Loki and Cal - Backdated
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ax_mainCal tries to sort through the mess in his head. Being with Loki helps.
Cal had taken Caleb's advice and forced himself to bring it all up with Sampson. (Better him than Xavier, by far.) Once he'd started talking about it, he hadn't been able to stop, and before long he'd confessed to it all. His complicated, conflicted feelings for Clint. The safety of his relationship with Loki. Even how he wanted to kiss Caleb.
Sampson had sounded pragmatic but not unsympathetic, that special tone shrinks seemed to master, as he suggested that perhaps Cal was conflating intimacy and desire, after his time spent in isolation and his difficult relationship with physical touch. Add teenage hormones to the mix and... But Sampson had also insisted that there was nothing wrong with Cal. That none of what he was feeling was wrong. That this might be an opportunity, to explore a side of his sexuality he had ignored.
That all that mattered was handling these feelings in healthy ways.
That was Cal's homework for the next week. Thinking about whether he was in a good, healthy place, and not letting his insecurities dictate his answer.
Cal hated not measuring up to a task, and Sampson's homework tended to make him feel inadequate, at times, given how much he struggled with it. He pretended that everything was fine with Caleb and Clint, although he was pretty sure that wasn't healthy. But he told Loki he needed a few days to process some stuff.
The nearer the next session loomed, the less Cal felt like he had an answer, and the more he missed Loki. So one evening, he ended up texting him, asking if he could come over, and was knocking on Loki's door, Abs by his side, the second he got a positive answer.
Loki dragged the door open and stepped back to let Cal and entourage in. Despite the hour of the day, and the likelihood Loki wasn’t sleeping anytime soon, he was wrapped in his decadent green bathrobe with lounging pants and slippers poking out beneath. The two towers of books next to his bed implied it might be a reading day. “Hey,” Loki said simply. His tone was light. Well practiced calm in the face of a friend that avoided him for multiple days. No, Loki had no reason to be concerned, none at all.
"Hey," Cal answered, suddenly feeling the awkwardness he had studiously ignored as he spur-of-the-moment texted Loki. The door closed, Cal turned back to Loki and reached out tentatively, fingers brushing his shoulder.
However, Abs apparently had no idea how to read a room, because she barked enthusiastically and stood on her hind legs to put her front paws on Loki.
Loki leaned briefly toward Cal then rocked back at Abs enthusiasm. “Hey, monster,” Loki said wryly. “How did you get this big?”
Cal hung back awkwardly as Abs demanded all the pets (which she absolutely, forever deserved). Tears suddenly stung at the back of his eyes, but he blinked them away before they might show, and checked on his shields. Maybe this had been a mistake after all. He still didn't have a clue how to answer Sampson's question, and seeing Loki was just going to confuse him further.
For one thing, he shouldn't be feeling jealous of his fucking dog.
Loki ruffled the lab a moment longer before inching back toward the tin on his desk where he kept treats for Cal’s companion. He tossed the treat on the rug in front of his bed, bribing her for momentary space. “What about you?” Loki asked, turning back to his friend. “Did you need to get any jumping out of your system?”
Cal swallowed against the lump in his throat and tried for a small smile, aware he landed miles from his usual half-smile. "How about some hugging?" He didn't look away from Loki, but that required effort, because he felt like his mess of emotions must all be right there in his eyes, no matter how tight his shields were.
Loki scrutinized him and extended his arms. “C’mere.”
Cal hugged him immediately, and a little fiercely. Wrapped his arms around him and held him tight. Breathed him in, and let the moment smooth over the ragged edges of his emotions. Only once he felt a little steadier did he loosen his hold enough to be able to press a kiss to Loki's cheek, and tell him, quietly, "Thank you."
Loki squeezed him back. “How many blankets do I need to swaddle you in before you tell me why you’ve been on walkabout for three days?”
"I don't need blankets," Cal replied honestly, relaxing into the hug. "Just you." Why had he stayed away again? There was nothing worth avoiding the warmth that flooded his chest when he was with Loki. The sense of safety.
“Good answer,” Loki noted. He started the backward shuffle again, this time luring toward the bed instead of the box of treats.
Cal moved with Loki, happy to climb onto the bed and settle into one of the many ways they had figured out they fit together. Once there, he looked into Loki's eyes, a silent question in his, then kissed him softly. "I'm sorry," he murmured against his lips, eyes closed. "I'm an idiot."
Loki kissed him back softly. The rattling fear that Cal took this time to find the best way to get rid of him started to dissipate. Not gone, but less pressing. “We knew that. Why apologize for the obvious?” Loki nuzzled against him.
