ax_main | Lil and Nick

Lil tells Nick about her career plans and things start out well, but come crashing down when Nick makes a request.

It had seemed so easy when Lil was talking with Teddy. He was going to be heading off into space at some point and needed a friend out there to protect him. Who was better for that job than the unbreakeable Lil? Best friends do that sort of thing, right? Except for the fact that this whole plan meant leaving her other best friend behind at some point in the next few years. Whether they were still dating or not, Lil considered their relationship a forever thing, and the thought that she'd be leaving Nick... it hurt.

God, how did she get herself into these situations?

Lil tapped on Nick's door, then pushed it open. "Hey!"

"Hey," Nick said, brightly, swiveling around in his chair. He was at his computer, an anime stream paused on it. "What's up?" he asked. She hadn't texted beforehand, so he figured something had come up out of the blue and it was just easier for her to come and say hi rather than type out on a phone.

"Something sort of big," Lil admitted. She desperately wanted to just drop into his lap, but that would probably be the end of his chair, so instead she grabbed the chair from the other desk and pulled it over. Wouldn't be fair to spring this crap on him while she was all all snuggled into him anyway. "Like, super big."

"O-ok," Nick said, suddenly just a bit anxious. "What's up?" he asked again.

Lil took a deep breath. "Okay, it's nothing soon. This is gonna happen a few years in the future or something, but when Teddy goes off to do his whole Prince of Space thing, I'm gonna go with him."

Even with 'a few years' on it, it felt like a punch in the gut. "I-I mean... isn't that... I mean, I know Teddy needs... all the help he can get, but..." He fidgeted with his hands, something he often did when he wasn't sure how to articulate his feelings. "I thought, I dunno, maybe..." He scratched the side of his face. "This wasn't the conversation I was expecting."

"Yeah, I'm sorry." Lil dropped her gaze to her lap because damn it, she couldn't look Nick in the eyes right now. "I didn't know I was gonna offer to go with him; it sort of just happened."

"Just... I'd... I'd wanna go with you. Just, I know that... we help each other be better," he said. "And I wouldn't want you to just run off and get into trouble. I wouldn't be able to sleep. I wouldn't be able to eat. M-maybe by then I'd be less anxious about it, but... I don't think I'm ever gonna be just okay with you running off into space, following Teddy or otherwise..."

Lil bit her lip, because things were getting a little unsteady. Would he really drop everything here to follow her? "That's a big deal, Nick. I can go because there's nowhere I fit here, right? But you're smart, you can do things... "

"The only reason I fit here is 'cause you fit here," Nick said, flatly. "I... I love you, Lil. You've always been there for me. I always wanna be there for you. If that means standing with Teddy when he goes to space to do his alien prince thing, then... that's what that means."

Oh fuck, tears. Lil choked back a sob before jumping up to wrap her arms around Nick. God, this was what she'd offered Teddy, but she hadn't expected anyone, even Nick, to offer it to her.

"Nick, I love you too. And it's big love stuff, like even if the dating thing doesn't work, I'm not gonna stop. I'm always gonna be right beside you."

"Yeah," he said, looking at his knees. "I've been..." He sighed. "I've kinda wanted to talk, too, y'know, just... now it feels... I dunno. Awkward or desperate or something or what, but... I really like being your boyfriend. You... the way you just... accept me as I am, it's... I've never felt like I can be natural with anyone but you."

The tears were still rolling down her face, but she didn't bother swiping them away. Instead she grabbed Nick's hands, and backed up his to his bed, pulling him along. "I was always returning the favour. I'm a fucking giant with a bad temper, and you just... you just let that go and let me be normal." She managed to wheel him to the edge of the bed and sat down so she could look him in the eyes as she talked. "So maybe we do the same thing for each other."

He reached up to wipe one of her tears away, gently, having let her guide him the whole way. "I just... I don't want to lose you," he said. "I don't want to be that far apart, not knowing you're okay. It'd... break me, I think..."

"You dork," Lil said softly and leaned over to rest her head on his shoulder. "It wouldn't break you. You've been through hell this year, and you didn't let any of it break you. No way I'd want to be your girlfriend if I thought you'd dry up and blow away because I wasn't around. But I'm really fucking glad you want to come with me."

"Yeah," he admitted, chuckling just a bit. "I know. I just... don't wanna be away from you. I mean, like... you're invulnerable, but you still gotta breathe, y'know? Space is scary like that..." He put a hand on the back of her head, stroking her hair.

She nodded into his shoulder. This setup was a bit uncomfortable but there was no way she was moving now. "I sorta worry about that. And about being alone out there. It's gonna be so weird."

"Who knows?" he chuckled. "Maybe we'll be the first Earthlings to kiss on an alien spaceship," he joked.

"Right, like Teddy and Billy won't have us beat."

"Point," Nick admitted, though he was happy he'd at least made the joke. "We're gonna be okay," Nick said. "We'll keep, y'know. Being us. Being together. Being friends. We'll just... y'know, go to space."

"Space. Nick, we're going to space." Lil said it softly, to relish the idea. "I wasn't supposed to do shit with my life, but I might be a bodyguard to an emperor. We might be."

"Yeah," he said, smiling a little. "I never thought... I mean, aliens, for one. But ... to know one? To know a prince alien?" So weird.

Lil nodded into his shoulder. "Yeah, but he’s Teddy first, right? And human first. He's ours, and I don't really give a fuck about the DNA shit and all."

