Kurt and Lil - February 18
Feb. 18th, 2018 09:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ax_diamondlil posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
ax_mainKurt comes to have a talk with Lil about her absence from the Q&A and leaves her with the seeds of a new approach to talking to people.
Lil’s response to Warren’s post had been angry, mean, and had made Kurt question whether or not he should come out at all, so it had been really hard not to notice when she didn’t turn up to the Q&A. He’d been worried about it at first, then upset, then worried again, and then had settled somewhere in the middle of the two. Part of him was worried she was angry in the way that she had been before, the other part was upset that she’d been given an opportunity to discuss it like she’d wanted and she’d not taken it.
It was this that led Kurt to where he was now — standing outside the door to Lil’s room. He wondered if maybe he should have messaged her and asked to talk first, but he was here now so he might as well just knock. He did, then nervously waited for a response.
The knock made it's way to her ears through Patsy Cline crooning I Fall to Pieces. With Dana gone, Lil had the freedom to listen to what she wanted without headphones. Not that Lil wouldn't give that up, or the spare bed she'd turned into a makeshift sofa, or the posters of old country singers she'd stuck up everywhere, or the desk that now sported an electric kettle and collection of tea, if only she could have Dana's calm and measured company again. Ah well.
She put aside the book she was trying to push her way through (Asking For It, a book on rape culture that she'd found recommended on one of the sites Shen had pointed her to) and got up to answer the door. She opened it and... Kurt? This was the guy JM was seeing or something, wasn't he? She cocked her head to one side and put on a slightly confused smile because for the life of her, she couldn't imagine why he was knocking on her door.
"Hey. Kurt, right?”
Wow, Lil was tall. Kurt had seen Lil around the school enough to already know that, but somehow being face to face with her made it like he was realizing it for the first time. Like seeing pictures of lions and knowing they were big and then seeing a lion in person and realizing how big they actually were.
“Ja. The bluest and the fuzziest of all the Kurts,” Kurt confirmed. “I was wondering if we could talk?”
Slightly confused turned into considerably confused but hell, she was definitely curious now. She stepped aside and waved him in. "Sure! Come on in." She nodded toward her little tea setup as she went to shut off the music. "Want a drink? I got fancy teas and stuff, but there's some bottled water too.”
“A water sounds great, danke,” Kurt replied as he followed Lil into the room, his tail anxiously swishing behind him.
Lil grabbed a bottle from the desk drawer and passed it to Kurt before waving at the bed-turned-couch to let him know he could have a seat. She sat down on her own bed. "So, a talk? Is it something about Jeanne-Marie?" It was the only connection she could make between them at the moment.
Kurt accepted the water with a ‘thank you’, his brow knitting in confusion at the question that had followed it. Why would he be here about Jeanne-Marie? “No, she is fine, thank you. It is about the Q&A, actually.” He sat down in the offered seat.
"Oh yeah?" Lil pulled her legs up to sit cross-legged. "I heard it went pretty well.”
Kurt was even more confused, but offered up a smile. “It did. Good turn-out, good questions…” He uncapped his water and took a sip to give himself time to choose his words well and carefully. He didn’t want Lil to feel attacked, or like he was accusing her of anything. “I was surprised to not see you there, actually. I wanted to check in and make sure you weren’t upset.”
"Um, nope. Not upset." Lil's tipped her head sideways a little, trying to understand why he'd think she'd be upset. She'd been on a pretty even keel the last few weeks hadn't she? "Just didn't want to make anyone think there was gonna be drama. Or -" Lil blushed a little, "- you know, cause any myself.”
Ahh, okay. Kurt could see where Lil was coming from. It was still a little not great, since the Q&A had come about because of Lil’s concerns, but he supposed if he’d felt like he’d been the cause of any fighting he might not have wanted to go either. “I think by not being there you may have done just that,” he said as gently as he could. “You were the most vocal about the way Warren, Jean-Paul, and Simon handle their coming out, and then you did not show up at the Q&A which was meant to address any issues you or anyone else might have.”
"No, I don't... the meeting wasn't for me. I mean, I had my meeting with Warren. He told you guys that, right? This Q&A thing was his idea... " She was talking a little fast, trying to figure out where she'd gone wrong with this. "This was supposed to be for the other kids.”
Kurt shook his head. “I did not say—” Perhaps it was his English and he wasn’t explaining himself well? “It was for everyone, but the idea for the Q&A came up because you seemed to not like how Warren, Simon, and Jean-Paul made their announcement. I know I, personally, was worried about your reaction when I decided to come out. It was why I talked to Warren and got involved in the Q&A.”
That at least gave Lil a moment's pause. She kept discovering new ripples that she had caused with that one, 'fuck you,' and this one was probably the least welcome. "I'm sorry. I fucked up big time there, and I never should have reacted like that.”