"It's easier than apologizing for what isn't?" Cal offered, feeling the prick of tears at the back of his eyes again. He stroked his hand over Loki's shoulder and down his arm, focusing on the silky feel of the robe, the shape of him underneath. "Sampson asked me to think about some stuff, and I thought seeing you would make it more confusing. But things feel clearer when I'm with you. I'm sorry I forgot that."
Loki took a faltering breath. “Then stay with me.”
"I'm not - going anywhere," Cal said, although there was a small frown on his brow, and a question in his eyes. Did Loki mean tonight, or... more, somehow?
Loki scooted closer to nuzzle Cal’s shoulder. “Congrats on therapying hard. I hope it’s helping.”
"Probably," Cal said, after a beat, letting his unvoiced question go. "I mean, right now I feel frayed as fuck, but." He would have shrugged, but he didn't want to dislodge Loki.
“If feeling raw is healthy that explains so much.” Loki starting playing with the of Cal’s shirt, the fabric giving him something else to hold on to.
"Hey," Cal said softly, and tugged on one of Loki's locks of hair. "How are you?"
“Eh.” The return to Asgard was fast approaching. Dark dreams were a regular occurrence. His maybe best friend needed space for speculative reasons. “Summer is weird.”
"Tell me about it," Cal requested quietly. He felt like he was always leaning on Loki so much. It wasn't right. That kind of thing should go both ways.
Loki grumbled softly and pushed Cal toward the pillows, rearranging their limbs so he could rest his head in the crook of Cal’s shoulder. He pulled Cal’s arm around him. “This is my second summer here, and every time I think about how I spent last summer it sits like an ill fitting garment.”
Cal frowned; he couldn't remember anything off with Loki last summer. He rubbed circles over his back as he thought it over, then asked, when he came up short, "How's that?"
Loki shut his eyes. “There’s just... I stayed up late on the computer? Read books? Shaun’s birthday happened. It feels like a whole bunch of nothing. But then sometimes I think there was something important, some reason I wanted to be here... but it’s like. Dreams. A projection as if there was something better.”
"What about this summer?" Cal asked, still keeping his voice quiet.
Loki stretched his arm across Cal to take his opposite hand. “I like it here.”
Loki’s tone heavily implied here was not the school, here was this position.
Cal threaded their fingers together, and nosed at Loki's face until he could find his lips for a short, soft kiss. So do I, he let out, along with some of the warmth in his lungs. But he closed his shields back up after it, unwilling to get derailed for now. He shifted and pressed another kiss to Loki's forehead. "Why do you think it bugs you so much? Last summer, I mean."
Loki let out a softer breath, reluctance weakening with every soft kiss. “I have these dreams,” he said quietly. “I wake up buried under something lost. It would be easier if that something was real. Tangible. A specific time. If it’s just my subconscious screaming about the loss of childhood there’s nothing for me to stab and make it better. So maybe I’m looking for excuses...”
"Excuses for what?" Cal asked, bending his arm to pet Loki's hair as they talked.
“For where the emptiness comes from.” The response was hushed.
Cal's heart ached for Loki, fingers sliding through his hair. "But this makes it better?"
Loki nodded. There was still an ache he couldn’t fill gnawing at the back of his thoughts, but all the mundane bullshit faded while Cal held him. This fit right. This was important. This gave him a place to belong. “Yes,” he answered softly.
Cal's heart was beating a little too strongly in his chest, and he nearly said a couple of things, but instead, the words that came out were, "I'll try and visit."
Loki stilled. When the surprise faded he sucked in a breath. “Cal,” he said, relief spilling past his shields.
Would he regret his promise? Cal had no idea. He felt like he would, because he wasn't ready, but he would damn well give it his all. He couldn't bear to think of Loki feeling so fucking lonely in his huge ass castle. Tentatively, he lowered his shields just enough to feel what it was brushing against them, then brought them back up. Yeah. He was definitely doing this. "I won't leave you on your own," he promised, holding Loki's gaze.
“Thank you,” Loki whispered quietly. “Thank you.”
"Hey, no," Cal said immediately, untangling his fingers from Loki's to cup his face instead. "Don't - I mean - you're always here for me."
Loki turned his head to kiss Cal’s palm. “Yeah, well. You’re terrified of a lot more things. And I can’t make you feel safe even in my heavily guarded castle. So it means a lot that you’ll try.”
"You can make me feel safe in your arms," Cal answered, soft and vulnerable. It sounded so fucking corny, but it was also a little too true.
