled against Cal’s skin.
Cal focused on the touch a moment, letting one of his hands drift to stroke random shapes on Loki's back. "You wanna tell me about it?"
The details were already fading. “I don’t understand,” Loki said softly. “Something torn away.”
"Sampson made me keep a notebook by the bed," Cal offered after a moment. "So I could write down my dreams the moment I woke up."
Loki nodded, seeing the logic behind that.
"It helped me some," Cal went on, quietly. He wasn't really used to talking about that stuff, so his speech was slow, but steady. He wanted to share this. "After a while, I started seeing some patterns in all the bullshit my subconscious was throwing at me. So I brought them up in therapy. It helped. I think. I have less nightmares now, anyway."
“Do you talk to Sampson about what happened to you?” Loki asked quietly. “Or more about how you are now?”
"All of it?" Cal answered. It felt like his heart was beating stronger than normal, but also a little slower. "It's all pretty connected, anyway."
“Glad that you can talk about it.” Loki never pushed for details on what happened to any of them inside the facility. Pretty obvious the details were human rights violations and bad shit. Didn’t mean he wasn’t morbidly curious.
"Yeah," Cal agreed, quietly. He smiled a little, more to convince himself that it was all good than anything else, and stroked his fingers through Loki's hair. Never mind that he didn't really talk about it with anyone but Sampson - and Xavier, to some extent. This wasn't about him, though; Loki had just woken up sobbing. "How are you feeling?"
“Confused as always,” Loki said with a resigned sigh. His lips twisted in a sardonic smile. He pressed a kiss to Cal’s jaw. “You’re warm. You burn the dark away.”
The best lies were also truths.
"Good," Cal said, with another small smile. More genuine, this time. "I like helping you."
A weight landed on the bed behind Loki and a cold, wet nose brushed his back as Abs nuzzled him hello.
“Okay, now I’m being ganged up on,” Loki said with a laugh. He turned to wrap an arm around Abs. “You want in on this?”
"I'm pretty impressed she wasn't in on this from the start," Cal admitted, smiling as he watched Loki with his dog.
“I was just starting to notice Cal’s state of undress,” Loki said conversationally to the lab. “So thank you for chaperoning as always, faithful hound.”
Cal groaned. "Abs, get off the bed, now," he mock-ordered her, his tone nowhere near the authority needed to make her pay attention, never mind obey.
Besides, she seemed very busy basking in the love Loki was showing her, and she half climbed on top of him in her joy.
Loki petted Abs and snuggled back against Cal. “You’ll have to wait. Looks like this is just how we live now.”
"The horror," Cal stated, reaching over Loki to pet his dog some.
“So fluffy.”
Sometimes Loki couldn’t believe how domestic their lives were. Considering their powers combined they were likely a threat to the stability universe. But look at the puppy pile.
Cal sat up a little, shifting a pillow behind his back to recline more comfortably, and let Loki recline against him. An arm around him, he rested his chin on Loki's shoulder and enjoyed the moment. The moment, and the lightheartedness Abs was bringing back to their morning.
“We should make weekend sleepovers a thing,” he suggested. “I promise some mornings you’ll get more exciting greetings.”
"You don't need to make any kind of promise for me to agree to that," Cal assured Loki, and pressed a kiss to his shoulder before resting his chin on it again.
The truth was, part of him wanted to point out that it was summer break, that until Loki left for Asgard they could do this a lot more often than just weekends. But he knew how tempting it would be to spend all his time here, rather than face the ever present awkwardness in his room. And that felt wrong on several levels.
"Hey," he said, quietly. "I know you can't really come into my room when you have a nightmare, but. You could call me. You wouldn't even have to say anything. I'd just come over."
Loki figured if he asked for weekends it seemed like a humble sampling of days in the summer. Come the school year, a weekend morning was worth more than every school day. He wanted the luxury of Cal in bed, slowly waking, and deciding whether or not getting up longer than Abs’ walk was worth the effort.
At Cal’s offer Loki kissed the arm draped across him. “I might ask Shaun to make a bat signal. Hit a button, summon when I’m too muddled to deal with the phone. You are also welcome to teleport directly into my bed and wake me if you ever need me.”