“I appreciate the apology,” Kurt replied.
Lil nodded and gave him a weak smile. "I've had to do a lot of that since I got here; I'm getting better at it. But you said this might have caused some drama? That means people are angry at me again?"
“Drama is a strong word. I should not have used it,” Kurt replied apologetically. “I cannot speak for others. It is not my place. But, for me, by not coming to the Q&A, it looked like you maybe did not support it and I thought you might be upset.”
"Ugh." Lil propped her elbows on her legs and dropped her head into her hands. Of course that's how it would look. And of course, that was probably what Warren was upset about the other day. "No, I stayed away because I did support it, and I wanted other kids to get a chance with questions, plus I thought of it as Warren's thing so I figured that if he wanted me there, he or one of you guys would let me know. But I never bothered to talk to any of you about it so... fuck." She lifted her head to peek at Kurt. "I think this is a communication fuck up. Not that that's gonna carry any weight with some people.”
Kurt wasn’t sure why it would be on Warren, or or anyone else to tell Lil she should be there. “It was everyone’s thing, and it was open invite. You even helped organize it. You gave suggestions and you handed out flyers.”
Lil frowned at Kurt. The idea that she'd helped organize it seemed bizarre. "I guess, but I sort of thought that if I was important to this, people would talk to me about it. Warren was the only one who did, and except for a couple of minutes when I picked up the flyers, we only talked once way back in December. I get that I assumed the wrong thing, but there's a lot of people involved who don't think much of me, so when nobody's making contact... " She spread her hands out. She had no idea how to breech the gap between Kurt's expectations and what she'd assumed. "I was always on the outside at home, so I maybe that's my default until someone comes and hits me upside the head with a 2x4.”
“Everyone was important to this. That was the point.” Kurt only looked confused, though. He didn’t understand why Lil would think she wasn’t involved when not only had she’d helped hand out invitation, but the entire Q&A itself come into being because of her.
"You know what? Doesn't matter what I thought, I fucked up. All I can say is that I didn't have any bad intentions and then apologize." She could go on, getting deeper into explanations, but they were probably too personal and specific to her to make much sense to Kurt. Being thought of as important to something outside her family was, to her at least, something of privilege she'd never had. Anyhow, it wasn't like she had a great track record on making herself understood. "I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you guys about it, that I missed it, and I'm sorry you were thinking I was upset or something. And... I mean, considering you though I might have been pissed off, I really appreciate that you came to talk to me about it.”
Kurt gave a small nod and smile. “Thank you.” He appreciated the apology, even though he still wasn’t sure Lil understood where he was coming from. It meant something all the same. “I am glad we had this talk.”
"Oh man, me too. Seriously, I already ran into someone who was angry with me but wasn't saying why." She'd leave Warren's name out of it. She had no idea if he and Kurt were good friends or not. "Now I got a clue. Which, I gotta tell you, doesn't happen that often.”
“Like I said, I cannot speak for everyone, but it can never hurt to ask someone if they are upset and why that is,” Kurt replied. “Sometimes just listening is the best thing you can do.”
“Shen did that for me. Teddy too, the listening thing I mean.” Hoo boy, the stuff she’d said when she’d had her first talk about liking girls with Teddy, but he’d still listened. And she had a stack of books to go through because Shen had turned their talk around just by listening to Lil. “It made a big difference for me, so... yeah. Maybe I gotta think about doing that.”
Kurt shrugged a little. “It can never hurt.”
"Okay! I got new stuff to work on now.” Lil slapped her hands down bedside her on the bed to cement the resolution, then squinted at Kurt. "You like chocolate?”
“Yeah, I do,” Kurt replied, confused.
She jumped up and went over to the desk with the informal tea setup and opened a drawer and grabbed a couple of chocolate bars left over from her trip across the border with Billy. "It's how I say thank you. I either shove food at people or I knit stuff for them." She passed a couple of Kit Kat bars to Kurt. "If you didn't like chocolate you'd probably end up with a hat or something.”
Kurt took the offered chocolate, though he wasn’t sure what he was being thanked for. “Thank you.”
Lil smiled. “Thank you for the thank you? No problem, just... it means a lot that you came.”
“I just tried to do what I would want someone to do for me.” Kurt stood and gave Lil a smile. “I will see you around.”
"See you!" Lil responded cheerfully. When he was out the door she stared after him for a moment, then grabbed a pen and notebook from her other desk. There were things he'd mentioned that, if she didn't get them down right now, would be forgotten in another hour, and the listening thing seemed important. She'd spent so many goddamn years trying to make herself understood that stepping back and letting the other person talk seemed pretty fucking useless, but Kurt seemed like a smart kid, the Teddy kind of smart, so she was going to sit down and write out her friggin' thoughts about it the way Doc had been encouraging her too. Couldn't hurt her anymore than her regular approach to things did.
