Shaun and Nolan - Backdated
Mar. 15th, 2019 03:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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ax_mainDate night, and a conversation about the direction Nolan's sessions with Xavier are taking.
Nolan liked his privacy, but never to the point that he had ever balked from going out with Shaun in public. Whether at a party or on a date, he displayed the same level of quiet affection. Small touches and looks that said it all, really; the fact that they were together had been all over the parts of the internet interested in who Nolan Ross was dating for months now.
The evening had gone well, with drinks at an upscale alcohol-free bar Nolan had chosen, then a meal at a small, delicious restaurant Shaun had, and they were now walking back to Nolan's apartment. The weather had gone warmer, the sky was clear, and there was a special joy in walking hand in hand with Shaun at night, both of them dressed to the nines for each other's benefit. Nolan was in a pale green paisley jacket and matching darker tie, with black pants and shirt allowing the jacket and tie to truly shine. Nolan was looking forward to Shaun getting his hands on that tie, but he was also enjoying this moment very much.
But not so much that he wasn't going to risk shattering the moment, and possibly killing the mood for the rest of the evening. If only because he had to bring this up at some point. It would have been too easy for anyone to eavesdrop at either the bar or the restaurant, but the street was less of a risk in the smaller crowds of the evening.
"I've been meaning to talk to you about something," Nolan started, glancing at his boyfriend. Shaun's refusal to move in together was still recent, and so Nolan immediately went on, for fear that Shaun might think those fated words (so close to we need to talk) might have to do with that. "Regarding my sessions, with the Professor."
Shaun adored going out with Nolan, and adored looking glorious when he did, both for Nolan's benefit and to inspire envy in everyone who saw them together. He'd recently invested in a cobalt blue suit which he paired with a shirt in a muted pink and gray pattern, so that his blue topaz cufflinks could truly glow. Rather than a tie, he opted for an open collar and a few layers of jewelry, including the rose gold linked-ring necklace among others of his own design. The two of them didn't exactly coordinate, but they didn't exactly clash, either. Maybe together they looked a bit like an Easter basket, ready for spring.
With his free hand, Shaun swept his loose hair back away from his face, since the night breezes liked to pick it up and toy with it, and it almost inevitably landed in his eyes. He tilted his head, thoughtful, when Nolan spoke up. "You wanted to talk to me about that? Everything I know about, um, what he does could fit in a thimble." Shaun squeezed Nolan's hand quickly. "But your mind is vastly important to me. What's going on?"
"I promise I'll stick to layman's terms," Nolan replied dryly, a gentle bit of snark before coming back to the task at hand. "Professor Xavier thinks - and I agree - that we might have been going at it the wrong way. Trying to prepare me to handle visions when they come." His voice dropped a little as he said the latter, despite the fact that no one seemed to be walking nearby. Well, someone was coming up from the opposite direction, and Nolan waited until the older couple had gone past them to keep going. "We thought, instead - maybe I can't learn how to keep them at bay until I learn to trigger them."
Though Shaun respected that Nolan wanted to keep their conversations as private as possible, he doubted very much that people paid attention to strangers' conversations on the streets. Their clasped hands and far-beyond-mundane wardrobes made them bigger targets than their words could have. Those words were troubling, though, even if no one else would understand. "Trigger them? That means... a seizure every time, right?" Shaun hated saying that, but it was the truth and it might as well be spoken. "That sounds... well, terrifying. And dangerous."
"Yes," Nolan confirmed, pushing his free hand into the pocket of his coat when the urge to fidget came over him. "Yes, both of those things. But it's also - a chance to do something. Take matters into my own hands, and try something that might yield positive results in the long run. We don't know when Simon and you might be able to ascertain whether the tech is safe." Through no fault of their own, of course; Nolan knew that Shaun was giving it his all (too much so, until recently), and he had no doubt about Simon's ethics either.
It was all too true that there was a giant gulf of difference between ‘functional’ and ‘safe.’ The suppression technology did exactly what it was supposed to do. What Shaun still didn’t know was if it would actually help. “I don’t ever want to be someone who argues against self-determination, but...”
This was Nolan’s mind, Nolan’s life, they were talking about. Shaun’s fingers caressed over the back of Nolan’s hand as much as he could without relaxing his hold. “What does the Professor... no, forget that. What do you think?”
