ax_main | Quatre and Shen

Quatre talks to Shen about something that's been on his ~~heart~~ mind. Warning for super cuteness.

It was Shen's first winter with her mutation, and she was so happy for it. Gone were the days of having to bundle up against the cold; instead, she was wearing her usual leggings with a long-sleeved tee as she went out flying. Her hands and feet were bare, as usual, and shifted into talons.

And flying was still, and hopefully forever would be, the freaking best.

She was headed back down to the mansion after a while when she spotted the lone figure walking away from it. It had been a while since she'd hung out with Quatre, so it wasn't long before she was landing beside him, wings displacing great bursts of cold air before she touched down and folded them behind her. "Hey! Where are you off to?"

Quatre had decided that braving the cold outside would be better than staying cooped up inside, plus he always seemed to think better when he could smell the fresh air. He had bundled up in his warmest slacks with a button up shirt, then layered a sweatshirt and coat over that. He had a scarf wrapped around his neck and was happy that he was staying warm, hands shoved in his pockets.

He blinked when the gusts of wind hit him lightly and he glanced over, only to smile widely when he saw that it was Shen. “Oh, nowhere. I’m just wandering for right now.” He took a look at her outfit and shivered on her behalf. “Aren’t you cold?”

"Nope," she answered with a smile. She'd shifted her hands back, but her feet remained talons; they were less sensitive than her feet, for walking around barefooted. "Birds don't get cold that easily, I guess. Am I interrupting your alone time?"

“That is amazing.” Quatre replied in awe of her ability to withstand the cold, then shook his head slightly. “No, of course not. I always enjoy company, especially if it is someone I like.”

She grinned at the compliment; Quatre was such a sweetheart. "So what are you doing out here? Needed a breath of very fresh air?"

“Ah, yes.” Quatre nodded a little and looked up at the bright sky. “I’m trying to sort through something and being inside too much wasn’t helping.”

"I hear you," Shen stated. "I don't think I could take any meaningful decision right now without going for a flight at some point. You wanna walk-and-talk about it?"

Quatre glanced over at her, worrying his bottom lip a little before he decided that Shen was probably going to be one of the better people to ask. “Sure. Yes, that seems like a good idea.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I sort of have a crush on someone, but it is not a good idea for many reasons and I’m not sure exactly how to handle these feelings.”

Oh. "Sorry to say, I don't think there's a great way to handle them," Shen admitted with a pout, walking alongside him. "What are the reasons?"

“They aren’t,” Quatre paused as he tried to think of the right word. “They are a little stunted emotionally? Ah, no that sounds awful. It’s more like emotion isn’t something they do often, so it can be a little hard to read them sometimes.”

He hoped that made sense, Trowa was extremely difficult to describe.

"Is it something they don't do, or something they don't show that they do?" Shen asked, because, well. They probably had both versions at the school.

“Um,” Quatre has to think about that and thought back to their conversations. “Well, they don’t show it often, but I believe when it comes to romantic relationships they aren’t interested?”

"You believe," Shen echoed. Pointedly, she hoped.

He pursed his lips. “We had a conversation about it and they’d said that the had no real interest in romance or...sex.”

Quatre flushed red at the last word.

"So they might be asexual, or aromantic," Shen acknowledged. "But that's also a thing some people say without being either. If they are, though - I'm sorry."

Quatre shrugged but offered Shen a small smile. “It’s no problem. I would just like to figure this out, or at least get control of it because I don’t want them to figure it out and it be weird for them. Or to get so overwhelmed with my feelings I accidentally pass it on on accident.”

"Oh, that would be awful," Shen agreed with raised eyebrows. Seriously. "But don't you need skin contact for that?"

Quatre flushed a little. “I’ve kind of become used to not wearing my gloves around them. They told me that if I didn’t want to, then I didn’t have to worry about them, but now it will look suspicious if I suddenly start wearing them again, right?”

"Probably," Shen confirmed with a grimace. "You know... Talking to them would probably help. It'll be less weird than if they figure it out on their own. And you'll probably have an easier time getting over it. Hopefully?"

“You think it would be less weird for me to...confess?” Quatre tried to reign in the look of fear at the idea of telling Trowa his feelings, only to be stared at blankly or frowned at. He shook his head quickly. “I don’t think that would be a good idea. He-“ Quatre’s face flushed red and he glanced at Shen a little worriedly. Shen was nice, but that didn’t mean she would automatically be tolerant of everything. “I mean, them?”

"It's okay," Shen told him gently. "I think I know who you mean, but we don't have to say his name. Or their name, if that's how they identify?" She wasn't sure if he'd only been saying 'they' to hide their gender, or if it was maybe also an actual thing.