Lil’s response to Warren’s post had been angry, mean, and had made Kurt question whether or not he should come out at all, so it had been really hard not to notice when she didn’t turn up to the Q&A. He’d been worried about it at first, then upset, then worried again, and then had settled somewhere in the middle of the two. Part of him was worried she was angry in the way that she had been before, the other part was upset that she’d been given an opportunity to discuss it like she’d wanted and she’d not taken it.
It was this that led Kurt to where he was now — standing outside the door to Lil’s room. He wondered if maybe he should have messaged her and asked to talk first, but he was here now so he might as well just knock. He did, then nervously waited for a response.
The knock made it's way to her ears through Patsy Cline crooning I Fall to Pieces. With Dana gone, Lil had the freedom to listen to what she wanted without headphones. Not that Lil wouldn't give that up, or the spare bed she'd turned into a makeshift sofa, or the posters of old country singers she'd stuck up everywhere, or the desk that now sported an electric kettle and collection of tea, if only she could have Dana's calm and measured company again. Ah well.
She put aside the book she was trying to push her way through (Asking For It, a book on rape culture that she'd found recommended on one of the sites Shen had pointed her to) and got up to answer the door. She opened it and... Kurt? This was the guy JM was seeing or something, wasn't he? She cocked her head to one side and put on a slightly confused smile because for the life of her, she couldn't imagine why he was knocking on her door.
"Hey. Kurt, right?”
Wow, Lil was tall. Kurt had seen Lil around the school enough to already know that, but somehow being face to face with her made it like he was realizing it for the first time. Like seeing pictures of lions and knowing they were big and then seeing a lion in person and realizing how big they actually were.
“Ja. The bluest and the fuzziest of all the Kurts,” Kurt confirmed. “I was wondering if we could talk?”
Slightly confused turned into considerably confused but hell, she was definitely curious now. She stepped aside and waved him in. "Sure! Come on in." She nodded toward her little tea setup as she went to shut off the music. "Want a drink? I got fancy teas and stuff, but there's some bottled water too.”
“A water sounds great, danke,” Kurt replied as he followed Lil into the room, his tail anxiously swishing behind him.
Lil grabbed a bottle from the desk drawer and passed it to Kurt before waving at the bed-turned-couch to let him know he could have a seat. She sat down on her own bed. "So, a talk? Is it something about Jeanne-Marie?" It was the only connection she could make between them at the moment.
Kurt accepted the water with a ‘thank you’, his brow knitting in confusion at the question that had followed it. Why would he be here about Jeanne-Marie? “No, she is fine, thank you. It is about the Q&A, actually.” He sat down in the offered seat.
"Oh yeah?" Lil pulled her legs up to sit cross-legged. "I heard it went pretty well.”
Kurt was even more confused, but offered up a smile. “It did. Good turn-out, good questions…” He uncapped his water and took a sip to give himself time to choose his words well and carefully. He didn’t want Lil to feel attacked, or like he was accusing her of anything. “I was surprised to not see you there, actually. I wanted to check in and make sure you weren’t upset.”
"Um, nope. Not upset." Lil's tipped her head sideways a little, trying to understand why he'd think she'd be upset. She'd been on a pretty even keel the last few weeks hadn't she? "Just didn't want to make anyone think there was gonna be drama. Or -" Lil blushed a little, "- you know, cause any myself.”
Ahh, okay. Kurt could see where Lil was coming from. It was still a little not great, since the Q&A had come about because of Lil’s concerns, but he supposed if he’d felt like he’d been the cause of any fighting he might not have wanted to go either. “I think by not being there you may have done just that,” he said as gently as he could. “You were the most vocal about the way Warren, Jean-Paul, and Simon handle their coming out, and then you did not show up at the Q&A which was meant to address any issues you or anyone else might have.”
"No, I don't... the meeting wasn't for me. I mean, I had my meeting with Warren. He told you guys that, right? This Q&A thing was his idea... " She was talking a little fast, trying to figure out where she'd gone wrong with this. "This was supposed to be for the other kids.”
Kurt shook his head. “I did not say—” Perhaps it was his English and he wasn’t explaining himself well? “It was for everyone, but the idea for the Q&A came up because you seemed to not like how Warren, Simon, and Jean-Paul made their announcement. I know I, personally, was worried about your reaction when I decided to come out. It was why I talked to Warren and got involved in the Q&A.”
That at least gave Lil a moment's pause. She kept discovering new ripples that she had caused with that one, 'fuck you,' and this one was probably the least welcome. "I'm sorry. I fucked up big time there, and I never should have reacted like that.”
“I appreciate the apology,” Kurt replied.