Nolan was quiet for a moment, thinking about how best to put it. "It's been... eight months, and eighteen days, since my last seizure." He still didn't know if it had been a proper vision. "It was a relief, for a long time. But recently, it's... started to feel worse. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and drop hard. And I'm terrible at waiting, as we both know," he dryly finished, glancing at Shaun with a quick quirk of his lips. He sobered up immediately, and paused before adding, honestly, "I can't keep doing nothing and hoping it works out."
Shaun nodded as he listened, and didn't speak, wanting to know what Nolan truly thought and truly wanted. Only Nolan could make these decisions for himself, but mere days ago they had promised each other that their lives were entwined. In an odd way, Shaun's heart felt warm and full for knowing that Nolan wanted to talk with him about this. "You want to put both hands on the wheel of your own life. I get it. I'd probably feel the same way, if it were me." And Nolan would probably feel the same way Shaun did: apprehensive, worried, concerned for his health. He nibbled on his lower lip for a moment before asking, as gently as he could, "So, what... about the seizures? Does the Professor have some kind of plan?"
"I keep taking my meds, Simon keeps monitoring me," Nolan answered. His tone was a little subdued for knowing the fear that must be gripping Shaun's heart. "That's the added benefit, if I manage to learn to trigger them. Simon can monitor me as I'm having a seizure. Maybe we can learn more." Maybe. All they had were maybes, but at least maybes represented a chance.
Though he tried to control it, Shaun couldn't completed repress the shudder that tickled down his spine at the very idea of Nolan going through something so dangerous, painful, and vulnerable. He wanted to be there... and he didn't. "I kind of hate everything about this," Shaun admitted with a small sigh, "except for the part where we better understand what's going on with you. Maybe enough to improve the, um, other project."
Nolan squeezed Shaun's hand gently. He knew just how Shaun was feeling. For all that Nolan needed to do something, he wished there was another option. "At least it's unlikely we'll be successful for a while yet?" Not exactly a good thing, but at least it gave him some time to prepare himself. As much as he could.
Shaun's fingers tightened in response, warm and reassuring. Accepting and supporting each other was part of his promises of forever. There wasn't even a question in Shaun's mind. He side-stepped closer, tucking his free hand under Nolan's arm and giving it a little squeeze. They could be closer for a block or so, that way. "What do you need from me?"
How did Shaun always know just what to ask? Nolan pressed Shaun's hand to his side with his elbow as he gave him a thankful smile. "I need you to not be there," he replied honestly. "I know I'm being - vain, and proud, but if I can ever help you seeing me seize, I want to." Now, he had no idea whether Shaun would have wanted to be, and for all that he had just called himself proud, it was the last thing Nolan felt as he confessed to it.
How could something both sting so sharp, and feel like such a relief at the same time? Shaun never wanted to see Nolan that way, of course, but neither did he want to hide away from the troubling parts of loving someone. He couldn't imagine the horror of watching it, but imagining Nolan alone, or left without someone who loved him as comfort, seemed almost as awful. "You have every right to ask that," he said eventually, and meant it. "But, you know, if it ever does happen... that doesn't change anything between us, okay?"
"I know that," Nolan confirmed, and smiled, dryly, as he added, "intellectually. But it's not about you, it's about - my self-image." Nolan hoped that Shaun could understand that. This really wasn't about Nolan's faith in them, in Shaun's love for him, but he could see how someone might read it that way.
Shaun nodded faintly, bumping his shoulder lightly against Nolan’s side as they walked. Physical contact was the one thing that reassured Shaun most, but strolling along the nighttime city streets meant his opportunities were limited. “I understand. You’re the only one who gets to make decisions about who gets to look at you when you’re... vulnerable.” It seemed an inadequate word to describe how Nolan must feel during a seizure, but it was the only one he could bring himself to say.
“But if you want soup and blankets and naps and cuddles afterward, you can call on me and I’ll drop everything,” said Shaun firmly.
"Naps and cuddles will be very, very welcome," Nolan assured Shaun on his usual warm-dry tone. He didn't want to shut Shaun out entirely. It was really the seizure itself, when he lost control over his own body, that left him with a deep sense of shame he could not shake, and that Shaun's presence would only compound.
