Vax and Gilmore - Insight Check
Feb. 25th, 2019 09:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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ax_mainVax helps Gilmore see past his blind spots. It's exactly what Gilmore needs, but first he has to admit to a secret that he's been holding for much too long.
Shaun and Percy's project room sat unusually quiet today. Only Shaun was in residence, but the usual bustle and color and music that typically accompanied Shaun's creative presence were missing. He sat on a stool on his side of the workshop, half-curled over his worktop with his head propped in one hand. On the table before him lay his usual favorite tools: pliers and snippers, mandrels and wire spools. Most days, he could lose himself for hours in twisting, curling, wrapping, and polishing in copper or bronze. Today, Shaun was stirring a small bowl full of glass beads with the tip of his pliers, staring at it without really seeming to see what he was doing.
Honestly, Shaun looked like he hadn't slept in several days. His hair was pulled back in a curly tail that revealed darker circles under his eyes, and despite his own rigorous skin care regime he was currently experiencing an unsightly breakout across his forehead. Absolutely not glorious.
If Shaun heard anyone come into the room, he gave barely any indication of it; his thoughts were somewhere else.
People rarely heard Vax'ildan enter any place, honestly, especially when he moved through the shadows. Though he'd been looking for Percy, as he saw Shaun sitting there, stooped and pathetic, he stepped from the veil rather than continue his search. He took a few steps toward the other teen, then stopped himself, unsure how to proceed. "Gilmore?"
Hearing his name in Vax's voice seemed like it flipped a switch in Gilmore somewhere. As if a light had been turned on, he straightened up and summoned one of his warm smiles, turning to Vax and spreading his hands like they hadn't seen each other in ages. "Vax'ildan! Hello, gorgeous. You've missed Percy by a bit, I'm afraid, but you know I'm always delighted to entertain you."
And that was what this shift in demeanor was, in part: entertainment. A show that Shaun wrote, directed, and starred in. It was something like a performance, something he thought he had to be, though of course his pleasure at seeing Vax was real.
Vax knew the song and dance well, though this time he wasn't inclined to play along. He'd seen enough of Shaun's state before he'd said anything to realize that the other teen wasn't quite as jovial as he put on. "I don't need entertaining," he gentled, waving a hand to cast the suggestion away. "But I'm starting to think that you might. Or at least a long bath and some quiet music."
Somehow, Shaun managed not to realize that Vax had seen right through him. His smile tugged fondly, though his eyes were tired. "While that sounds divine, my calendar is fully booked. I've got orders, I've got finger joints coming off the 3-D printer in an hour, and I've got a data analysis meeting with Simon in..." Shaun drifted off, his forehead crinkling as he tried to remember exactly when that appointment was set for.
"Yeah, maybe you'd better cancel that," Vax headed for Gilmore's phone, flipping it up in his hand, then tossing it to his friend. "Then you and I are taking a day off."
Shaun fumbled but managed to catch his phone in both hands, though he blinked at it uncertainly. He always wanted to make time for Vax, but the projects on his plate at the moment were something of a matter of life and death. Gilmore bit his lip. "I don't think I can. I have... promises. Responsibilities. You know." The protests sounded weak even to his own ears.
Vax raised his eyebrows at his friend. "Responsibilities that can't wait a day?"
That question wasn't a simple one for Shaun to answer. One side of his mouth quirked up in a rueful smile as he tapped his phone open to start a text to Simon. "Do I really look so bad that you're forced to kidnap me?"
Strolling closer, Vax hopped up to sit on the worktop in front of his friend, leaning close enough to look straight into his eyes as he looked up from the phone. "Dear, you look as though all of the light has gone out of the world and unicorns have ceased to exist. So to answer your question: hell yeah."
If Shaun had puppy ears to go with those puppy-dog eyes, they would have drooped bit by bit as Vax spoke. Instead he just sank back into his chair as his lower lip pouted out. Then, dramatically -- matching Vax's drama, really -- he flung an arm across his face and whispered with overblown despair, "Don't... don't look at me! I'm hideous..."
Vax huffed a soft laugh, then kicked a foot out to gently prod at Shaun's calf. "Darling, you couldn't be hideous if you tried."
A compliment from Vax definitely helped lighten Shaun's mood. He peeked out from under his arm, and then smiled and lowered it. "Well, if you're going to butter me up, how can I resist? Tell me what we're going to do with our day off while I let Simon down easy."