“Ah, no. He goes by male pronouns, or if he doesn’t he hasn’t told me.” Quatre looked down at the ground a little miserably when Shen said she might know he was talking about Trowa. “Sorry, I was trying to be vague, but I guess that didn’t work too well. I just believe it would be easier to get these thoughts out of my head without troubling him.”

"You think so?" Shen asked, a real question rather than a challenge. "I suck at getting over stuff I don't come out and say." What had happened with Tamara was proof of that.

Quatre turned to smile at her. “We are complete opposites then. I tend to keep everything inside, until I know for sure that what I want to say could be the best outcome.” He bit his lip as his smile grew. “Unless, someone really makes me angry, then I can be a little rash.”

Shen chuckled. "I'd hate to see that. I can't imagine you angry." She shook her head. "Nah, I just... try really hard to be zen about stuff by bottling it up, and eventually it all explodes. I'm trying to work on that."

“I have heard of zen, but I’m not very well read on the whole philosophy.” Quatre tried to fight his smile. “Maybe if you let it out in small little controlled bursts? That way you wouldn't explode in one big bang.”

Shen nodded agreement. "Yeah, I just have to force myself not to feel like I'm being awful for feeling the way I feel, sometimes."

“Feelings are feelings.” He told Shen softly. “It’s what we do with them that risks doing bad things. You shouldn’t feel bad for negative emotions like sadness or anger since you are human and that’s how we were designed. To feel.”

He paused and quickly backtracked “Though, saying that, I’m in no way condoning people who are legitimately hateful for no reason.”

"So not, those people are just assholes," Shen confirmed, very un-zen-like. She gave Quatre a small smile. "I know what you mean, and I actually agree. I just got a little lost along the way."

Quatre smiled and nodded. “I like talking to you, Shen. It feels good to be able to talk things out with someone.”

He also trusted her, which was surprising since even though he tried to be nice to everyone, trust came slowly for him.

Shen smiled at him. "Any time. What are you gonna do about - He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named?"

“When did he start to dabble in the dark arts?” Quatre asked with a smirk and then shook his head with a small shrug. “I don’t know. I might tell him, if it gets to be too much, but if I can I’d like to hold it in. I just would like to not mess everything up.”

"Well, you can talk to me about it whenever you like," Shen told him with another smile. "No way to mess anything up there."

“That would be extremely helpful. Thank you, Shen.” Quatre nodded and glanced up at the wide landscape they still had to walk. “You are a good friend, has anyone ever told you that before?”

"That, and the opposite," she told Quatre with a small, slightly sad smile. "But I try my best."

Quatre frowned slightly at that and turned to look at her with concern. “The opposite? Who told you that?”

Shen shrugged, her wings shifting with the motion. "I'm not always a very good friend." She gave him a half-smile, repeated some of their earlier conversation. "Sometimes I bottle things up and then explode at people."

“Oh.” Quatre understood now. “But that does not mean you are a bad friend. Did you try to make it right after exploding?”

"I did," Shen confirmed, then made a face. "And then I bottled things up again and later exploded again. It was even worse. But..." She shook her head. "I'm not sure I want to try again. They weren't a very good friend to me, and they never seemed to care."

Quatre pressed his lips together tightly, reaching out to place his gloved hand on Shen’s shoulder and pat her softly. “I’m sorry, Shen. Unfortunately, that happens, but if they were not being a good friend then sometimes it’s best to let go.”

His warm concern made the back of her eyes prickle with how guilty she still felt, but she gave him a small smile. "They'd probably say the same thing about me, so. I don't know. Maybe we just weren't meant to be friends?" She put her hand over his and squeezed it. "But you're awesome."

Quatre smiled warmly at the squeeze. “As are you.” He pulled his hand away, shoving it back into his coat pocket and looked up at the blue sky, feeling a bit better and more relaxed. “Would you be interested in a conflict resolution group? I know you already run the activist club, so I can understand if you are too busy, but I thought I would ask anyway.”

For a second Shen had thought he meant to offer her that group's services, and her heart twisted with as much fear as hope. She wished she knew whether she wanted to try and patch things up with Tamara, but she wasn't certain of anything when it came to them. But then he mentioned her being too busy for it, and she reconsidered what he was offering. "What kind of thing did you have in mind?"

“Helping others work through their problems with other students or just their own problems they need help with. It would have to be completely confidential, of course, but I think you would be good at helping and talking things out. Like just now, you helped me talk through my problem.” He smiled at her gratefully. “Jeanne-Marie and I are trying to start it up, we just need to write out the plan and get the professors approval.”