"Cuddling is one of my top five talents," said Shaun with absolute confidence. "I'm a master. I trained on top of mountains and everything." It didn't really feel right to make a joke, or to make light of the situation at all, but what else could he do? His love and his care was all the more he could offer, until he got the blasted suppression technology working.
"Was that in a temple of the ancient order of the cuddlers?" Nolan asked, his voice dry, but grateful for Shaun all the same. If they could joke, then they were all right.
"The Snuggleopolis," Shaun answered, glancing slyly alongside at Nolan. Making his boyfriend laugh was one of the most pure joys of Shaun's life.
Nolan winced, as if the terribleness of the joke was actually painful, and looked at Shaun as he shook his head in disapproval. "No, no. That's... too terrible." But amusement was shining in his eyes.
"Ssssooo... I shouldn't mention that it's located in the Cuddleapagous Islands?" Shaun asked leadingly, unable to quell his grin.
Nolan couldn't hold back the short chuckle at that, and frowned at Shaun pleadingly, despite the smile ticking up his lips. "Please stop."
Shaun's smile grew broad and bright even in the dim of the nighttime city street. "I am really, really lucky that you love me. And you are really lucky that I love you, because I could go on. But I won't. For you, and your continued health."
"You do love me," Nolan confirmed, amused, as if that was the proof he had needed to believe it. He grew quiet for a beat, then told Shaun, simply, as he cast him a look that spoke of the entirety of his love for him, "Thank you."
He didn't mean about stopping there.
As they paused at a corner to wait for the crosswalk light to change, Shaun could take a moment to look Nolan in the eyes, his smile small but warm and heartfelt. "I'd do anything for you. Or not do, if that's what you need."
"I hope you know that it's true the other way around, too," Nolan said, after an instant's hesitation. "It feels like it's all been about me and my - situation. But I'd do anything for you, too." It was a little terrifying, and humbling, how much Nolan meant it.
"I know." Shaun leaned in to kiss Nolan's cheek, just a soft, short brush. Nothing more than that in public, of course, but he did linger just long enough to add, close to Nolan's ear, "I've got a few ideas of what you can do for me this evening."
"I would ask you to be more specific," Nolan remarked, wondering yet again how Shaun could turn him on so easily, with just a few words, even in the wake of such a conversation. "But show is so much better than tell."
The light went green, and Nolan drew him along across the street.
Nolan liked his privacy, but never to the point that he had ever balked from going out with Shaun in public. Whether at a party or on a date, he displayed the same level of quiet affection. Small touches and looks that said it all, really; the fact that they were together had been all over the parts of the internet interested in who Nolan Ross was dating for months now.
The evening had gone well, with drinks at an upscale alcohol-free bar Nolan had chosen, then a meal at a small, delicious restaurant Shaun had, and they were now walking back to Nolan's apartment. The weather had gone warmer, the sky was clear, and there was a special joy in walking hand in hand with Shaun at night, both of them dressed to the nines for each other's benefit. Nolan was in a pale green paisley jacket and matching darker tie, with black pants and shirt allowing the jacket and tie to truly shine. Nolan was looking forward to Shaun getting his hands on that tie, but he was also enjoying this moment very much.
But not so much that he wasn't going to risk shattering the moment, and possibly killing the mood for the rest of the evening. If only because he had to bring this up at some point. It would have been too easy for anyone to eavesdrop at either the bar or the restaurant, but the street was less of a risk in the smaller crowds of the evening.
"I've been meaning to talk to you about something," Nolan started, glancing at his boyfriend. Shaun's refusal to move in together was still recent, and so Nolan immediately went on, for fear that Shaun might think those fated words (so close to we need to talk) might have to do with that. "Regarding my sessions, with the Professor."
Shaun adored going out with Nolan, and adored looking glorious when he did, both for Nolan's benefit and to inspire envy in everyone who saw them together. He'd recently invested in a cobalt blue suit which he paired with a shirt in a muted pink and gray pattern, so that his blue topaz cufflinks could truly glow. Rather than a tie, he opted for an open collar and a few layers of jewelry, including the rose gold linked-ring necklace among others of his own design. The two of them didn't exactly coordinate, but they didn't exactly clash, either. Maybe together they looked a bit like an Easter basket, ready for spring.