"A picnic? A stroll through the garden?" Vax'ildan suggested. They weren't normally his sort of thing, but it sounded like something that might relax Gilmore.
"Isn't it freezing outside?" Shaun asked, sending off a quick text to Simon. Something came up. Reschedule for tomorrow? He did wonder if Simon might need an afternoon off, too. When he finished, all of his attention was once again Vax's. "Though I do have a very cunning hat and scarf."
Right. Other people were more susceptible to the elements than he was, Vax reminded himself. "Ah...what about a picnic in the attic instead? There are some cozy old couches and chairs up there. I think someone uses them frequently, since there's hardly ever dust. There's even an old fireplace, if we can get it working."
Shaun quirked an eyebrow and looked a little more like his usual self for a second or two. "Lucky you'll have me along. That sounds..." His teasing faded off into a genuine expression of what looked like relief. "That sounds like heaven, actually."
A smile curled Vax's lips, and he nodded. "Then you head on up. I'll grab a bite from the kitchen."
"Meet you there," Shaun promised, and to make good on that promise, he reached to turn off the work lamp on the desk. Now that was dedication.
***
The attic hideaway wasn't hard to find with Vax's direction, even though Gilmore hadn't been there before. It did look cozy, indeed. So much so that Gilmore entered cautiously at first, half sure that someone was already there, snuggled up in one of the warm blankets. After poking a couple with his toe, though, he confirmed he really was alone, and at that moment this place did sort of feel like heaven. He plopped himself down in front of the antique-looking fireplace, and started to tinker with it until Vax reappeared.
Eventually, Vax stepped out of the shadows in the corner of the room, his arms full of a tupperware box full of stolen food. He was pretty sure no one would miss it, and if they did, it's not as though they could point fingers. He was rarely ever seen or heard around the school when he didn't want to be. Inside the box, he had a full container of some kind of cold pasta salad, a wedge of Havarti cheese (and crackers), a bunch of grapes, and a bottle of wine someone had been hiding behind the cereal in the pantry.
He set the box down and pulled out a couple of paper plates, plastic utensils, and two juice glasses that would serve for the wine, come what may. "Hope this is alright. I could have gone for the pizza rolls, but somehow I didn't think that was your style."
The fire crackled to life, and Gilmore looked pleased at having applied his abilities in a useful way. He made a mental note to replace the wood logs in thanks for whomever else regularly used this little retreat, and then scooted back to join Vax. "You know me so well," he sighed, tipping his head and gracing Vax with a smile of pure Gilmore adoration. "I won't even ask how you acquired the wine. We'll just assume we're putting it to better use and saving some poor soul from juvenile delinquency."
"That's me - committing crime to save others from doing so," Vax smirked as he poured the wine. He'd done the same often enough as part of Vox Machina.
"Absolutely philanthropic of you," Gilmore confirmed, curling himself up and propping an elbow on the cushion of the sofa they were leaning against. He watched Vax move for a few moments, the fire crackling in the background as if to gently ward off the oppression of silence. "It's so quiet here," he eventually said, much more softly himself. Somehow, he seemed surprised by it.
"Is that a problem?" Vax asked, offering Gilmore a glass. "It stands to reason that you could use a bit of a retreat from the hussle and bussle of this chaotic little campus. I'd suggest I take you even further, but something tells me that you want to be within reach of a certain tech billionaire."
Shaun took the glass and took a drink before he could think too hard about why he was having a drink in the middle of a random day. "I do prefer to be within grabbing distance of him at any given moment, but alas, the world is jealous and steals him away more often than I'd like." The thought that Nolan might be stolen away permanently lingered darkly in the back of his mind. It was harder and harder to keep his worries about Nolan's long-term health under wraps, these days.
"But this? Is perfect." Shaun lifted his glass to Vax in honor of him. "Thank you, Vax'ildan."
"I'm used to dragging Percival away from the workbench when it looks like a project is about to consume him," Vax admitted, taking a sip of the wine. "But it looked as though the universe was crushing your shoulders."
"Responsibilities," Gilmore reminded him, reaching for a couple of crackers and some cheese to go with them. "Of which you so kindly relieved me. How do my shoulders look now?"
He paused and flexed one arm in the classic pose. Shaun was not particularly well-built or muscular, so it wasn't exactly impressive, but it did make him smile for a moment while he teased. Sure, he was deflecting, and it was probably obvious, but he was smiling and comfortable and relaxed at least.
"Glorious, as always," Vax agreed, popping a grape in his mouth. "But do you want to tell me what has you so down?"
