Lil and Nick - April 26
Apr. 26th, 2018 10:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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ax_mainLil and Nick talk abut what happened the last time they were together, but find the territory is too difficult for a couple of kids to navigate.
It had been four miserable days for Lil. She kept to her room when she wasn’t in classes, going over that last time with Nick, getting angry with him as she tried to sort out what had gone wrong and then, inevitably, getting angrier with herself. Because he’d said one thing. It was so frigging stupid to let one comment drive her off, but then she’d learned it was stupid to give guys another chance. That this guy was Nick... well, that was why this was all so hard.
He wasn’t other guys (of course he was). He’d been there for her since she’d first arrived (but as a friend, not a boyfriend). He’d been understanding with her limits (until that night) and backed off as soon as he realized something was wrong (except with his words). He was Nick, and she cared for him more than anyone in the school (which made that night even worse). And he didn’t know her history (and shouldn’t have to).
Back and forth, around and around. Nick’s wonderful, Nick’s horrible, and somehow it always landed in that same place – Lil had fucked up, whether by running out on him or by being screwed up in the first place. But that didn’t feel right either.
Finally, she’d run enough laps in her head that she understood she wasn’t going to get any further on her own. Lil needed to talk to Nick. Whatever was going to happen between the two of them, she wasn’t going to ghost him like Nolan had done to her. So she went to his room, held her breath, and knocked on his door.
Nick had practically lunged at the door, heedless of leaving a game on his computer running. Whatever, that didn't matter. If this was Lil, he wanted to see her. Badly.
He opened the door, looking disheveled and his room a bit of a mess behind him. "Hey," he said, blinking in astonishment at seeing her.
"Hey," Lil repeated. She managed a bit of a smile and was surprised that she wanted to reach out and pull him into a hug (of course she did, this was Nick). But she stayed in the doorway instead. "Mind if we do the talk thing now?"
"I'm free," Nick said, by way of means of offering. "I've... yeah. Let's." He didn't want to talk. He wanted to talk. Jesus, this was tearing him up inside, not knowing how the hell to handle any of this.
Lil nodded and stepped inside, taking a care to step around some clutter that hand landed on the floor on her way to the extra bed. This was Nick in trouble her heart told her, his mood reflected in the state of his room just like it had been after his parents died, but she had to remind herself that this wasn’t anything so bad as that. This was just a breakup.
Oh fuck, was it? She sat down and folded her hands on her lap. “I’m sorry,” she said, but it was more for that stray thought that was now taking hold then anything else.
"No, I'm sorry," Nick said. "I shouldn't have... I should've stopped. I'm sorry. I just..." He sighed. "I'm sorry." No excuses. He'd been wrong. Clearly, otherwise this wouldn't have happened. It was his fault.
Where was he supposed to sit? Stand? He didn't know, so he just... he just stood near the door, for a bit, awkwardly, before getting back into his desk chair.
“You did stop, Nick. You backed right off.” And here was the tricky part because Lil’s impulse was to try to make Nick feel better. She’d tried to do that for weeks after his parents died, and the pattern of it was too familiar, too easy to grab hold to when she needed to make sure she didn’t short herself. “It’s what you said that freaked me out, I guess.”
"I'm sorry," he said, again, because he didn't know what else to say. He'd been going over that night again and again in his head. He shouldn't have brought it up in the first place, probably. It had always been at her pace. That had been established. Why did he try to rush her? He felt awful for it.
It wasn't what she wanted to hear. He'd apologized a bunch of times since she'd come in, but it wasn't what she wanted to hear at all. The problem: Lil didn't know what he was supposed to say to make her feel better. She bit her lip to try and fend off tears.
"I know, and I don't think you're awful or anything for what happened, Nick, I just don't know how to get it out of my head. I got shit up here," she tapped the side of her head, "telling me to be scared. I can't get it to shut up."
"What, uh..." Nick looked at her helplessly. "What can I do to help?" he asked. He felt, well... the absolute worst. He'd hurt her, without even meaning to, somehow.
Lil shrugged, keeping her gaze on her hands. “I dunno. It’s not about you; it’s to do with stuff that happened before I got here and like, not even a lot of it or the worst... just a few guys who got too touchy.” She spread her hands and gave Nick a weak smile. “I mean, it’s me, so it’s not like I didn’t kick the shit out of ‘em for it, but still... I don’t think you can do anything.”
"So what... what do we do?" Nick asked, weakly, feeling like this was all falling away from him. And there wasn't a damn thing he could do, was there?