Cal frowned a little at that. "Thanks, but... there could be somebody else in your bed."
Loki let go of Abs and looked up over his shoulder. “You’re the only one sleeping here. If I’m with anyone else, it’s not here.”
It was the one restriction, this room was theirs. Wasn’t that... that was a Cal and him thing. Wasn’t it?
Oh. Cal's eyebrows raised in surprise, and then his expression softened. "Okay."
“If it’s the middle of the afternoon maybe someone is hanging out, but consider night time safe. Only reading and gaming happens in my abode.” Loki nestled back. “Unless it’s you.”
Cal wasn't sure what to say to that. He wrapped both of his arms around Loki and buried his face against his neck, kissing the soft skin there.
Abs, in the meantime, lay down against them, resting her head on her front paws.
Loki realized how many layers of intimacy that promise held. Not dating. Nope. This relationship was its own special classification.
“Do you mind if I change?” Loki asked.
Cal looked up. "Nope." He pressed a kiss to Loki's hair, then let him go, unsure what he was going to change into.
It probably deserved better clarification, but Loki needed out of his current shape. As if bones held memories, he needed to escape. Still craving touch, Loki shut his eyes and sank into their softer, female shape. It was such minimal change at the surface. Beneath Cal’s chin the curve of Loki’s shoulder slimmed. A loose cotton T-shirt covered bare skin. Loki was still lanky, compact muscle on a slender frame. The legs tangled with Cal’s were smooth, which was always a possibility in male shape honestly, but not this particular morning. Loki buried their face against Abs fur.
Oh.
Cal felt like an idiot for expecting an animal shape now. He'd pulled back to let Loki shift, and meant to reach for him again immediately, but now he wasn't sure what to do, only that his heart was thudding a little hard in his chest. He realized he'd been still for a few seconds too long, and belatedly snapped out of it and reached for Loki, but he was hesitant and awkward in his touch, the opposite of the comfort they'd found with each other.
"Better?" Cal asked, heard himself ask.
Loki kept their face buried against Abs. The dog barely twitched. Cal was a different matter. This was why Loki warned before taking this shape, but rarely warned before turning into a cat.
“Mm,” Loki murmured noncommittally. It felt like a pressure valve released. The nightmare’s hold shrank away as Loki reclaimed their body and their state of mind with it. Sometimes this was armor.
“I can add more clothes if that makes it easier,” Loki offered quietly.
"No, it's..." Cal trailed off partway through his initial, automatic dismissal. "You don't mind?" Fuck, now Loki had offered, it was all he could think about - putting clothes on himself.
Shorts changed to long sweatpants. Sleeves lengthened to quarter length. Cal shared Loki’s powers. He could manage himself.
Shit. Cal needed - he needed a moment. "I'm gonna, uh. Do this for real?" He waited for Loki to move off of him. "Sorry."
Loki shifted forward, wrapping their arms around Abs and snuggling the lab instead.
Abs looked up at them happily and nuzzled their shoulder, while Cal got out of bed and tried not to look like he was hurrying towards his randomly dropped clothes. He pulled the shorts and tank top on and resisted the urge to shift them into more covering clothes. This was fine. It would be fine. Loki was Loki, no matter what.
He climbed back onto the bed, but not to his previous spot, sitting beside Loki and Abs instead, so he could pet his dog as he said, "Sorry. I wasn't - I wasn't ready for that."
Loki nodded. “Sorry.”
"Don't apologize," Cal told them, looking up from Abs to meet Loki's gaze. "You're just - you're being you. I'm sorry my shit is... I'm sorry."
“One day we should talk about this,” Loki suggested.
Cal nodded, his throat tight. "Whenever you want." He'd talk about it now if Loki wanted, but they might still be reeling from their nightmare. And Cal couldn't even cuddle them right now. He was so fucked up.
“Whenever you feel up to it,” Loki countered. “I already pushed you off for scenic day out.”
