ax_main | Nick and Shen, backdated to 5/6/18

Shen comes to check in on Nick since she's noticed he's been a bit... reclusive lately.

Shen had managed to miss Nick again, at the end of classes. She'd been meaning to check in with him, since he seemed to have gone back to hermiting with a vengeance. So here she was, outside his dorm room, knocking and hoping he was in. "It's Shen!" she called through the door hopefully.

He came to the door, after turning his computer screen off. His room was darkened slightly, and the entire place had kind of a foul mood about it. Nick wasn't unkempt; he wasn't nearly as bad as the time when he'd lost his parents. But he was clearly glum, droopy and quiet. "Hey," he said. God, his heart hurt. She was going to ask questions, and Nick didn't want to start anything between anybody. So he'd try his best. "What's up?" he asked, gesturing for her to come in as he stepped back.

"Just checking in," Shen replied honestly as she walked in, taking in the state of the room. "I've barely seen you around lately."

"Yeah, I've been, um..." Busy? He didn't want to lie. He'd been the opposite of busy. "Kinda... down, I guess," Nick said, shrugging. His room was in disarray, but nothing had been tossed about or anything like that. He'd just... not been picking up. Which was out of character for him, since he'd been cleanly ever since starting to date Lil.

She turned back to him, wings tucked in close. "You wanna talk about it?"

Anxiously, he raked his fingers through his hair, feeling his claws brush his flesh beneath his hair and fur. Fur. Because he was hairy, and ... no, he couldn't get into that. That wasn't why. She'd been clear about that. "I, uh," Nick fidgeted with his sleeve, then, thinking about it. "Kind of? I just. I don't wanna... y'know. Make people... think differently about... other people, I guess." He sighed. "Just... things are fucked." And yeah, Nick was apparently swearing now. Because dammit, he was angry, and that anger had to manifest somehow.

Shen could understand that. She thought it was a sweet sentiment. She also wasn't sure whether that meant it wasn't about Lil (she already didn't like her, after all), or whether he was worried that she might grow to dislike her even more. "Yeah, they have a way of doing that. And I get not wanting to influence people's opinions. But it kinda sounds like you need to talk about it. If you haven't yet."

"I haven't," he confessed. "It's... I fucked up. Lil and I are... uh... just friends, now. And I ... it was my fault. So I'm mad at myself. And I'm mad at the situation. And like, I don't.... It's just, y'know. Now I don't know what to do."

"It was your fault," Shen echoed. She hoped it really was, and it wasn't another case of Lil flying off at someone for next to no reason. Nick didn't deserve to feel more guilt than necessary. But at least it was probably a lot less likely to happen with Nick than with, say, Warren, Jean-Paul and Simon. "You wanna take a seat and tell me about it?"

He sighed and took a seat. "I, um... yeah," he said, weakly. "Things were going really well. And, y'know, we were... snuggling and making out, sorta," he said. "And... I kinda... suggested we do more than that," he said. "And she didn't want to. It... apparently it kinda freaked her out, me asking? And I probably just didn't drop it fast enough, but I was trying to figure out what... what went wrong, why she wasn't... why she wasn't interested in me. Like that. Or whatever. I just..." He frowned deeply. "I'm terrible." He felt terrible.

Oh, shit. That was - yeah. That was his fault. Shen had taken a seat on the side of his bed, so she could face him, wings dropping off the side. "You're not terrible. You... reacted like a guy. You're a guy. You were raised in our stupid society. You weren't great, but you're not terrible. As long as you learn from it."

The hell had he learned, anyway? Don't ask anyone for intimacy? "Yeah. I mean... I know I fucked up." So what the hell he was he going to do in the meantime? "I'm just glad we're still friends," he admitted. Which was true, because he valued her as a friend. It just... was kind of weird now.

Shen figured she was still missing a piece of the puzzle; why would that be enough for Lil to break things off completely? There were two possible answers that came readily to mind, and she didn't want to consider one of them, because - shit. She didn't want to think that of Nick, really. "That means you probably didn't fuck up too badly?" she offered.

"I hope?" Nick said, honestly. "It's just... I'm so fucking angry," he grumbled. "I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at the situation. She doesn't deserve it but I'm angry at her, too, and I'm trying not to be, but I can't help it," he said, frankly. "I just, I can't not be mad. I've been trying to just take it out on video games but it isn't helping."

"Yeah, she really doesn't deserve it," Shen confirmed a little flatly, because - seriously. Ugh. That deep-seated belief that women owed men sex was just the worst. Case in point. "You talked about it with Samson?"

"No," Nick said, sheepishly. "I dunno if I will. It's not... it's not about my parents. It doesn't feel... as bad," he said. "She's still alive. She's still here. And I care about her, and so that's... that's enough for me, y'know? But..." He sighed. "I'm sixteen. I wanna, y'know. Be... a teenager." He waved a hand, vaguely. "She helped me come out of my shell. She was here for me when I was at rock bottom. And I just... wanted to take things further than she wanted. And I'm pissed at myself for it. There's no two ways about it. I fucked up, I fucked up bad, and.. I'm worried I'm gonna be 'that' kid now."