Shen didn't think she'd done much to help, but maybe that was the trick - listening. She shrugged, wings shifting with it. "Sure, I'd give it a go. Anything to help out."

“We’d love to have you.” Quatre smiled, but quickly looked a little panicked. “But don’t feel pressured! Really if it isn’t something you feel like doing, I don’t want you to feel like you have to.”

"I want to," Shen assured him with an amused, fond smile. She hooked her hand on his elbow as they walked. "Really. It's not the kind of thing you wanna get into without your heart being in it, you know?"

“I know exactly what you mean.” Quatre replies happily and continued to walk at an easy pace. “How about you? Is everything going well with you?”

"Pretty well," Shen nodded. "I... I'm getting ready to come out. We need people not white boys to get on that stage."

Quatre looked up at Shen in shock. “Really? You mean like in a large conference like Warren and the others or more going out in public with your wings? Either way, that’s incredible.”

"That second one," Shen confirmed. "But in a very specific setting. With Kurt, at a pro-mutant protest."

Quatre relaxed a little. “Oh, that is a good idea. At least you will be somewhat safer. It’s still very brave, though. You and Kurt both.”

"Someone's gotta do it," Shen answered with a smile for Quatre. "I can't keep talking about making a change if I'm not ready to, well, be the change."

Quatre blinked at that, what Shen has said made him wonder if he was doing all he could to help the change as well. “You...you are completely right on that. Do you have a certain rally in mind?”

"We're looking at what's happening after the new year," she answered, "but nothing's set yet."

“Ah.” Quatre replied with a small nod. “That makes sense. Um, let me know when you find one and go? That way I can send you good wishes and everything.”

"Don't worry, we'll let the whole school know," Shen assured him with a smile.

“Good.” Quatre smiled, not voicing that safety was another reason that letting everyone else know was a good idea. Shen didn’t need to be bogged down with those thoughts right now. “Will you be going anywhere for break?”

Shen was bogging herself down with these thoughts already, anyway. But as it was, she was happy not to go over it again; it was all she seemed to be doing these days. "Just in town. My uncle moved there when I came here."

“Oh, that’s nice.” Quatre shifted there track so they were winding back towards the mansion, his nose already going numb. “I wish I didn’t have to go far to see family. I’m not looking forward to a fourteen hour flight.”

"Ugh, that is super long," Shen stated sympathetically. "But are you looking forward to seeing your family again?" She had no idea what his relationship with them might be.

“I am.” He answered, a small quirk of his lips at the memory of texts his cousins had flooded his phone with. “I’m excited to see all my cousins and sisters, they have been sending me emails nonstop since they heard I’d be coming back for the holidays.”

He took a deep breath and sighed. “My father on the other hand seems a little less excited.”

Her small smile turned downward at that addendum. "Sorry. Is it the mutant thing?"

“He says it’s not, but I believe that has some to do with it.” Quatre replied a little quietly. “But it’s more that I believe that sometimes force may be necessary when trying to protect those being hurt.”

"He's a pacifist?" Shen asked, thinking of her uncle. Not that that would stop him from being supportive. Poor Quatre.

Quatre gave a small shrug. “Yeah. Very much against any kind of violence or force, which I get, but sometimes I don’t? Then I feel like I’m failing the principles he taught me when I can’t stand watching what people do.”

"I feel you," Shen said honestly. "Yang Tian's like that, too - my uncle. He's a hardcore pacifist, too."

“Does your uncle lecture you on principles when he feels you are straying?” Quatre asked, liking that he had someone that understood. “I know I’m in for it when he takes a deep breath and lets out this sigh, like what I’ve just said is really testing him.”

"No, he's more - he's more of a teacher," Shen stated, after a pause to find the right word. "He explains. We disagree, but he doesn't dismiss me. For Buddhists, everyone's on a path. I'm just not where he's at yet." And she might never be, she felt. Not when she knew what she knew about the Right, about was being done to mutants. She couldn't unsee that, and she couldn't dissociate from her emotions, from her anger and her strong sense of necessity. Violence as a necessity. "I know he'd rather I was, but... at least he's supportive. Sorry your dad's a judgmental dick about it."

Quatre actually bust out laughing at the last bit of her sentence, having to let go of her arm so he could try and cover his mouth with both hands. He tried to get his laugher under control and after only a few breathless chuckles were left he finally looked at her with a wide smile. “I’m sorry, I have just never heard anyone call him anything like that.”

Shen smiled at him. "Hey, so you know, there's more where that came from."