Shaun breathed out a little sigh. Vax was one of his best friends, and Shaun didn't want to keep secrets from him. "It's... the suppression collars. We're moving so slowly I'm starting to despair that we'll ever finish. I have to get this right, but... I'm stuck. It's like there's a blind spot in all of it that I just can't see around."
"Why is this so important to you?" Vax asked, nibbling on a piece of cheese. "These collars, I mean."
Shaun had been able to avoid this question for the most part, but the more creative deflections he came up with, the further away from the truth he felt. Nolan had asked for secrecy, but it the worry weighed on Shaun -- heavy enough that Vax had seen it bowing his shoulders. There was no one for him to talk to about it who wasn't Nolan, and the secret had become a burden that kept him silent when he needed to speak.
Resolutely, Shaun swirled the wine around in his glass, and then downed half of it in one gulp. "Listen, Vax... this isn't something that's mine to tell, but I can't lie to you. You're too pretty." A weak smile. "Can I tell you the truth? Can it stay between us?"
Vax hesitated. He didn't like secrets. He had plenty of them himself, and yet keeping anything from Vex'ahlia or Percy was inherently painful. Then again, Shaun looked as though he were in just as much pain, and he simply couldn't deny him. Leaning forward to set his arms on his knees, Vax nodded. "You've my word. I won't speak of it to anyone."
This was breaking, or at least tarnishing, a promise Shaun had made to Nolan. He knew that. It didn't feel good, knowing what he was about to say, but it didn't feel good keeping it inside, either. He could take care in what he said, focus on his own feelings... and pray that Nolan would forgive him for it.
Shaun glanced away for a second, then back to Vax. "It's Nolan." Of course it was. "His mutation has a side effect that harms him. Maybe permanently. Maybe... worse. When I took that collar off Caleb, using it to help Nolan was the only thing I could think about. I'm not really doing this for 'the benefit of all mutantkind,' I'm doing it to keep my boyfriend with me."
Vax breathed out a soft sound. That was definitely a secret worth keeping, especially since he was pretty sure it was Nolan's. However, he felt some kind of tension loosen in him, hearing the truth of the matter, and his features softened. He looked up at Gilmore and nodded solemnly. "I think I feel better knowing that you're doing it for someone you love."
Now that he'd said it, Shaun felt like something had unlocked in his heart, and the fear he'd been keeping at bay welled up inside him. It wrenched away his better judgement and coughed up everything he'd been holding back for months, all at once, unbidden. "That's just it, I don't know if I can. We've been working at it and working at it, but there's something I'm not seeing, somewhere between the cerebral cortex and electromagnetics and the thalamus and some other shit I don't understand... there's some kind of blind spot and I just..."
Gilmore dropped his head into one palm, covering his eyes. "I can't lose him, Vax. I can't be the reason I lose him."
Vax was out of his seat in a second, moving to Gilmore's side. He slipped a hand up to cup the back of his neck beneath his hair, gently caressing, comforting. "Hey. Listen to me. Nolan isn't hurt because of you, and I'm fairly sure he wouldn't want you blaming yourself over what's going on. Besides that, you are one of the smartest people I know. You are going to figure this thing out. You just need to give yourself some slack, yeah?"
Gilmore leaned in against Vax, soaking in the comfort of his friend's presence. He had been holding in his fears for months to respect Nolan's privacy, without recognizing how much he needed to talk. "I don't know, Vax," he said softly, but at least he didn't sound like he was about to fall apart. "I don't know. Usually everything's obvious and clear and I just... know. I can't afford not to be sure, this time." For much of his life, everything had been easy for Shaun Gilmore. He was good at everything he did, successful when he applied himself, and bordering on brilliant when he was focused and determined. To face an obstacle when the stakes were this high... it felt devastating.
"There's your problem," Vax told him quietly. "You're putting so much weight on it that you're backing your creative genius into a corner."
Vax's low voice and steady confidence kept Shaun from letting himself fall into a panic. One dark brown eye peeked up from between his fingers for a long, regarding moment. It seemed so simple and obvious when Vax said it that way. Could it be? "... really? I'm just... getting in my own way?"
"Yeah. Fuck yeah," Vax told him, offering a small smile. "You got this. You've just got to find a way to relax and let it flow, yeah? You don't work well under deadlines and with facts and science, Shaun. Your power comes from your heart, not your brain."