"Don't be pissed at yourself for wanting to take things further than her," Shen replied, first and foremost. Shit, there was so much to unpack there. He really should talk to someone about it all, and she didn't mean another student. "Be pissed at yourself for not dropping it when she told you to." It was an important distinction. Shen was a big believer in sex positivity. She paused, then asked, "What 'that' kid are we talking about?"

"Like, I just wanted to... touch her, y'know? Like, I wanted to explore... us. All we'd done was just make out and cuddle and all that good stuff but I just..." He put his head in his hands. "I just got carried away. I fucked up. I fucked up big time."

"Yeah, you did," Shen confirmed evenly. It really didn't answer her question - or maybe it did.

"I didn't even really get to say what I wanted," he said. "I didn't... I just wanted to... make her feel good. I wasn't going to try to get her to do anything she didn't want. I was just... saying what I wanted." He rubbed his eyes with the back of his wrist. Dammit, he was done crying, he told himself that much. Crying had been over and done with.

"You were just - putting pressure on her," Shen pointed out. She didn't say so meanly, but she figured it was in everyone's interest for him to own up to it. Wrap his mind around what he had done, rather than his perception of what he had been doing.

He scratched the side of his head. "I... I didn't mean to," he said, feeling guilty about it.

"You still did," Shen replied softly. She was no professional, but she figured admitting that without making excuses for his behavior was step 1? It felt like it should be, anyway.

"I know," Nick said, again. "It just... doesn't make me any less angry. I'm furious with myself," he said, plainly. "And now I have to worry that she's the only girl in the world who'll look past what I look like."

"Well, that's bullshit," Shen said bluntly. "I know you think she walks on water, but she's not that unique that no one else can ever love you." It was also really not the point, but it had to be said.

He sighed. "Yeah, okay," he admitted. "I just... don't know what to do now. Do I give her space? Do I... act like this never happened?"

"No," Shen said firmly. "Definitely not pretending it never happened. I still think you should talk to Samson about it, by the way. Deconstructing gender conditioning is easier to do with help. If he's even, you know. Able to help you do that." Not all therapists were feminists. If only. "But with Lil - I guess you let her decide how much space she wants? I don't mean go radio silence until she reaches out, just - be there, and reach out, but take no for an answer," this time, "if that's what she needs. Let her call the shots."

"That... yeah," Nick said, scratching the side of his head. "That's probably for the best. I... Thanks. I didn't really mean to unload on you. At all," he said, truthfully. "But thanks for, y'know. Getting me to talk. Being here. All that."

"Any time," Shen told him with a small smile, reaching out to lay a hand on his shoulder, squeeze it. "You fucked up, but as long as you own up to it, you'll be okay."

"Yeah," he agreed, nodding. Jesus, this... entire thing was just fucked, and he hated it.

Shen gave him a small smile, and squeezed his shoulder again. "You wanna hug?"

"I won't turn one down," he said, smiling just a little.

It would be way too impractical to give him a hug on the bed, because of her wings, so Shen stood up, gesturing for him to join her for that hug.

Right, wings. He stood, and opened his arms for her. He was... reluctant to so much as initiate physical contact himself, at this point. He just didn't want to upset anyone.

Shen stepped into his arms, and wrapped her own around his shoulders, wings shifting as if wanting in on the action. She held him tight in silence for a few seconds, before saying, still hugging him, "It's gonna be okay, you know." He wasn't the first to fuck up this way (or worse), and he sadly wouldn't be the last. But he was a good guy, and he felt like shit. He would learn.

The hug was nice, and he gave her a small pat on her back in appreciation. "Yeah. I got... other things to focus on." Like getting into X-Force. Getting stronger. Training. School. Stuff like that. He'd send Lil the occasional text to check in. See if she wanted to talk more, about anything. And if she didn't, then she didn't. Letting go... was hard. But he could do it. He'd been through worse. Much, much worse. He'd come out stronger by leaning on those who could help him. He'd do the same, here. Live, and learn, as they say.

Shen wasn't sure what he meant by that, and how much he'd heard the bits about him needing to do some work so this didn't happen again. But for once, she didn't press the point. They could talk about it again later, once all this wasn't so fresh for him. So raw. "You want to beat my ass at some video game?" she offered, for now, after giving him one last squeeze and stepping back from the hug. "Disclaimer, I still suck."

"If you want," Nick said. "It's... really no big deal if you've got somewhere to be." She'd given him more than enough of her time.

"I offered," Shen pointed out with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah, okay, fair," he said, feeling awkward yet again. Jesus, was he just going to be terrible with interacting with anyone from here on out? "I'll find something we can play, y'know, co-op. It's more fun that way."

"Sure," Shen agreed with a small smile.