Loki grinned at the statement. “Did we just become a romance novel?”
Cal tried to chuckle, but mostly just huffed out a breath. He managed a small smile. "Yeah. I guess. Sorry." Things were building up inside him fast - anxiety, restlessness - and Abs whined from the floor, probably sensing it. "Sorry," he added, pulling away now, pulling away and sliding off the bed to join Abs on the floor. She went to him willingly and licked his face as he started petting her.
Loki stretched out. He was used to Cal pulling away when things were too much. That’s why he gave him space for multiple days when requested. Loki shifted, turning into is majestic, fluffy feline form and wriggling our from under the silky bathrobe. He jumped heavily onto Cal’s chest.
Cal hadn't been ready for it, and it took all of his self-control not to respond in an unfortunate manner. Instead, he let Loki's jump send him reeling back against the floor and stroked both hands down the cat's body. "Don't - don't surprise me right now," he asked, damn near pleaded.
“Sorry, thought it would be better not a person,” Loki said. With Cal’s fingers stroking through his fur he didn’t climb off, just waited for Abs to join the pile.
Cal lifted Loki in his hands and sat up, putting him back down in his lap. Now, there, one hand for Loki, one hand for Abs. Cal didn't want to talk just then. He felt so close to being overwhelmed again, this great dam of feelings that seemed to rise out of him at random intervals, threatening to burst.
Loki curled into a ball and purred quietly. As long as he didn’t have to move this was the goal.
Cal thought for a moment he might not be able to push it back down, this time. For the longest time, he kept petting Loki and Abs, and felt as if he might burst. But eventually, the pressure inside him eased just a little. It took a while longer, but eventually, he thought that he had himself under control again. He rubbed Abs's head one last time, pressed a kiss to her skull, then leaned back against the bed behind him and rubbed Loki's nape more purposefully. "I'm sorry. You can shift back."
“Do you want me to?” He squinted up at Cal. “This is a perfectly good vantage point. If you’re doing all the petting.”
Cal was silent for a beat, and then said, quietly, "Please shift back."
Loki climbed off his lap first. He returned to human shape, now only in lounge pants and a black, lace trimmed tank top. “Hey,” he said gently.
If Loki was moving off of him first, then Cal was standing up to join him. He slid a hand along his jaw as he stepped in close, then kissed him softly. A kiss that meant I'm sorry, and thank you, and something else.
Loki trailed his fingertips down Cal’s wrist. For two folks with mind bending powers they did a whole bunch of talking without words, but also without that extra skill set involved. Loki thought he still got the gist.
Cal turned his hand towards Loki's, a brush of his own fingers against his, then broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around Loki again, in a solid embrace. Eyes closed, anchoring himself in the moment.
Loki let his breath settle, slow and steady. Holding Cal he could do.
Eventually, Cal pulled back. "Sorry." He sat on the bed, reaching for Loki's hand. "We were talking about you - my shit got in the way."
“Meh, this is our lives. There is shit. I’m pretty used to you by now, buddy.” Loki lifted Cal’s hand and kissed the back of it.
Cal's throat tightened again, and there was a shadow in his eyes. "I'm sorry you have to be."
If Cal was less traumatized, he probably wouldn’t need Loki. He had plenty of other people in his life for the normal stuff. Loki did not voice this. “Let it go.”
Cal's lips twisted into a brief grimace. "Thanks, Elsa." He pulled his hand back from Loki's, leaned his elbows on his thighs and rubbed his face with his hands. It was a fucking miracle Loki wasn't sick of him and his drama already.
“I’ll have you know I’m not the oldest princess in my family, although I am the coolest.” Loki day back in the edge of the bed.
"Clint likes me," Cal said, from behind his hands, before dragging them off his face as he sat up. Preventively, he added, "He's not gonna shoot you."
Loki raised a brow. Well, there was a solid reason for all this avoidance. “Oh?”
"Yeah," Cal said, frowning a little at how... unsurprised Loki sounded. "So I told him, too." He paused, ran a hand back through his hair. "At least it's out there now?"
Loki blinked slowly. “That’s it? You confess to mutual feelings, but just as a mention? You’re not... Pursuing?”
"I guess not," Cal replied slowly. He looked down at his hands, realized he'd been rubbing them together nervously. He didn't want to lie to Loki. "I think - maybe we'd try, if I was gonna. Call it off. With you." He looked up at Loki with those last words, unsure how he was going to take them.