A bit of a wrinkled brow accompanied Shaun's faint, scrunched smile, but he knew what Vax meant. It made a lot of sense, actually. He started to lower the fingers covering his face. "Simon and Nolan are, like, certified geniuses. Prodigies. I know how to weld and sew."
"Yeah? And those prodigies don't know shit about real people and how to make a thing like that that people will want to actually wear," Vax snorted softly. Not that he was knocking Nolan's sense of style. Okay, maybe he was, a little bit. But still, the geniuses at the school were by and large stuck in their own heads most of the time. And he would know; he was dating one.
"We definitely can't rely on Nolan to know what other people want to wear," Gilmore agreed, with his long-suffering fondness for Nolan's unique and eclectic (and sometimes awful) sense of style. God, talking to Vax helped so much. Already he felt lighter, more steady, and able to breathe. Leaning against Vax's side, reassured by the warmth and steadiness of his contact, helped immensely. Shaun didn't feel quite so alone. "But at this point it looks like something you'd put on a rabid dog. One you don't like very much."
"There's no way to make it look more... stylish?" Vax asked curiously, keeping a warm arm around his friend.
"Every time I try, I lose control of the electromagnetic field," Gilmore sighed. "Which is the same as saying I lose my abilities. That's where we're stuck, now. Well, that and there's no way to know what the long-term side effects are because we don't want to put anyone into it long-term unless we have to." He nipped at his lower lip, aware he was rambling into details now. "I think I'd need an electrical engineering degree and a medical license to understand it. Or be an evil, racist scientist with a bunch of evil, racist money. "
"Maybe you need an outside perspective?" Vax suggested curiously. "Someone like Percival or Vex'ahlia?"
Shaun's brow knitted; he hadn't thought of that. Why hadn't he thought of that? "I don't... maybe? I... guess I didn't want to drag all you lot into this. I know it's not the most comfortable idea I've ever had."
Vax raised a brow. "Shaun, Percival created a gun that shoots power suppression bullets. I thought he told you."
"We sort of had a whole fight about that," Shaun admitted, scratching the back of his neck self-consciously. "Well, not about the gun. About his sense of self-preservation. Anyway... um." Clearly, there was nothing more for him to say. Vax was right. Shaun really had been getting in his own way.
"Yeah," Vax admitted with a soft smile. "I heard about all that. Honestly, I'm grateful. He needed a kick in the head, if you get my meaning."
Shaun met Vax’s eyes, echoing that smile. “Looks like that’s what friends are for. I appreciate that your version of a kick in the head was decidedly softer.”
"You didn't need a kick," Vax's smile widened slowly, his eyes glinting playfully. "Just a bit of a nudge. You're too fucking smart and talented to let much get in your way for long."
Though Shaun's eyes cut away for a beat when Vax said that, he was still grinning, small and pleased. Sure, he could support and boost his friends with boundless enthusiasm, but he had trouble accepting the same. "Still, I needed that. I needed you. Thank you, Vax."
Vax almost went in for a kiss before he remembered himself, pulling his hands back to himself and leaning back on the couch to spread his arms along the back cushions. "So I take it that you're going to stop beating yourself into the ground?"
Funny thing, Gilmore almost let him. It was probably a good thing that Vax caught himself first. Shaun sank into the sofa again, finding his cup of wine one more time. "Promise," he agreed with a small, crooked smile. "I'll even ask for some help."
Shaun and Percy's project room sat unusually quiet today. Only Shaun was in residence, but the usual bustle and color and music that typically accompanied Shaun's creative presence were missing. He sat on a stool on his side of the workshop, half-curled over his worktop with his head propped in one hand. On the table before him lay his usual favorite tools: pliers and snippers, mandrels and wire spools. Most days, he could lose himself for hours in twisting, curling, wrapping, and polishing in copper or bronze. Today, Shaun was stirring a small bowl full of glass beads with the tip of his pliers, staring at it without really seeming to see what he was doing.
Honestly, Shaun looked like he hadn't slept in several days. His hair was pulled back in a curly tail that revealed darker circles under his eyes, and despite his own rigorous skin care regime he was currently experiencing an unsightly breakout across his forehead. Absolutely not glorious.
If Shaun heard anyone come into the room, he gave barely any indication of it; his thoughts were somewhere else.
People rarely heard Vax'ildan enter any place, honestly, especially when he moved through the shadows. Though he'd been looking for Percy, as he saw Shaun sitting there, stooped and pathetic, he stepped from the veil rather than continue his search. He took a few steps toward the other teen, then stopped himself, unsure how to proceed. "Gilmore?"
