Nolan and Lil - December 1

[ax_diamondlil]

After their last talk, Lil and Nolan work out where exactly they stand with each other and what kind of relationship, if any, they're going to have.

Four fucking days and Nolan hadn't made an appearance. Lil had tried patience, tried pretending she didn't care, tried giving up even, but none of it really stuck and every day that went by without Nolan dropping by to either explain himself, or even just tell her it was over, was another day the peace and calm thought that Teddy helped her build got chipped away. Fine. Nolan could avoid her for a bit, but he couldn't really hide, and if she didn't go talk to him soon, there'd be violence next time she saw him. Probably something to avoid. It was a good thing she was right outside his office door now. It was a better thing that the door wasn't looked. It was an excellent thing that when Lil swung the door open, Nolan was sitting behind his desk.

"Oh hi," she said, pasting on a fake smile. "Long time, no see."

Nolan never had visitors to his office at school. Shinobi had shown up a couple of times, but he'd simply breezed through the door, as was his habit. For the door to be open, though, and without so much as a knock... His surprise at seeing Lil there was obvious, and he stared at her for a second before looking back at his screen. "Sorry, Ari, something's come up. I'll call back when I can."

He ended the video call and ignored the nerves - and the very real edge of fear - he felt to better focus on Lil as he stood. "Lil," he greeted her simply, for lack of having a clue what she was doing here.

"Yup, that's me." Lil pushed the door closed, then crossed her arms in front of her. "I thought we needed to talk since things didn't end so well last time."

Nolan had been aware of how small his office was from the moment he had first set foot in it, but it had never felt as small as it did when Lil closed the door. It had a window, which made it more than a closet, but there was no furniture beyond shelves filled with some of the Professor's books, a desk, and a computer chair. Not that Nolan was certain that offering for her to take a seat would have been the right move, anyway.

If he was certain of anything, it was that he could trust himself not to have a clue what the right move was.

So he settled on expressing his confusion. "I didn't think you would want anything more to do with me." Not even to talk.

Lil rolled her eyes but didn't move from the door. No way was she doing that until she was sure he wasn't going anywhere. "Maybe I don't, but you don't get to decide that yourself. You gotta ask me that question."

"I... think you answered it by walking through that door," Nolan replied, no less confused. He was giving her the benefit of the doubt that she was standing in front of the door because the office was so small, although it didn't sit right with him.

"Yeah, well, I'm not exactly ready to give up on you at least." Lil sighed. "Look, if I sit down, are you gonna head out the door and disappear for another week?"

A small frown settled on Nolan's brow at the question. Perhaps he shouldn't have given her the benefit of the doubt after all. "If I say yes, will you keep blocking the doorway?"

And finally, Lil realized what she might look like right now to someone who thought she was a bully. So much for the talk with Teddy then; she'd stepped in it again. She dropped her arms, deflated. "No, you can go if you want. Or fuck, just tell me to go. It's your office, right?"

Nolan gestured at the empty desk chair for her to take a seat, stepping back to lean against the shelves. "No. Let's talk." He owed her that much, for how he had made her feel.

Lil didn't miss how he kept the space between them. Was he worried about her hurting him now? Jesus. Lil sat down and slid down into the chair a bit; an old habit to try and make herself less noticeable, although here there was nobody else to hide behind. "Let's," Lil repeated. "You start."

Ah. Nolan glanced aside, then looked back at her, unsure where to start. "I hate that I made you feel that way. Violated." He forced himself to put a word on it, instead of cutting himself some slack with that first turn of phrase. "And I'm sorry that I reacted so poorly when you told me." He hadn't been able to get past the comparison she was making, like your typical privileged jerk.

Well, it was a start. "But you don't think you were wrong?" She tried to keep judgment out of the question for now. No sense in going backwards.

Nolan didn't know much about how to interact with people outside of business circles, but he knew just enough to know better than to say 'I was wrong to tell you'. He'd made the mistake of complete honesty once, and he wouldn't do it again. But partial honesty, that he could do. "I should've asked you first. But I would've hacked you anyway, afterwards." No matter what her answer had been.

God. Well, she'd wanted an answer, right? "And would you do it again now?"

"That way around," Nolan answered with a hint of a nod. There was a shadow in his eyes; he knew what he was saying.

"That way around just makes it worse," Lil said quietly. "I don't even know what I did, Nolan, why you'd do that to begin with. Did you just want to end it 'cause I got into it with Warren and he's a friend? Or 'cause of what I told you about what a few guys used to do?"