Lil nodded and gave him a weak smile. "I've had to do a lot of that since I got here; I'm getting better at it. But you said this might have caused some drama? That means people are angry at me again?"
“Drama is a strong word. I should not have used it,” Kurt replied apologetically. “I cannot speak for others. It is not my place. But, for me, by not coming to the Q&A, it looked like you maybe did not support it and I thought you might be upset.”
"Ugh." Lil propped her elbows on her legs and dropped her head into her hands. Of course that's how it would look. And of course, that was probably what Warren was upset about the other day. "No, I stayed away because I did support it, and I wanted other kids to get a chance with questions, plus I thought of it as Warren's thing so I figured that if he wanted me there, he or one of you guys would let me know. But I never bothered to talk to any of you about it so... fuck." She lifted her head to peek at Kurt. "I think this is a communication fuck up. Not that that's gonna carry any weight with some people.”
Kurt wasn’t sure why it would be on Warren, or or anyone else to tell Lil she should be there. “It was everyone’s thing, and it was open invite. You even helped organize it. You gave suggestions and you handed out flyers.”
Lil frowned at Kurt. The idea that she'd helped organize it seemed bizarre. "I guess, but I sort of thought that if I was important to this, people would talk to me about it. Warren was the only one who did, and except for a couple of minutes when I picked up the flyers, we only talked once way back in December. I get that I assumed the wrong thing, but there's a lot of people involved who don't think much of me, so when nobody's making contact... " She spread her hands out. She had no idea how to breech the gap between Kurt's expectations and what she'd assumed. "I was always on the outside at home, so I maybe that's my default until someone comes and hits me upside the head with a 2x4.”
“Everyone was important to this. That was the point.” Kurt only looked confused, though. He didn’t understand why Lil would think she wasn’t involved when not only had she’d helped hand out invitation, but the entire Q&A itself come into being because of her.
"You know what? Doesn't matter what I thought, I fucked up. All I can say is that I didn't have any bad intentions and then apologize." She could go on, getting deeper into explanations, but they were probably too personal and specific to her to make much sense to Kurt. Being thought of as important to something outside her family was, to her at least, something of privilege she'd never had. Anyhow, it wasn't like she had a great track record on making herself understood. "I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you guys about it, that I missed it, and I'm sorry you were thinking I was upset or something. And... I mean, considering you though I might have been pissed off, I really appreciate that you came to talk to me about it.”
Kurt gave a small nod and smile. “Thank you.” He appreciated the apology, even though he still wasn’t sure Lil understood where he was coming from. It meant something all the same. “I am glad we had this talk.”
"Oh man, me too. Seriously, I already ran into someone who was angry with me but wasn't saying why." She'd leave Warren's name out of it. She had no idea if he and Kurt were good friends or not. "Now I got a clue. Which, I gotta tell you, doesn't happen that often.”
“Like I said, I cannot speak for everyone, but it can never hurt to ask someone if they are upset and why that is,” Kurt replied. “Sometimes just listening is the best thing you can do.”
“Shen did that for me. Teddy too, the listening thing I mean.” Hoo boy, the stuff she’d said when she’d had her first talk about liking girls with Teddy, but he’d still listened. And she had a stack of books to go through because Shen had turned their talk around just by listening to Lil. “It made a big difference for me, so... yeah. Maybe I gotta think about doing that.”
Kurt shrugged a little. “It can never hurt.”
"Okay! I got new stuff to work on now.” Lil slapped her hands down bedside her on the bed to cement the resolution, then squinted at Kurt. "You like chocolate?”
“Yeah, I do,” Kurt replied, confused.
She jumped up and went over to the desk with the informal tea setup and opened a drawer and grabbed a couple of chocolate bars left over from her trip across the border with Billy. "It's how I say thank you. I either shove food at people or I knit stuff for them." She passed a couple of Kit Kat bars to Kurt. "If you didn't like chocolate you'd probably end up with a hat or something.”
Kurt took the offered chocolate, though he wasn’t sure what he was being thanked for. “Thank you.”
Lil smiled. “Thank you for the thank you? No problem, just... it means a lot that you came.”
“I just tried to do what I would want someone to do for me.” Kurt stood and gave Lil a smile. “I will see you around.”
"See you!" Lil responded cheerfully. When he was out the door she stared after him for a moment, then grabbed a pen and notebook from her other desk. There were things he'd mentioned that, if she didn't get them down right now, would be forgotten in another hour, and the listening thing seemed important. She'd spent so many goddamn years trying to make herself understood that stepping back and letting the other person talk seemed pretty fucking useless, but Kurt seemed like a smart kid, the Teddy kind of smart, so she was going to sit down and write out her friggin' thoughts about it the way Doc had been encouraging her too. Couldn't hurt her anymore than her regular approach to things did.