Loki was still, hands pressed against the bed. “So you’d date each other. If we, what? Stopped kissing? Stopped the topless sleepovers? Or...?”
"I don't know exactly," Cal answered with a shake of his head. Why was everyone so obsessed with that word, dating? Cal was still pretty sure he was incapable of anything like 'dating', and it put him so ill at ease. Set up expectations he couldn't ever hope to meet. "It doesn't matter, really."
“Why?” Loki asked softly.
"I mean..." Cal's throat was tight again, and his eyes stung with tears. He was so fucking scared. "I don't wanna give this up."
Loki reached for his hand.
Cal met it halfway and squeezed it. "I never thought about it. That wasn't what I needed time for. It was - other shit, my shit." He paused. "I wanted you to know that."
“Good to know.” Loki drew him closer. “I don’t mind you wanting other people. I’m the surprise, not the crush here. But I do mind... I don’t like the thought of losing you. And if we ever have to go back to platonic friends that never touch I’m not ready for that.”
Cal came closer, and didn't let go of Loki's hand, but wrapped his other arm around him in a hug all the same. "I don't wanna give this up," he repeated, more fiercely now, for all that he had gone quieter. "I won't."
Loki hugged back tightly. “Okay,” he said softly. “You have no idea how much it kills me, trying to do whatever is best for you, when I have no desire to let go.”
"Don't let go," Cal told him, immediately. "You don't know how good you are to me, if you ever think you should."
Loki hooked one ankle around Cal’s leg. “You say this now. This is about to get really clingy.” He nuzzled Cal’s shoulder softly.
Cal chuckled, and pressed a kiss to Loki's hair. "Good thing you taught me how to let people close again."
“Stay tonight? You brought Abs, so stay?”
"I'm not going anywhere," Cal repeated quietly. Then amended, "I mean, I'm gonna have to take her out for a you-know-what at some point." If he said the word walk now, they wouldn't have any peace.
Loki grinned. “Acceptable. I’m gonna need a bigger bed if she keeps insisting on growing.”
"Dude, she's like, almost a year and a half," Cal pointed out, amused and relaxing into that easy, light emotion. "She's done growing. You just keep seeing her from different perspectives."
"So you say," Loki grumbled playfully.
"But, well." Cal leaned back from the embrace enough to tilt his head towards the bed on the other side of the room. "You could always push these two together."
Loki raised a brow. That meant getting rid of a the escape bed for when Cal needed to flee halfway through the night.
Cal shrugged one shoulder awkwardly. "I don't, you know. Technically need a bed. I can just shift and curl up on the floor." When he felt that way, shifting tended to help, anyway.
Hell, if he really needed a bed, he could just blink his in for the night.
Loki smiled. "Want to push some furniture together later?"
"Yeah," Cal answered, meeting Loki's smile. "Sure."
Loki leaned to brush a kiss against Cal's cheek. "Look at you, full of happy surprises."
Cal's smile dimmed a little, and he went quiet, then pulled them both back down on the bed. He didn't really feel full of happy surprises, and nuzzled Loki's throat.
Loki stroked his fingers down Cal's back, petting him slowly. Okay, so it was a mixed bag of happy surprises, confusing surprises, and unfortunate emotional reveals that might come back to bite them later. Loki was going to celebrate the good right now. His hands slowed over the knots of tension near Cal's shoulders and kneaded softly as he moved along.
Cal groaned against Loki's neck as his fingers worked on his shoulders, and he stilled against him to let him work. This was a good place, a healthy place. His other crushes, he would never act on them, and everything would be fine. As long as he had this.
Loki nuzzled against Cal's hair and started massaging with more intent. "That is such a good sound," he murmured.
"Such a good feeling," Cal assured him, his voice a little gravelly. He lowered his shields just enough to let Loki feel it, too.
Loki was a very good prince, and he kept the massage PG. Despite the warmth flooding through his limbs. His lips brushed softly below Cal's ear. "I endeavor to make you feel good for the rest of our days."
No matter how PG Loki kept things, Cal was a hormonal teenage boy. But all the same, his arousal remained in the background, low embers to the steady pain-pleasure of kinks being worked out of his back and neck. When he spoke, his voice was low and lazy, his words a little slurred together. "You make a very good case for never leaving this bed."
Loki pressed a soft kiss to his pulse. "I'm wise like that."
Cal smiled, and then chuckled, slowly reeling his emotions back behind his shields. "You're something all right," he agreed, and lifted his head to capture Loki's lips in a deep, languid kiss that seemed to his currently relaxed mood perfectly.