Cal was confused about what Loki meant for a second, and then connected it to the previous day's conversation. He frowned a little, then said, to get confirmation he'd understood, "This is part of the difficult stuff."
Loki glanced at the distance between them. They sat up. “Your fight or flight response just kicked in. Yes, this is part of the difficult stuff.”
Start freaking out or flight, more like, but Cal didn't say that. He just looked back down at Abs, frowning. "Sorry."
Loki poked his leg lightly. “Stop apologizing.”
"Sor-" Cal cut himself off, grimaced. "Yeah." He paused, and looked back at Loki. "I just - I hate that I feel like this. It's you."
“It is me,” Loki agreed. “You’re okay with friendship stuff. Just... touch? I’m never sure where the line is.”
"Neither am I," Cal said honestly, and resisted the urge to apologize. Again. "I'm pretty sure it isn't set, anyway."
Loki nodded. “I don’t really know what to do other than acknowledge this is a thing.”
I'm sorry, Cal wanted to say, again. His throat was tight, but he forced other words out. "I hate that I - that there's this shape that's you that I can't -"
“Cal,” Loki said. “If you shut your eyes can you take my hand and ignore the rest for a minute?”
Cal paused, then reached for Loki's hand and closed his eyes, heart thudding a little harder in his chest again.
“Still me,” Loki said quietly. They squeezed Cal’s hand softly. “I’ve got the sword calluses to prove it.”
Cal huffed out a quiet laugh, "Yeah." He swallowed, and shifted his hand in Loki's, the better to feel it. "I just..." He hung his head, keeping his eyes closed, and stroked his thumb over Loki's hand, back and forth. "I hate that she still has this much of a hold over me. It feels like - like I'll never be free of her."
“Can you tell me more about her?” All Loki knew was that Cal’s handler was a woman.
Cal opened his eyes again, finding Loki's. "Not if you want me to keep holding your hand. Or even just - being near you."
Loki squeezed his hand again. “How would you prefer this morning to go? Want to ease away from this subject? Or do you want to go there?”
"I never want to go there," Cal remarked, and pulled his hand back awkwardly, shooting Loki an apologetic look. Just talking about talking about her was putting him on edge. "But we should talk about the difficult stuff too?"
“If you can, then let’s talk about it.” Loki tipped their head. “Would cat be better?” Boy wasn’t on the table right now, but cat they could do.
Cal shook his head. "No, I... no. This is fine. I'm just gonna..." He moved off to the bed and to the opposite wall in the room, sitting on the floor with his back to it. He ran a hand through his hair, then said, "She never... she never told me her name. I started calling her Sandra in my head, just because... just because." He didn't know why he was telling Loki this. "She came in a week or two after they grabbed me? She made the beatings stop. They treated me better, afterwards." Tears had welled up in his eyes, and he sucked in a slightly shaky breath. He needed a moment before he kept going.
Loki scooted back from Abs so that she could go to Cal if he needed. They wrapped their fingers around the edge of the blankets, holding on. Their expression stayed open, no judgement, just listening.
Abs looked between Cal and Loki, unsure what to do. Focusing on that helped Cal get a hold of himself, as he concentrated enough to be able to push a simple injunction her way, a wordless command to stay on the bed. That done, Cal's next breath was deeper and steadier, and he kept going, his eyes fixed on a random point beneath the bed.
"They were keeping me in isolation. I think they were afraid of what I could do if I grabbed mutations left and right. They - they didn't have the collars yet. So she was - she was the only person I saw regularly. She took me to mimic specific kids in controlled circumstances, too. That's how I met Caleb. They taught me how to fight, too. How to - how to kill. And I'd do it all willingly - I. I wanted her approval." The tears were back in his eyes, in his voice, but he held them back. If he started crying he wouldn't be able to keep talking. He was so ashamed. "When I did particularly well, she'd stroke a hand through my hair, or pat my back, and it was all I ever wanted."
He wiped at his eyes, swallowed, took a few breaths, and kept going. "Then they started the experiments. That's when I met Clint. They would put me in his cell so I'd heal. Whatever they did - it ended up working some. I couldn't hold onto mutations before. But then I could - except that became all I could mimic. I used to - I used to be able to mimic anything. Skills, abilities. I'd speak whatever languages people around me spoke. And then it was all - gone.