If he could just stop asking her and start having some fucking answers of his own... Not fair, but for a moment Lil didn’t care. It had been on her to say no, to walk away, and now it was on her to give him answers too. Why did she have to be the fucking centre of this when he was the one who’d made the comment?
Not fair. Or maybe it was. And the fact that she couldn’t tell was the worst. Who was at fault? Who had to fix this, and how?
She didn’t know any of the answers and neither did Nick. “Be friends?”
"That..." It meant more than the statement, he knew. No more... being super intimate. No more... lots of things he'd miss. But it was either lose those or lose Lil altogether, he figured. Maybe she'd come around. Maybe she wouldn't. She'd mentioned liking girls before, and, well, that just... seemed like maybe that was the path she was on now? He didn't know. "I mean... I can do that," he said, wondering if he really could.
It just hurt that he was feeling like this was because he'd been... well, bad, in some way. He didn't know what he'd done wrong, other than just, well, ask for something other than makeouts. "I can do that," he said, again, trying to convince himself just as much as her.
Lil nodded, tears still right there waiting to come. Yeah, she wanted him to say a whole lot more. This felt... it wasn’t enough. “Okay. Friends is good. We’ll go back to what we doing before all the dating stuff and see how that goes?”
"Yeah." Better to.. not lose her entirely, he guessed. He felt... well, he felt crushed, really. Jesus. What the fuck was he going to do? Who the hell else would date someone who looked like him?
She sat there for another few moments, waiting for him to say more before deciding that maybe she didn’t want to hear it. It would be another sorry, or another empty question, and she’d have to talk again to fill up all the spaces in the conversation knowing that it wasn’t going to lead anywhere. This was what happened with guys: they took. Whether it was a touch or just her words, they took and gave nothing back. Even the best of them. Even Nick.
“I’m gonna go then. Come by if you need to talk more, right?” Please? “Like, if there’s stuff you need to know or sort out. You know what room is mine.”
"I. I will," he said. "And... same to you, yeah?" he offered, giving another weak smile. This entire thing was just fucked, in his head. It was so hard to sort out both what had happened, what had gone wrong, where he'd gone wrong, so forth and so on.
“Sure. I mean, of course.” But she needed to go before she started crying. She stood and crossed to the door, trying to think of one more thing to say that might get what she needed out of Nick, but she didn’t have a fucking clue what it was she needed. Something to make her feel less like she had when she’d left his room a few night ago. There had to be words to ask for that?
Lil waved. “Bye.” A pause. Then she stepped out and closed the door behind her.
It had been four miserable days for Lil. She kept to her room when she wasn’t in classes, going over that last time with Nick, getting angry with him as she tried to sort out what had gone wrong and then, inevitably, getting angrier with herself. Because he’d said one thing. It was so frigging stupid to let one comment drive her off, but then she’d learned it was stupid to give guys another chance. That this guy was Nick... well, that was why this was all so hard.
He wasn’t other guys (of course he was). He’d been there for her since she’d first arrived (but as a friend, not a boyfriend). He’d been understanding with her limits (until that night) and backed off as soon as he realized something was wrong (except with his words). He was Nick, and she cared for him more than anyone in the school (which made that night even worse). And he didn’t know her history (and shouldn’t have to).
Back and forth, around and around. Nick’s wonderful, Nick’s horrible, and somehow it always landed in that same place – Lil had fucked up, whether by running out on him or by being screwed up in the first place. But that didn’t feel right either.
Finally, she’d run enough laps in her head that she understood she wasn’t going to get any further on her own. Lil needed to talk to Nick. Whatever was going to happen between the two of them, she wasn’t going to ghost him like Nolan had done to her. So she went to his room, held her breath, and knocked on his door.
Nick had practically lunged at the door, heedless of leaving a game on his computer running. Whatever, that didn't matter. If this was Lil, he wanted to see her. Badly.
He opened the door, looking disheveled and his room a bit of a mess behind him. "Hey," he said, blinking in astonishment at seeing her.
"Hey," Lil repeated. She managed a bit of a smile and was surprised that she wanted to reach out and pull him into a hug (of course she did, this was Nick). But she stayed in the doorway instead. "Mind if we do the talk thing now?"
"I'm free," Nick said, by way of means of offering. "I've... yeah. Let's." He didn't want to talk. He wanted to talk. Jesus, this was tearing him up inside, not knowing how the hell to handle any of this.
Lil nodded and stepped inside, taking a care to step around some clutter that hand landed on the floor on her way to the extra bed. This was Nick in trouble her heart told her, his mood reflected in the state of his room just like it had been after his parents died, but she had to remind herself that this wasn’t anything so bad as that. This was just a breakup.