Loki kept his touch steady and kissed back softly, letting the mood sink into easy state.
Cal had taken Caleb's advice and forced himself to bring it all up with Sampson. (Better him than Xavier, by far.) Once he'd started talking about it, he hadn't been able to stop, and before long he'd confessed to it all. His complicated, conflicted feelings for Clint. The safety of his relationship with Loki. Even how he wanted to kiss Caleb.
Sampson had sounded pragmatic but not unsympathetic, that special tone shrinks seemed to master, as he suggested that perhaps Cal was conflating intimacy and desire, after his time spent in isolation and his difficult relationship with physical touch. Add teenage hormones to the mix and... But Sampson had also insisted that there was nothing wrong with Cal. That none of what he was feeling was wrong. That this might be an opportunity, to explore a side of his sexuality he had ignored.
That all that mattered was handling these feelings in healthy ways.
That was Cal's homework for the next week. Thinking about whether he was in a good, healthy place, and not letting his insecurities dictate his answer.
Cal hated not measuring up to a task, and Sampson's homework tended to make him feel inadequate, at times, given how much he struggled with it. He pretended that everything was fine with Caleb and Clint, although he was pretty sure that wasn't healthy. But he told Loki he needed a few days to process some stuff.
The nearer the next session loomed, the less Cal felt like he had an answer, and the more he missed Loki. So one evening, he ended up texting him, asking if he could come over, and was knocking on Loki's door, Abs by his side, the second he got a positive answer.
Loki dragged the door open and stepped back to let Cal and entourage in. Despite the hour of the day, and the likelihood Loki wasn’t sleeping anytime soon, he was wrapped in his decadent green bathrobe with lounging pants and slippers poking out beneath. The two towers of books next to his bed implied it might be a reading day. “Hey,” Loki said simply. His tone was light. Well practiced calm in the face of a friend that avoided him for multiple days. No, Loki had no reason to be concerned, none at all.
"Hey," Cal answered, suddenly feeling the awkwardness he had studiously ignored as he spur-of-the-moment texted Loki. The door closed, Cal turned back to Loki and reached out tentatively, fingers brushing his shoulder.
However, Abs apparently had no idea how to read a room, because she barked enthusiastically and stood on her hind legs to put her front paws on Loki.
Loki leaned briefly toward Cal then rocked back at Abs enthusiasm. “Hey, monster,” Loki said wryly. “How did you get this big?”
Cal hung back awkwardly as Abs demanded all the pets (which she absolutely, forever deserved). Tears suddenly stung at the back of his eyes, but he blinked them away before they might show, and checked on his shields. Maybe this had been a mistake after all. He still didn't have a clue how to answer Sampson's question, and seeing Loki was just going to confuse him further.
For one thing, he shouldn't be feeling jealous of his fucking dog.
Loki ruffled the lab a moment longer before inching back toward the tin on his desk where he kept treats for Cal’s companion. He tossed the treat on the rug in front of his bed, bribing her for momentary space. “What about you?” Loki asked, turning back to his friend. “Did you need to get any jumping out of your system?”
Cal swallowed against the lump in his throat and tried for a small smile, aware he landed miles from his usual half-smile. "How about some hugging?" He didn't look away from Loki, but that required effort, because he felt like his mess of emotions must all be right there in his eyes, no matter how tight his shields were.
Loki scrutinized him and extended his arms. “C’mere.”
Cal hugged him immediately, and a little fiercely. Wrapped his arms around him and held him tight. Breathed him in, and let the moment smooth over the ragged edges of his emotions. Only once he felt a little steadier did he loosen his hold enough to be able to press a kiss to Loki's cheek, and tell him, quietly, "Thank you."
Loki squeezed him back. “How many blankets do I need to swaddle you in before you tell me why you’ve been on walkabout for three days?”
"I don't need blankets," Cal replied honestly, relaxing into the hug. "Just you." Why had he stayed away again? There was nothing worth avoiding the warmth that flooded his chest when he was with Loki. The sense of safety.
“Good answer,” Loki noted. He started the backward shuffle again, this time luring toward the bed instead of the box of treats.
Cal moved with Loki, happy to climb onto the bed and settle into one of the many ways they had figured out they fit together. Once there, he looked into Loki's eyes, a silent question in his, then kissed him softly. "I'm sorry," he murmured against his lips, eyes closed. "I'm an idiot."
Loki kissed him back softly. The rattling fear that Cal took this time to find the best way to get rid of him started to dissipate. Not gone, but less pressing. “We knew that. Why apologize for the obvious?” Loki nuzzled against him.