"They tried to give it back to me for a while, but they weren't getting anywhere, and they figured they could teach me the old-fashioned way. Sandra told me Clint was gone and they transferred me. Collared me. She collared me. She was - she was so proud of that tech." He could still feel her fingers on his neck whenever she put the collar on him, and he rubbed at his neck to chase away the phantom sensation. "The first time she put it on me, she said she had a present for me. And it - it was. After that, when I did well, she'd let me have a meal with the other kids. It was... I was desperate for that. Being kept in solitary, it was - it was fucking with my head." This time the tears did roll down his cheeks, and his voice shook. "You don't wanna know the things I've done to please her."
Loki let that sentence settle. If they responded would Cal be able to continue? There was nothing logical to say. No words Loki could use to make this better. “I won’t judge you for any of it,” Loki said softly. “No matter what you've done. They’re the ones that did this to you.”
Cal shook his head as the tears kept coming, slowly but steadily. "Except they didn't. Everybody says that, but they didn't beat me like they did the others. I wanted to do that stuff. I was eager to prove myself. To make her proud. Even when that meant..." His throat closed up, and he tried to wipe away his tears, except there were always more. He couldn't say it. What if he lost Loki? He would rather keep hiding, and keep them in his life, no matter how fucked up that was. "Whatever it took," he finished, his throat too tight for anything above this quiet monotone.
“Cal,” Loki said softly, but fervently. “I’m sure Sampson has told you this before, but abuse isn’t all violence. Manipulation is more effective.”
"Yeah, really nice words," Cal agreed dryly, his self-loathing manifesting into an edge of anger in his voice.
“If someone hurts you you get angry. If someone uses you...” Loki couldn’t explain that this wasn’t all SJW observation from reading tumblr and psychology class articles. If Loki wanted to control someone? He would make them love him. He would make them fear him. He would make sure they needed him before pushing in a blade. Violence held little power compared to control. That train of thought wouldn’t help this conversation.
"You like it," Cal finished for Loki, his voice practically vibrating with anger now.
“If they’re doing their job right,” Loki agreed. “You had nothing. She gave you what she needed to to make you listen.”
"Can we - I don't want you to - can we not do this?" Cal asked, putting his hands on the wall behind him to help push himself up. He crossed over to the desk and grabbed a tissue to blow his nose. Fuck, he hated everything about this. Including Sandra. Including himself.
Loki shifted back. “Yeah. Sorry. I don’t need to argue. I’m angry for you, but not helpful.”
The used tissue landed in the trash can and Cal sat on Loki's desk chair, turned sideways. He didn't know how to even look at Loki right now. He just wanted to curl up against him and cry while Loki held him. But Loki was not a him right now and - Cal sighed out, angry and frustrated with himself, and leaned his elbows on his thighs to rub both hands over his face, like that would help scrub his brain clean. Except he would never be free of her, would he. Even as he had killed her, he'd wanted, so badly, for her to see how well he had followed their lessons. How clean a kill it was. Even as he'd killed her, he'd wanted her approval.
He thought a part of him would always want her approval.
Loki’s anger simmered, helpless rage at the people that did this to Cal. “What do you need?” Loki asked. “Or want. Right now. Is there anything?”
Cal shook his head, until the poke of a wet nose against his knee made him chuckle down at Abs. It wasn't a very joyful sound at all, but it existed. He reached out to pet her. "Thanks, girl." He looked over at Loki. "You wanna go for a run?" Exhausting himself sounded like a plan. The only plan, at this stage.
Loki slid off the bed. “I’m all for it.”
Cal shifted into his wolf dog form even as he moved to the floor. He really didn't want to stay human one second longer.
Loki went to grab the door, keeping hands as long as it took to get them outside.
Some long hours later, Cal had finally managed to run himself ragged, find Loki and Abs (who had both called it quits much earlier), and have a much needed nap, curled up in a corner of Loki's room. When he woke up, he was predictably starving. He stretched and trotted over to Loki, seeking touch again for the first time since this morning's overshare.