With his free hand, Shaun swept his loose hair back away from his face, since the night breezes liked to pick it up and toy with it, and it almost inevitably landed in his eyes. He tilted his head, thoughtful, when Nolan spoke up. "You wanted to talk to me about that? Everything I know about, um, what he does could fit in a thimble." Shaun squeezed Nolan's hand quickly. "But your mind is vastly important to me. What's going on?"
"I promise I'll stick to layman's terms," Nolan replied dryly, a gentle bit of snark before coming back to the task at hand. "Professor Xavier thinks - and I agree - that we might have been going at it the wrong way. Trying to prepare me to handle visions when they come." His voice dropped a little as he said the latter, despite the fact that no one seemed to be walking nearby. Well, someone was coming up from the opposite direction, and Nolan waited until the older couple had gone past them to keep going. "We thought, instead - maybe I can't learn how to keep them at bay until I learn to trigger them."
Though Shaun respected that Nolan wanted to keep their conversations as private as possible, he doubted very much that people paid attention to strangers' conversations on the streets. Their clasped hands and far-beyond-mundane wardrobes made them bigger targets than their words could have. Those words were troubling, though, even if no one else would understand. "Trigger them? That means... a seizure every time, right?" Shaun hated saying that, but it was the truth and it might as well be spoken. "That sounds... well, terrifying. And dangerous."
"Yes," Nolan confirmed, pushing his free hand into the pocket of his coat when the urge to fidget came over him. "Yes, both of those things. But it's also - a chance to do something. Take matters into my own hands, and try something that might yield positive results in the long run. We don't know when Simon and you might be able to ascertain whether the tech is safe." Through no fault of their own, of course; Nolan knew that Shaun was giving it his all (too much so, until recently), and he had no doubt about Simon's ethics either.
It was all too true that there was a giant gulf of difference between ‘functional’ and ‘safe.’ The suppression technology did exactly what it was supposed to do. What Shaun still didn’t know was if it would actually help. “I don’t ever want to be someone who argues against self-determination, but...”
This was Nolan’s mind, Nolan’s life, they were talking about. Shaun’s fingers caressed over the back of Nolan’s hand as much as he could without relaxing his hold. “What does the Professor... no, forget that. What do you think?”
Nolan was quiet for a moment, thinking about how best to put it. "It's been... eight months, and eighteen days, since my last seizure." He still didn't know if it had been a proper vision. "It was a relief, for a long time. But recently, it's... started to feel worse. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and drop hard. And I'm terrible at waiting, as we both know," he dryly finished, glancing at Shaun with a quick quirk of his lips. He sobered up immediately, and paused before adding, honestly, "I can't keep doing nothing and hoping it works out."
Shaun nodded as he listened, and didn't speak, wanting to know what Nolan truly thought and truly wanted. Only Nolan could make these decisions for himself, but mere days ago they had promised each other that their lives were entwined. In an odd way, Shaun's heart felt warm and full for knowing that Nolan wanted to talk with him about this. "You want to put both hands on the wheel of your own life. I get it. I'd probably feel the same way, if it were me." And Nolan would probably feel the same way Shaun did: apprehensive, worried, concerned for his health. He nibbled on his lower lip for a moment before asking, as gently as he could, "So, what... about the seizures? Does the Professor have some kind of plan?"
"I keep taking my meds, Simon keeps monitoring me," Nolan answered. His tone was a little subdued for knowing the fear that must be gripping Shaun's heart. "That's the added benefit, if I manage to learn to trigger them. Simon can monitor me as I'm having a seizure. Maybe we can learn more." Maybe. All they had were maybes, but at least maybes represented a chance.
Though he tried to control it, Shaun couldn't completed repress the shudder that tickled down his spine at the very idea of Nolan going through something so dangerous, painful, and vulnerable. He wanted to be there... and he didn't. "I kind of hate everything about this," Shaun admitted with a small sigh, "except for the part where we better understand what's going on with you. Maybe enough to improve the, um, other project."
Nolan squeezed Shaun's hand gently. He knew just how Shaun was feeling. For all that Nolan needed to do something, he wished there was another option. "At least it's unlikely we'll be successful for a while yet?" Not exactly a good thing, but at least it gave him some time to prepare himself. As much as he could.
Shaun's fingers tightened in response, warm and reassuring. Accepting and supporting each other was part of his promises of forever. There wasn't even a question in Shaun's mind. He side-stepped closer, tucking his free hand under Nolan's arm and giving it a little squeeze. They could be closer for a block or so, that way. "What do you need from me?"