"It's easier than apologizing for what isn't?" Cal offered, feeling the prick of tears at the back of his eyes again. He stroked his hand over Loki's shoulder and down his arm, focusing on the silky feel of the robe, the shape of him underneath. "Sampson asked me to think about some stuff, and I thought seeing you would make it more confusing. But things feel clearer when I'm with you. I'm sorry I forgot that."
Loki took a faltering breath. “Then stay with me.”
"I'm not - going anywhere," Cal said, although there was a small frown on his brow, and a question in his eyes. Did Loki mean tonight, or... more, somehow?
Loki scooted closer to nuzzle Cal’s shoulder. “Congrats on therapying hard. I hope it’s helping.”
"Probably," Cal said, after a beat, letting his unvoiced question go. "I mean, right now I feel frayed as fuck, but." He would have shrugged, but he didn't want to dislodge Loki.
“If feeling raw is healthy that explains so much.” Loki starting playing with the of Cal’s shirt, the fabric giving him something else to hold on to.
"Hey," Cal said softly, and tugged on one of Loki's locks of hair. "How are you?"
“Eh.” The return to Asgard was fast approaching. Dark dreams were a regular occurrence. His maybe best friend needed space for speculative reasons. “Summer is weird.”
"Tell me about it," Cal requested quietly. He felt like he was always leaning on Loki so much. It wasn't right. That kind of thing should go both ways.
Loki grumbled softly and pushed Cal toward the pillows, rearranging their limbs so he could rest his head in the crook of Cal’s shoulder. He pulled Cal’s arm around him. “This is my second summer here, and every time I think about how I spent last summer it sits like an ill fitting garment.”
Cal frowned; he couldn't remember anything off with Loki last summer. He rubbed circles over his back as he thought it over, then asked, when he came up short, "How's that?"
Loki shut his eyes. “There’s just... I stayed up late on the computer? Read books? Shaun’s birthday happened. It feels like a whole bunch of nothing. But then sometimes I think there was something important, some reason I wanted to be here... but it’s like. Dreams. A projection as if there was something better.”
"What about this summer?" Cal asked, still keeping his voice quiet.
Loki stretched his arm across Cal to take his opposite hand. “I like it here.”
Loki’s tone heavily implied here was not the school, here was this position.
Cal threaded their fingers together, and nosed at Loki's face until he could find his lips for a short, soft kiss. So do I, he let out, along with some of the warmth in his lungs. But he closed his shields back up after it, unwilling to get derailed for now. He shifted and pressed another kiss to Loki's forehead. "Why do you think it bugs you so much? Last summer, I mean."
Loki let out a softer breath, reluctance weakening with every soft kiss. “I have these dreams,” he said quietly. “I wake up buried under something lost. It would be easier if that something was real. Tangible. A specific time. If it’s just my subconscious screaming about the loss of childhood there’s nothing for me to stab and make it better. So maybe I’m looking for excuses...”
"Excuses for what?" Cal asked, bending his arm to pet Loki's hair as they talked.
“For where the emptiness comes from.” The response was hushed.
Cal's heart ached for Loki, fingers sliding through his hair. "But this makes it better?"
Loki nodded. There was still an ache he couldn’t fill gnawing at the back of his thoughts, but all the mundane bullshit faded while Cal held him. This fit right. This was important. This gave him a place to belong. “Yes,” he answered softly.
Cal's heart was beating a little too strongly in his chest, and he nearly said a couple of things, but instead, the words that came out were, "I'll try and visit."
Loki stilled. When the surprise faded he sucked in a breath. “Cal,” he said, relief spilling past his shields.
Would he regret his promise? Cal had no idea. He felt like he would, because he wasn't ready, but he would damn well give it his all. He couldn't bear to think of Loki feeling so fucking lonely in his huge ass castle. Tentatively, he lowered his shields just enough to feel what it was brushing against them, then brought them back up. Yeah. He was definitely doing this. "I won't leave you on your own," he promised, holding Loki's gaze.
“Thank you,” Loki whispered quietly. “Thank you.”
"Hey, no," Cal said immediately, untangling his fingers from Loki's to cup his face instead. "Don't - I mean - you're always here for me."
Loki turned his head to kiss Cal’s palm. “Yeah, well. You’re terrified of a lot more things. And I can’t make you feel safe even in my heavily guarded castle. So it means a lot that you’ll try.”
"You can make me feel safe in your arms," Cal answered, soft and vulnerable. It sounded so fucking corny, but it was also a little too true.