Loki was curled up on top of Abs in cat shape. He'd switched back to human long enough to feed Abs earlier and bring them back inside. Now they were a worn out menagerie. It wasn't deep sleep. Loki peered down once Cal stirred. He jumped off the bed and brushed through Cal's front legs.
Starving, Cal thought at Loki. Going for a food run. There were still the snacks he'd brought for breakfast on Loki's desk, but he wanted proper food. He nosed down at the cat. Want anything?
"Eat out there, or bring it back?" Loki asked. "I could eat." He'd grabbed a snack when he fed Abs, but hadn't done a full meal.
Bring it back, Cal replied without hesitation. What's your pleasure?
Loki nuzzled against his leg again. "The usual non-pawed dining."
Whatever I can drum up, check, Cal said, nosed at the cat again, muttered a quiet "Okay," and was gone in a flash of pink.
He was back, human-shaped, a little while later, bearing a tray with a couple of plates of mac'n'cheese - and not the fancy sort. There was also a couple of drinks, and some cookies for dessert. "Here we go."
Loki rolled over from the sun patch by the window and turned back into person shaped. Male this time. Enough time had passed. Loki accepted the lunch offering without complaint, even if his palette cringed at most of the processed food around here. Orange number five was clearly how they ended up with all these mutants. “Thank you, love.”
"You don't have to..." Cal gestured vaguely at them as he grabbed his own plate. "I'm - I think I'm okay now. Steadier, anyway."
Loki shrugged. “It’s fine.”
Cal put his plate back down, took Loki's back from them next, then wrapped his arms around them and gave them a soft kiss. "'It's fine' never means that it is fine, right? You don't have to be like this on my account."
Loki reached up to cup Cal’s cheek. “If it didn’t sit right, I could have stayed a cat. Why would I lie to you? Avoid the question entirely, sure. But it’s you.”
Cal turned his face into Loki's hand to kiss his fingers, then looked back at him. "All right." He hugged him tight for a couple of seconds. "Thank you." Then he released him, and reached for his plate again. "I mean, I don't think a cat could properly appreciate mac'n'cheese."
“I would have demanded some fatty tuna were it an issue,” Loki said with an air of dignity reserved for princes and cats. He grabbed his dish and sat on top of the spare desk, nudging the chair open with an inviting gesture.
Cal took the invitation, propping his feet on the desk beside Loki. His lips ticked up at Loki's wording - never mind the tone that came with it - but he didn't say anything, only got started on his pasta. He really was starving.
Loki folded his legs up onto the desk and started snacking. There was a jar on the edge of the desk that he reached for. He fished out a treat for Abs and tossed it down to her. She may have already eaten, but those big brown eyes were boring holes into his soul.
Abs gobbled up the treat, then barked happily and propped her paws up on the desk, nosing at Loki's legs, her tail wagging. "Abs, just because he's spoiling you doesn't mean you shouldn't let him eat," Cal told her, fond and absolutely 100% approving of the whole spoiling her thing.
Loki gestured with his spoon. “I’d offer some of this, but I think it’s questionable for dogs.”
"You can upgrade that questionable to downright unhealthy," Cal confirmed with a nod. Still, Abs whined hopefully at Loki, paws resting against his legs. "Abs..."
“You will be spoiled more later,” Loki promised. “I’ll hunt down a very nice elk for you and save all the best parts.”
Cal put his feet back on the ground so he could straighten up and snapped his fingers, bringing Abs to his side. He petted her one-handed, the other hand holding his plate away from her. "Much later. We don't even know if you'd like elk, huh? But right now, you gotta let us eat, girl. Yes, you do."
So spoiled. Loki smirked and nibbled his lunch as Cal communed with his animal companion.
Eventually, Cal managed to get back to eating, and the rest of the meal went by in companionable silence. Fuck, he had been starving. He got to his feet once they were done, piling up their plates on the desk, then came to stand in front of Loki, putting his hands on Loki's waist. "Hey."