Oh fuck, was it? She sat down and folded her hands on her lap. “I’m sorry,” she said, but it was more for that stray thought that was now taking hold then anything else.
"No, I'm sorry," Nick said. "I shouldn't have... I should've stopped. I'm sorry. I just..." He sighed. "I'm sorry." No excuses. He'd been wrong. Clearly, otherwise this wouldn't have happened. It was his fault.
Where was he supposed to sit? Stand? He didn't know, so he just... he just stood near the door, for a bit, awkwardly, before getting back into his desk chair.
“You did stop, Nick. You backed right off.” And here was the tricky part because Lil’s impulse was to try to make Nick feel better. She’d tried to do that for weeks after his parents died, and the pattern of it was too familiar, too easy to grab hold to when she needed to make sure she didn’t short herself. “It’s what you said that freaked me out, I guess.”
"I'm sorry," he said, again, because he didn't know what else to say. He'd been going over that night again and again in his head. He shouldn't have brought it up in the first place, probably. It had always been at her pace. That had been established. Why did he try to rush her? He felt awful for it.
It wasn't what she wanted to hear. He'd apologized a bunch of times since she'd come in, but it wasn't what she wanted to hear at all. The problem: Lil didn't know what he was supposed to say to make her feel better. She bit her lip to try and fend off tears.
"I know, and I don't think you're awful or anything for what happened, Nick, I just don't know how to get it out of my head. I got shit up here," she tapped the side of her head, "telling me to be scared. I can't get it to shut up."
"What, uh..." Nick looked at her helplessly. "What can I do to help?" he asked. He felt, well... the absolute worst. He'd hurt her, without even meaning to, somehow.
Lil shrugged, keeping her gaze on her hands. “I dunno. It’s not about you; it’s to do with stuff that happened before I got here and like, not even a lot of it or the worst... just a few guys who got too touchy.” She spread her hands and gave Nick a weak smile. “I mean, it’s me, so it’s not like I didn’t kick the shit out of ‘em for it, but still... I don’t think you can do anything.”
"So what... what do we do?" Nick asked, weakly, feeling like this was all falling away from him. And there wasn't a damn thing he could do, was there?
If he could just stop asking her and start having some fucking answers of his own... Not fair, but for a moment Lil didn’t care. It had been on her to say no, to walk away, and now it was on her to give him answers too. Why did she have to be the fucking centre of this when he was the one who’d made the comment?
Not fair. Or maybe it was. And the fact that she couldn’t tell was the worst. Who was at fault? Who had to fix this, and how?
She didn’t know any of the answers and neither did Nick. “Be friends?”
"That..." It meant more than the statement, he knew. No more... being super intimate. No more... lots of things he'd miss. But it was either lose those or lose Lil altogether, he figured. Maybe she'd come around. Maybe she wouldn't. She'd mentioned liking girls before, and, well, that just... seemed like maybe that was the path she was on now? He didn't know. "I mean... I can do that," he said, wondering if he really could.
It just hurt that he was feeling like this was because he'd been... well, bad, in some way. He didn't know what he'd done wrong, other than just, well, ask for something other than makeouts. "I can do that," he said, again, trying to convince himself just as much as her.
Lil nodded, tears still right there waiting to come. Yeah, she wanted him to say a whole lot more. This felt... it wasn’t enough. “Okay. Friends is good. We’ll go back to what we doing before all the dating stuff and see how that goes?”
"Yeah." Better to.. not lose her entirely, he guessed. He felt... well, he felt crushed, really. Jesus. What the fuck was he going to do? Who the hell else would date someone who looked like him?
She sat there for another few moments, waiting for him to say more before deciding that maybe she didn’t want to hear it. It would be another sorry, or another empty question, and she’d have to talk again to fill up all the spaces in the conversation knowing that it wasn’t going to lead anywhere. This was what happened with guys: they took. Whether it was a touch or just her words, they took and gave nothing back. Even the best of them. Even Nick.
“I’m gonna go then. Come by if you need to talk more, right?” Please? “Like, if there’s stuff you need to know or sort out. You know what room is mine.”
"I. I will," he said. "And... same to you, yeah?" he offered, giving another weak smile. This entire thing was just fucked, in his head. It was so hard to sort out both what had happened, what had gone wrong, where he'd gone wrong, so forth and so on.
“Sure. I mean, of course.” But she needed to go before she started crying. She stood and crossed to the door, trying to think of one more thing to say that might get what she needed out of Nick, but she didn’t have a fucking clue what it was she needed. Something to make her feel less like she had when she’d left his room a few night ago. There had to be words to ask for that?
Lil waved. “Bye.” A pause. Then she stepped out and closed the door behind her.