Loki grinned at the statement. “Did we just become a romance novel?”
Cal tried to chuckle, but mostly just huffed out a breath. He managed a small smile. "Yeah. I guess. Sorry." Things were building up inside him fast - anxiety, restlessness - and Abs whined from the floor, probably sensing it. "Sorry," he added, pulling away now, pulling away and sliding off the bed to join Abs on the floor. She went to him willingly and licked his face as he started petting her.
Loki stretched out. He was used to Cal pulling away when things were too much. That’s why he gave him space for multiple days when requested. Loki shifted, turning into is majestic, fluffy feline form and wriggling our from under the silky bathrobe. He jumped heavily onto Cal’s chest.
Cal hadn't been ready for it, and it took all of his self-control not to respond in an unfortunate manner. Instead, he let Loki's jump send him reeling back against the floor and stroked both hands down the cat's body. "Don't - don't surprise me right now," he asked, damn near pleaded.
“Sorry, thought it would be better not a person,” Loki said. With Cal’s fingers stroking through his fur he didn’t climb off, just waited for Abs to join the pile.
Cal lifted Loki in his hands and sat up, putting him back down in his lap. Now, there, one hand for Loki, one hand for Abs. Cal didn't want to talk just then. He felt so close to being overwhelmed again, this great dam of feelings that seemed to rise out of him at random intervals, threatening to burst.
Loki curled into a ball and purred quietly. As long as he didn’t have to move this was the goal.
Cal thought for a moment he might not be able to push it back down, this time. For the longest time, he kept petting Loki and Abs, and felt as if he might burst. But eventually, the pressure inside him eased just a little. It took a while longer, but eventually, he thought that he had himself under control again. He rubbed Abs's head one last time, pressed a kiss to her skull, then leaned back against the bed behind him and rubbed Loki's nape more purposefully. "I'm sorry. You can shift back."
“Do you want me to?” He squinted up at Cal. “This is a perfectly good vantage point. If you’re doing all the petting.”
Cal was silent for a beat, and then said, quietly, "Please shift back."
Loki climbed off his lap first. He returned to human shape, now only in lounge pants and a black, lace trimmed tank top. “Hey,” he said gently.
If Loki was moving off of him first, then Cal was standing up to join him. He slid a hand along his jaw as he stepped in close, then kissed him softly. A kiss that meant I'm sorry, and thank you, and something else.
Loki trailed his fingertips down Cal’s wrist. For two folks with mind bending powers they did a whole bunch of talking without words, but also without that extra skill set involved. Loki thought he still got the gist.
Cal turned his hand towards Loki's, a brush of his own fingers against his, then broke the kiss and wrapped his arms around Loki again, in a solid embrace. Eyes closed, anchoring himself in the moment.
Loki let his breath settle, slow and steady. Holding Cal he could do.
Eventually, Cal pulled back. "Sorry." He sat on the bed, reaching for Loki's hand. "We were talking about you - my shit got in the way."
“Meh, this is our lives. There is shit. I’m pretty used to you by now, buddy.” Loki lifted Cal’s hand and kissed the back of it.
Cal's throat tightened again, and there was a shadow in his eyes. "I'm sorry you have to be."
If Cal was less traumatized, he probably wouldn’t need Loki. He had plenty of other people in his life for the normal stuff. Loki did not voice this. “Let it go.”
Cal's lips twisted into a brief grimace. "Thanks, Elsa." He pulled his hand back from Loki's, leaned his elbows on his thighs and rubbed his face with his hands. It was a fucking miracle Loki wasn't sick of him and his drama already.
“I’ll have you know I’m not the oldest princess in my family, although I am the coolest.” Loki day back in the edge of the bed.
"Clint likes me," Cal said, from behind his hands, before dragging them off his face as he sat up. Preventively, he added, "He's not gonna shoot you."
Loki raised a brow. Well, there was a solid reason for all this avoidance. “Oh?”
"Yeah," Cal said, frowning a little at how... unsurprised Loki sounded. "So I told him, too." He paused, ran a hand back through his hair. "At least it's out there now?"
Loki blinked slowly. “That’s it? You confess to mutual feelings, but just as a mention? You’re not... Pursuing?”
"I guess not," Cal replied slowly. He looked down at his hands, realized he'd been rubbing them together nervously. He didn't want to lie to Loki. "I think - maybe we'd try, if I was gonna. Call it off. With you." He looked up at Loki with those last words, unsure how he was going to take them.
Loki was still, hands pressed against the bed. “So you’d date each other. If we, what? Stopped kissing? Stopped the topless sleepovers? Or...?”