Loki hooked one leg around Cal. “Hey,” he responded with a small smile.
"So, how much of an issue is it gonna be?" he asked, worry a darker shadow at the back of his eyes. "That I can't deal when you're - more female." Was that an okay way to put it? Cal was wildly unequipped to talk about this without stepping in it, and resolved to find more blogs about gender fluidity.
“I don’t know,” Loki said, scooting closer. “This doesn’t always fit. So you won’t always be comfortable with me.”
"Yeah," Cal agreed, because it was true. Right now, though, he was doing fine, his hands firmly resting on Loki's hips, as if to remind them both, after earlier, what it was like when he was comfortable with Loki. "How much of an issue is that gonna be for you?"
Loki couldn’t quantify the question. He wished Cal wanted all of him, but again, they weren’t dating. Even if they were, he couldn’t change they way Cal was wired. Well. Ethically, consensually, practically it couldn’t be done. So what could Loki do?
“At least it will stop us from becoming horribly codependent?” Loki suggested.
Cal winced. "I'm pretty sure the ship has sailed on that one. I mean, on my side of the equation." All of his most meaningful relationships were horribly codependent. He was self-aware enough to know that much, but he also... couldn't imagine another way to be. He paused, then shook his head. "I mean, I don't - I don't think there's ever anyone I'm always comfortable with. I'm still... way more comfortable with you than with, like, anyone else." Even Clint, even Caleb. And that was really fucking scary, in its own way.
Mm. Even without hearing Cal’s unspoken thoughts Loki inferred who that ‘anyone else’ included. That was a welcome power trip. He hooked his fingers around the hem of Cal’s shirt. “I really like you,” Loki said. “If you weren’t a little bit afraid of me I’d be concerned by how much I like you. I’m no stranger to wanting things I can’t have. Love isn’t material. So yes, I wish it was different, but this is where we are. I still have this. And this is a big leap from book dates in separate corners of a room.”
"It didn't feel like a leap," Cal stated quietly. The moment felt so intimate of a sudden, and it struck him again, how lucky he was that he could still have moments like this. That Sandra hadn't ruined all of it for him. That Loki would offer him so much. "I think I'm a little past just liking you." What if it wasn't romantic love? It still mattered.
“Cal,” Loki whined softly. “When you say things like that it makes it very difficult to let go of you. But I’m sure there’s a reason we’re going to need to leave this room at some point.”
"We don't technically need to let go to get out of this room," Cal pointed out, brushing his nose against Loki's.
“Are you supporting public indecency, because I’d let you get away with a whole bunch of scenic suggestions right now,” Loki murmured with a smile.
"Oh yeah, that's me, such an exhibitionist," Cal deadpanned.
Loki nuzzled along his jaw. “The beach was fun. We’ll do something like that again?”
"Yeah," Cal agreed, stroking his hands up Loki's back, and then down again. "Yeah, it was... nice. Thank you for coming with me."
“Mm.” Loki kissed his neck, then tightened both legs around Cal to pull him into a full body hug.
Cal wrapped his arms tight around Loki, turning his head to rest his face against his hair. He breathed in deep, then kissed Loki's hair. "Is there other difficult stuff? Between us?"
Loki snorted softly. "You ask as I start melting. How about you first? Anything got you worried?"
"Not really," Cal admitted, still holding Loki tight. "Everything feels so damn easy with you, I have to hold myself back sometimes. But then... I don't know, I just get worried things might not be as easy for you, and I don't even notice 'cause I'm too wrapped up in my own shit."
Loki considered that and then buried his face against Cal's neck. There was no way Cal could feel Loki's blush against his skin. "Not precisely a difficulty," Loki said, "But... on the note of holding yourself back... You can be rougher with me if you're ever inclined... I know you don't like to feel trapped or in danger, but... I don't really get the same effect." Loki was 100% not making eye contact as he suggested this. Honestly, he'd given Cal plenty of dubious book recommendations. He probably understand what Loki was getting at. Loki was still worried this fell in the realm of bad associations.