How did Shaun always know just what to ask? Nolan pressed Shaun's hand to his side with his elbow as he gave him a thankful smile. "I need you to not be there," he replied honestly. "I know I'm being - vain, and proud, but if I can ever help you seeing me seize, I want to." Now, he had no idea whether Shaun would have wanted to be, and for all that he had just called himself proud, it was the last thing Nolan felt as he confessed to it.
How could something both sting so sharp, and feel like such a relief at the same time? Shaun never wanted to see Nolan that way, of course, but neither did he want to hide away from the troubling parts of loving someone. He couldn't imagine the horror of watching it, but imagining Nolan alone, or left without someone who loved him as comfort, seemed almost as awful. "You have every right to ask that," he said eventually, and meant it. "But, you know, if it ever does happen... that doesn't change anything between us, okay?"
"I know that," Nolan confirmed, and smiled, dryly, as he added, "intellectually. But it's not about you, it's about - my self-image." Nolan hoped that Shaun could understand that. This really wasn't about Nolan's faith in them, in Shaun's love for him, but he could see how someone might read it that way.
Shaun nodded faintly, bumping his shoulder lightly against Nolan’s side as they walked. Physical contact was the one thing that reassured Shaun most, but strolling along the nighttime city streets meant his opportunities were limited. “I understand. You’re the only one who gets to make decisions about who gets to look at you when you’re... vulnerable.” It seemed an inadequate word to describe how Nolan must feel during a seizure, but it was the only one he could bring himself to say.
“But if you want soup and blankets and naps and cuddles afterward, you can call on me and I’ll drop everything,” said Shaun firmly.
"Naps and cuddles will be very, very welcome," Nolan assured Shaun on his usual warm-dry tone. He didn't want to shut Shaun out entirely. It was really the seizure itself, when he lost control over his own body, that left him with a deep sense of shame he could not shake, and that Shaun's presence would only compound.
"Cuddling is one of my top five talents," said Shaun with absolute confidence. "I'm a master. I trained on top of mountains and everything." It didn't really feel right to make a joke, or to make light of the situation at all, but what else could he do? His love and his care was all the more he could offer, until he got the blasted suppression technology working.
"Was that in a temple of the ancient order of the cuddlers?" Nolan asked, his voice dry, but grateful for Shaun all the same. If they could joke, then they were all right.
"The Snuggleopolis," Shaun answered, glancing slyly alongside at Nolan. Making his boyfriend laugh was one of the most pure joys of Shaun's life.
Nolan winced, as if the terribleness of the joke was actually painful, and looked at Shaun as he shook his head in disapproval. "No, no. That's... too terrible." But amusement was shining in his eyes.
"Ssssooo... I shouldn't mention that it's located in the Cuddleapagous Islands?" Shaun asked leadingly, unable to quell his grin.
Nolan couldn't hold back the short chuckle at that, and frowned at Shaun pleadingly, despite the smile ticking up his lips. "Please stop."
Shaun's smile grew broad and bright even in the dim of the nighttime city street. "I am really, really lucky that you love me. And you are really lucky that I love you, because I could go on. But I won't. For you, and your continued health."
"You do love me," Nolan confirmed, amused, as if that was the proof he had needed to believe it. He grew quiet for a beat, then told Shaun, simply, as he cast him a look that spoke of the entirety of his love for him, "Thank you."
He didn't mean about stopping there.
As they paused at a corner to wait for the crosswalk light to change, Shaun could take a moment to look Nolan in the eyes, his smile small but warm and heartfelt. "I'd do anything for you. Or not do, if that's what you need."
"I hope you know that it's true the other way around, too," Nolan said, after an instant's hesitation. "It feels like it's all been about me and my - situation. But I'd do anything for you, too." It was a little terrifying, and humbling, how much Nolan meant it.
"I know." Shaun leaned in to kiss Nolan's cheek, just a soft, short brush. Nothing more than that in public, of course, but he did linger just long enough to add, close to Nolan's ear, "I've got a few ideas of what you can do for me this evening."
"I would ask you to be more specific," Nolan remarked, wondering yet again how Shaun could turn him on so easily, with just a few words, even in the wake of such a conversation. "But show is so much better than tell."
The light went green, and Nolan drew him along across the street.