Nolan was speechless for a beat, before he said, quietly, but with feeling, "No." He swallowed, then went on, "I did that because it's what I do. And it's the world I live in." He didn't know what he had been thinking, not doing it extensively enough to start with. "And I did it then because I needed to know. If you were, or had been, a bully."

Lil shrugged. "But you still had to ask, so it didn't matter anyway." This was disappointing as fuck. "Do you still want to know?"

"Of course I want to know," Nolan replied without missing a beat.

"Yeah, I was, but that's all you get to know. If you want my side of the story, it's not hard to get. You just have to be friends, talk to me, tell me about yourself... normal stuff, but I already had a friendship where I had to give up my self-respect for the other person for a long time, and I'm not fucking doing it again."

Nolan nodded, his throat tight. He wasn't sure that he wanted to know more, right then. He certainly didn't know if he could even try to be friends with Lil. The thought of telling her anything more about himself felt wrong on so many levels. She hadn't been bullying anyone here, that he knew, but that didn't help his emotional response. Telling anyone at all about himself wasn't his strong suit to start with.

He cleared his throat. "I appreciate that you're owning up to it. And that you... haven't been, recently. But that would be - very hard. For me." Even saying so felt like admitting too much, like leaving himself open in a big way, which was why he sounded so halting, and unlike his usual self.

"You got bullied." Lil had meant it to sound like a question, but the sudden insight had surprised her enough that it came out like a statement of fact. If it was true, it gave everything that had happened with Nolan a new perspective.

"What makes you think that would happen to a socially awkward, academically brilliant boy," Nolan replied with a bite to his tone, eyes flashing in a rare show of temper.

What would be a restrained flash of anger in anyone else was like a blaring alarm with Nolan, and Lil got a good glimpse into how serious an issue this was for him. And how much it had hurt him. Maybe she did owe him an explanation. "I'm sorry." She sighed, looked away, then met his gaze again. "Okay. I started hitting kids when I was 12. Before that, I was the kid getting teased and pushed around. They'd do it because I was the big kid with the temper I guess - made for a good show. But when I got to junior high, stuff changed a bit and boys get... well, they know a bit more about how to get a girl pissed off. So one guy grabbed me, I punched him, he went down, and he never bothered me again. I learned and that's what happened anytime time someone tried anything. It doesn't stop everyone, but if people know they might end up with a broken nose, most of them will stay away." The next part was worse and Lil shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "Being a bitch like that makes some kids like you, and I started to hang around with a girl. We got to be good friends and... I sort of got protective of her - like I was of myself. I'd never had a friend like that I guess. So a girl flirted with a boy Cherry liked, I threw her up against a wall and threatened her. Then Cherry started dragging me out to parties and fuck, she'd start shit there and expect me to finish it. I was basically her fucking goon."

I started hitting kids when I was 12. The words wouldn't get out of his mind. That she'd pushed back against kids who were bullying her, that was something part of him wished he had been able to do, back then. The type of bullying it seemed to have been only made it more understandable. But the simplicity of those words, coupled with the admission that a habit had formed... Nolan couldn't quite get past that. Her mutation being what it was only added to that.

"What made you want to change that?" he asked, quietly. He didn't know why he was asking. He wasn't sure what he felt anymore, emotions and numbness chasing each other inside him.

"Because it felt fucking awful. I mean, before Cherry it almost felt okay, like I was doing it for the right reasons, but later it was just... I don't know. I don't feel too bad for a lot of the guys, 'cause the crowd Cherry and I hung out with, well, they were mostly the fuck-ups anyway - drinking a lot, causing shit in town - and if I wasn't fighting them they'd go after each other, but there were a few kids, like that girl, who didn't do anything more than get in Cherry's way. Besides -" Lil held up a fist " - I don't hit like normal people. I'm really lucky I didn't hurt someone really bad. After Cherry died in the crash, I was sort of a pariah anyways, so I had a lot of time to think about that stuff and realize I'd been a complete asshole."

Nolan nodded again, minutely, like a bigger gesture would have been too much. It was a lot to take in, all of it, and it shed new light on the car crash. "Thank you," he told her, quietly, the tightness of his throat somewhat audible in his voice. "For telling me."

Lil was quiet for a moment. She half hoped he'd offer something about himself in return, but that seemed to be what the 'thank you' was for. "So, what next?"

He frowned. "What do you want to happen next?" He could not imagine himself being with her now, but he doubted that she could either, after what he had done, and his earlier confirmation that he would hack her again, if he had to do it all over again.