Oh. Cal had not expected that, but maybe he should have. Loki had hinted, before, and... Cal frowned, realized he'd tensed a little, and forced himself to relax. Then he pulled back, just enough to be able to look at Loki, because he needed to look him in the eyes if they were going to talk about this. Except then he realized that Loki had just been hiding his face against Cal's neck, and what Cal had been about to say got sidetracked. "Hey, you know you can tell me that stuff, right? There's nothing to be, like, ashamed about or anything."
This time there was no hiding the blush. “You say this,” Loki said. “But I can think of few people I would admit this to. And even you, things that I think I’d like in a friendly context... well... I’m betting they’ll be more bad associations?”
"Doesn't make them shameful," Cal answered, holding Loki's gaze. He moved a hand to brush his thumb softly over Loki's cheekbone, the pink hue of his skin. "There's nothing wrong with what you like. I know you know that." Those books Loki had recommended, they were too sex-positive for Loki not to know that.
Loki turned his head enough to kiss Cal’s palm. “I know. But I’m never going to ask you to do something that freaks you out.”
"You aren't," Cal assured him, fitting his palm against Loki's cheek now, cupping it gently. "You're just telling me what you like. You're never gonna force me to do something I don't want to." Cal knew what Loki was capable of. He knew some of what haunted him. But this wasn't a concern, between them. "We're just - having a conversation. I like that."
Loki pressed into Cal’s touch. “And you accuse me of being too easy.”
"Things are easy between us," Cal corrected Loki's words, then allowed himself a small smile. "You know, mostly. Relatively." He leaned in and pressed a tender kiss to Loki's forehead. "I don't think I could be rough with you," he admitted, then. Cal couldn't dissociate that from violence, which was a big no. "But maybe... I could try - being in control more? If you want." For all of his assurances to Loki, Cal could feel his own cheeks heating up at the words. But he wasn't hiding, so that was something? And he wasn't sure how much of it might be a blush, and how much a flush.
“I’m up for trying.” Loki lowered his eyes and smiled. “My mood varies. But I like to know I can push and something or someone won’t give way.”
"I don't know how much I can do that," Cal admitted, gaze lowering as he frowned. "If I can do it at all." It seemed different, being in charge with Loki a clearly willing participant, and him pushing against Cal.
Loki leaned in and kissed Cal softly. “Food for thought,” he murmured.
Everything Loki did was different with Cal. He worked hard to be honest, to be good, to not scare Cal away. This relationship was delicate spun silk. Loki felt a pang of guilt, but this was why he was grateful Cal kept that ‘snogging other people’ clause open. Someone else could spar with him. Cal could keep being sunshine.
Cal leaned back in, chasing Loki's lips for another kiss, in the wake of those words. It was a long, tender kiss, the sort that made warmth flutter in Cal's lungs. When he pulled back, he leaned his forehead against Loki's, trying to pull himself together.
Loki shut his eyes and let the moment settle. Then, with his fill of peace, he kissed Cal again, ending with a teasing nip. Loki wrapped his arms tight around Cal. This time he wasn’t hiding. He was clinging full body, arms around his neck, legs around his waist, face pressed to Cal’s neck. Loki took a deep breath and wriggled to test the fit.
Cal wrapped his arms securely around Loki, settling into the moment. Although when Loki wiggled, it felt less like Loki testing the fit and more like Loki testing him, because... well, teenage boy. He didn't need much encouragement, and blood started flowing south. He brushed his lips to Loki's ear, then pressed a kiss to his temple, hands slowly shifting on his back.
Loki’s lips curved at Cal’s reaction. “What do you want to do with the rest of the day?” He asked, voice low.
"The rest of the day? I had a way shorter term plan," Cal admitted, and shifted his hips to press a little more against Loki. "Like you staying right there and letting me blow you."
Loki's grip slackened. "That sounds like... a good plan."
It was a beginning, anyway, Cal thought, and kissed him again.
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Date: 2019-10-04 01:53 am (UTC)Awesome log, guys! <3
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Date: 2019-10-04 09:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-06 12:47 am (UTC)