"I don't know exactly," Cal answered with a shake of his head. Why was everyone so obsessed with that word, dating? Cal was still pretty sure he was incapable of anything like 'dating', and it put him so ill at ease. Set up expectations he couldn't ever hope to meet. "It doesn't matter, really."
“Why?” Loki asked softly.
"I mean..." Cal's throat was tight again, and his eyes stung with tears. He was so fucking scared. "I don't wanna give this up."
Loki reached for his hand.
Cal met it halfway and squeezed it. "I never thought about it. That wasn't what I needed time for. It was - other shit, my shit." He paused. "I wanted you to know that."
“Good to know.” Loki drew him closer. “I don’t mind you wanting other people. I’m the surprise, not the crush here. But I do mind... I don’t like the thought of losing you. And if we ever have to go back to platonic friends that never touch I’m not ready for that.”
Cal came closer, and didn't let go of Loki's hand, but wrapped his other arm around him in a hug all the same. "I don't wanna give this up," he repeated, more fiercely now, for all that he had gone quieter. "I won't."
Loki hugged back tightly. “Okay,” he said softly. “You have no idea how much it kills me, trying to do whatever is best for you, when I have no desire to let go.”
"Don't let go," Cal told him, immediately. "You don't know how good you are to me, if you ever think you should."
Loki hooked one ankle around Cal’s leg. “You say this now. This is about to get really clingy.” He nuzzled Cal’s shoulder softly.
Cal chuckled, and pressed a kiss to Loki's hair. "Good thing you taught me how to let people close again."
“Stay tonight? You brought Abs, so stay?”
"I'm not going anywhere," Cal repeated quietly. Then amended, "I mean, I'm gonna have to take her out for a you-know-what at some point." If he said the word walk now, they wouldn't have any peace.
Loki grinned. “Acceptable. I’m gonna need a bigger bed if she keeps insisting on growing.”
"Dude, she's like, almost a year and a half," Cal pointed out, amused and relaxing into that easy, light emotion. "She's done growing. You just keep seeing her from different perspectives."
"So you say," Loki grumbled playfully.
"But, well." Cal leaned back from the embrace enough to tilt his head towards the bed on the other side of the room. "You could always push these two together."
Loki raised a brow. That meant getting rid of a the escape bed for when Cal needed to flee halfway through the night.
Cal shrugged one shoulder awkwardly. "I don't, you know. Technically need a bed. I can just shift and curl up on the floor." When he felt that way, shifting tended to help, anyway.
Hell, if he really needed a bed, he could just blink his in for the night.
Loki smiled. "Want to push some furniture together later?"
"Yeah," Cal answered, meeting Loki's smile. "Sure."
Loki leaned to brush a kiss against Cal's cheek. "Look at you, full of happy surprises."
Cal's smile dimmed a little, and he went quiet, then pulled them both back down on the bed. He didn't really feel full of happy surprises, and nuzzled Loki's throat.
Loki stroked his fingers down Cal's back, petting him slowly. Okay, so it was a mixed bag of happy surprises, confusing surprises, and unfortunate emotional reveals that might come back to bite them later. Loki was going to celebrate the good right now. His hands slowed over the knots of tension near Cal's shoulders and kneaded softly as he moved along.
Cal groaned against Loki's neck as his fingers worked on his shoulders, and he stilled against him to let him work. This was a good place, a healthy place. His other crushes, he would never act on them, and everything would be fine. As long as he had this.
Loki nuzzled against Cal's hair and started massaging with more intent. "That is such a good sound," he murmured.
"Such a good feeling," Cal assured him, his voice a little gravelly. He lowered his shields just enough to let Loki feel it, too.
Loki was a very good prince, and he kept the massage PG. Despite the warmth flooding through his limbs. His lips brushed softly below Cal's ear. "I endeavor to make you feel good for the rest of our days."
No matter how PG Loki kept things, Cal was a hormonal teenage boy. But all the same, his arousal remained in the background, low embers to the steady pain-pleasure of kinks being worked out of his back and neck. When he spoke, his voice was low and lazy, his words a little slurred together. "You make a very good case for never leaving this bed."
Loki pressed a soft kiss to his pulse. "I'm wise like that."
Cal smiled, and then chuckled, slowly reeling his emotions back behind his shields. "You're something all right," he agreed, and lifted his head to capture Loki's lips in a deep, languid kiss that seemed to his currently relaxed mood perfectly.
Loki kept his touch steady and kissed back softly, letting the mood sink into easy state.