Fucking coward. "I asked you! Jesus, Nolan, do want to date me? Do you want to try being friends? Do you want me to just stay out of your way? And then tell me why, because I just gave you what you wanted and it might as well have been a fucking job interview for all you said about it. As far as why you decided I wasn't worth your time, I'm still pretty much in the dark."

The same sort of coolness came over Nolan as it had last time, only this time it was in response to her anger. And everything that was associated with it, right now. "I'd like you to stop yelling, and give me some time to process."

"You've had a week and a half, Nolan." Lil said. This was going bad again, but she wasn't leaving without an answer this time. "You're way past the point of telling me to behave so I can earn an answer from you."

He hadn't had any time at all to process her side of the story, so pressing him now was a sure way to get one answer out of him. Nolan resisted the urge to rub at his eyes, feeling the beginning of a migraine dawning behind them. "You just admitted that you were a bully. That it was sheer luck that kept anyone from landing in the hospital. Right now, I don't even want to have a conversation with you."

Which wasn't completely true, but her insistence on having an answer now had put his back to the wall.

So it was entirely possible that part of him had been hoping, despite evidence to the contrary, that he had been wrong. That she hadn't abused her powers to hurt kids unfairly.

"You haven't wanted to have one with me for a week and a half. What's new? " Lil waved a dismissive hand. He wanted time to process when he'd given her what? a minute to process that he was an internet creep before he launched into his questions? It was pretty fucking clear now that there was a different set of rules at work for her than for him and if that was the case, why was Lil trying so hard? "So you need time to process. You want me to leave?"

"I want you to give me a moment," Nolan answered, coming short of achieving his usual offhanded tone. Instead, it came out as a little shaky, with an edge of temper. In short, it sounded nothing like him at all, and he hated how obvious it was that he was emotionally affected, right then. "If the only way that's going to happen is if you're not here, then yes. I would like you to leave. Otherwise," and there his voice went quiet, almost pleading in a way he couldn't control, "give me a moment."

"Alright." That stupid cold way he had of talking was gone again, at least for now. Maybe that was why she was trying, for the moments when he seemed like less of a distant asshole. "I'll back off."

Nolan had never before been as annoyed by the size of his office. It was annoying, but when he was working, it hardly mattered. Now, though, he would have liked being able to step away. He nodded gratefully, then looked out the window, taking a few moments to try and sort through his feelings.

Fighting bullies was one of his life's crusades. And it was, of course, an intensely personal crusade. But Lil wasn't currently a bully. She wanted to change, she had changed already. That was something to foster and encourage.

But that didn't mean that Nolan could carry on as they had been. That much he was certain of. Maybe, in time, but it was ludicrous to imagine she would wait for him to come around, whenever that might be.

"I'd like..." He looked back at her, something painfully honest shining in his eyes. "I'd like to try and be friends, if you'll have it."

"Really?" She couldn't help the smile that sprang up. If he'd wanted more, Lil wasn't sure she could give it, not after what he'd done with her school records, but abandoning each other, when they both seemed to have a pretty shallow well of friends... "I'll have it."

Nolan was surprised at the readiness of her reaction, never mind the smile that came with it. "All right."

Lil stood and took a step toward Nolan, but stopped short of reaching out a hand because, well give him space, back off a bit... that seemed to help him. "Good, 'cause I know we don't exactly trust each other right now, and I'm still really pissed off about a lot and you too probably, but I'm sort of tired of burning bridges and sulking about it. Plus, we're not disposable, right?"

"No, we're not," Nolan agreed quietly. A beat went by, and he held out a hand, as if for a handshake. It was the only way he knew to reach out right now, although he wasn't planning on a business handshake at all. He was testing himself as much as he was testing her, with this.

Lil took his hand in both of hers, the closest thing to a hug she dared right now. "Just one thing though. You don't disappear on me again, okay?"

That was a little more than Nolan had bargained for, but he squeezed her hands after a moment. "Disappear on you?"

"Well, ghost me, or whatever that's called when I don't hear from you. I do like talking to you. A lot."

"No ghosting," Nolan agreed and pulled his hand back. He didn't feel like he had to remind her he wasn't a very available or social person; that much she knew about him.

Lil smiled and let his hand go. "Awesome." They had a million and one things still to talk about, but that was enough for one day. At least they could talk now, which was more than they had an hour ago, and that was what they needed to get any of the mess they still had between them sorted out. "I'm gonna leave you alone now. I got some homework and shit to get sorted, and I bet you've got work."

"I do," Nolan confirmed with a nod. "Thank you for... stopping by." There was a lot more in those words than simply what they said. For telling him, for not turning her back on him.