"Yeah, what's a little DNA between friends?" Nick said, trying to lighten the mood a bit. The least he could do was be there for both of them. "It's gonna be okay."

She gave him a light kiss on his cheek – she’d long ago gotten used to the feel of his fur on her lips – and sat back. “Hearing you say that feels good, you know? I believe you when you say that kind of thing.”

He leaned back with her, cuddled up against her still. "I'm glad," he said, wishing he could feel completely that way himself. He let out a sigh. "You're the best," he said, simply.

Okay, he started it so Lil pulled him all the way over so that she was half lying on the bed with him on top of her. She grinned. “I really am, aren’t I? You got some lucky, pulling in a giant from Canada.”

"The luckiest," Nick confirmed, snuggling against her. Damn him and his teenage mind, but he couldn't help but find this positioning incredibly, uh... thought-provoking, to say the least. He'd been meaning to ask Lil a number of things, but he couldn't find the courage to really broach the subject of anything beyond the making out that they'd done before. Did that mean that he wasn't ready? That she wasn't? That they weren't? "Giant or not, you always smell nice," he said, nuzzling against her.

"And you always say that, like I'm putting on perfume and stuff." Her voice faded a little, because the nuzzling felt good. Kissing was always a little awkward with them, neeing a little more thought than it might with someone who wasn't Nick, but when his mouth was at her neck, it didn't matter. It was better than kissing.

"But it's true," he murmured into her neck. "You don't need perfume. You smell fine as is."

Oh, that felt even better. "You keep that up, Nick, and we're headed into make out territory."

"Sounds good to me," he murmured again, nuzzling against her neck and shoulder. "I was gonna ask if you wanted to stay the night."

The suggestion shouldn't have made her nervous, because she'd stayed the night before quite a few times. Usually in the other bed or if not, curled into Nick after they'd fallen asleep to a movie. But this had a different feel, mostly because of what they were doing when he asked.

"Like, just spend the night? Or have you got other ideas?"

"Only if you want there to be other ideas," Nick assured her, though his raging hormones desperately wanted to just say that he did and be open about it. Still, he was shy about this kind of thing, and he recognized the importance of her being up for it. He didn't want to pressure her into anything.

"I don't." It came out too fast, and sounded too harsh, but Lil couldn't help it. Not that her body wasn't at least a little interested, but the rest of her, all the brain bits, was definitely not on board for reasons she couldn't begin to sort at the moment. "Shit, I'm sorry. I just... I don't know. I don't know why, but I really don't."

"O-ok," Nick said, taken aback just a bit by the response. Would there ever be a yes? Part of him wondered if it was okay that he was thinking that, but it just made him think, well, that he wasn't... normal enough. "It's okay," he said, trying to reassure himself just as much as her. "I'm sorry. That was... probably out of nowhere. That was... kind of what I'd been wanting to talk about, I guess," he said, ashamed it had taken this stumbling block to be open about that.

Fuck, what a way to handle that. He hadn't done anything wrong; he'd just asked and she'd decided to freak out and now this was going to be all weird. Lil slid out from under Nick and sat up, putting a hand on her stomach as if that could somehow soothe the knot that had settled there.

"You don't need to apologize. You didn't do anything wrong, Nick. Honest."

Then why did it feel like he had? He sat up himself, letting her slide a bit away from him as he thought about how to approach it. "It's... I just, y'know. Like. Maybe if we talked about it, I'd ... understand?" he said, feeling like that wasn't the right word. "No, not... you don't need to explain like, where you're coming from. I'm sorry. I just... I have no idea... what... what I'm doing."

"I don't either!" Again, too sharp. Holy shit, could she calm down a bit? "Fuck, I'm lost too. You're the first guy I've really done anything more than a bit of kissing with, so you want to understand, but I don't get it. It just doesn't feel like something I want to do."

"Is..." He had to have faith in her. Faith in himself. It wasn't because of how he looked. It wasn't. And however long he'd have to tell himself that, he'd never accuse her of that. He knew that was his own problem, his own hangup. Just like... whatever this was. "Is it something you want to... I dunno, work on?" he asked. "You... you don't even have to do anything to me," he said, offering that much. "I just... I wanna touch you. I wanna... y'know... feel you." Jesus, this was so hard to talk about, for some reason.

That was it. He wanted to touch her, and fuck if that wasn't what they'd always wanted at home.

But this was Nick.

But she'd said no, and that knot in her stomach was tightening. "You need to stop, Nick. I said no, and I fucking meant it."

"I'm... okay. Sorry." He scooted away from her, feeling like he'd screwed up somehow. "I just... Sorry." He'd really fucked this up, hadn't he?

"Yeah, me too, I guess." Except Lil couldn't figure out what she should be sorry for. She felt bad, guilty even for shutting him down so harshly, but the only clear thought was that this is what guys do, and it seemed so disconnected from her idea of Nick that nothing was really fitting together at the moment.

"I'm gonna go. I need... I need a nap or something." Lil stood, a tiny bit unsteady at first. "We can talk tomorrow maybe, or some other time?"

He was going to say something, like she shouldn't feel sorry, but she was going to go, and as much as he didn't want her to...

"Sure," Nick said, trying to be reassuring. "Tomorrow," he affirmed.

Lil nodded, already trying to think of somewhere to hide out tomorrow. They'd have to talk at some point, but she needed to have a clear head before then and that would take some time. "Tommorrow's good," she said as she opened the door. It was the first lie she'd ever told him.