Hearing his name in Vax's voice seemed like it flipped a switch in Gilmore somewhere. As if a light had been turned on, he straightened up and summoned one of his warm smiles, turning to Vax and spreading his hands like they hadn't seen each other in ages. "Vax'ildan! Hello, gorgeous. You've missed Percy by a bit, I'm afraid, but you know I'm always delighted to entertain you."
And that was what this shift in demeanor was, in part: entertainment. A show that Shaun wrote, directed, and starred in. It was something like a performance, something he thought he had to be, though of course his pleasure at seeing Vax was real.
Vax knew the song and dance well, though this time he wasn't inclined to play along. He'd seen enough of Shaun's state before he'd said anything to realize that the other teen wasn't quite as jovial as he put on. "I don't need entertaining," he gentled, waving a hand to cast the suggestion away. "But I'm starting to think that you might. Or at least a long bath and some quiet music."
Somehow, Shaun managed not to realize that Vax had seen right through him. His smile tugged fondly, though his eyes were tired. "While that sounds divine, my calendar is fully booked. I've got orders, I've got finger joints coming off the 3-D printer in an hour, and I've got a data analysis meeting with Simon in..." Shaun drifted off, his forehead crinkling as he tried to remember exactly when that appointment was set for.
"Yeah, maybe you'd better cancel that," Vax headed for Gilmore's phone, flipping it up in his hand, then tossing it to his friend. "Then you and I are taking a day off."
Shaun fumbled but managed to catch his phone in both hands, though he blinked at it uncertainly. He always wanted to make time for Vax, but the projects on his plate at the moment were something of a matter of life and death. Gilmore bit his lip. "I don't think I can. I have... promises. Responsibilities. You know." The protests sounded weak even to his own ears.
Vax raised his eyebrows at his friend. "Responsibilities that can't wait a day?"
That question wasn't a simple one for Shaun to answer. One side of his mouth quirked up in a rueful smile as he tapped his phone open to start a text to Simon. "Do I really look so bad that you're forced to kidnap me?"
Strolling closer, Vax hopped up to sit on the worktop in front of his friend, leaning close enough to look straight into his eyes as he looked up from the phone. "Dear, you look as though all of the light has gone out of the world and unicorns have ceased to exist. So to answer your question: hell yeah."
If Shaun had puppy ears to go with those puppy-dog eyes, they would have drooped bit by bit as Vax spoke. Instead he just sank back into his chair as his lower lip pouted out. Then, dramatically -- matching Vax's drama, really -- he flung an arm across his face and whispered with overblown despair, "Don't... don't look at me! I'm hideous..."
Vax huffed a soft laugh, then kicked a foot out to gently prod at Shaun's calf. "Darling, you couldn't be hideous if you tried."
A compliment from Vax definitely helped lighten Shaun's mood. He peeked out from under his arm, and then smiled and lowered it. "Well, if you're going to butter me up, how can I resist? Tell me what we're going to do with our day off while I let Simon down easy."
"A picnic? A stroll through the garden?" Vax'ildan suggested. They weren't normally his sort of thing, but it sounded like something that might relax Gilmore.
"Isn't it freezing outside?" Shaun asked, sending off a quick text to Simon. Something came up. Reschedule for tomorrow? He did wonder if Simon might need an afternoon off, too. When he finished, all of his attention was once again Vax's. "Though I do have a very cunning hat and scarf."
Right. Other people were more susceptible to the elements than he was, Vax reminded himself. "Ah...what about a picnic in the attic instead? There are some cozy old couches and chairs up there. I think someone uses them frequently, since there's hardly ever dust. There's even an old fireplace, if we can get it working."
Shaun quirked an eyebrow and looked a little more like his usual self for a second or two. "Lucky you'll have me along. That sounds..." His teasing faded off into a genuine expression of what looked like relief. "That sounds like heaven, actually."
A smile curled Vax's lips, and he nodded. "Then you head on up. I'll grab a bite from the kitchen."
"Meet you there," Shaun promised, and to make good on that promise, he reached to turn off the work lamp on the desk. Now that was dedication.
***
The attic hideaway wasn't hard to find with Vax's direction, even though Gilmore hadn't been there before. It did look cozy, indeed. So much so that Gilmore entered cautiously at first, half sure that someone was already there, snuggled up in one of the warm blankets. After poking a couple with his toe, though, he confirmed he really was alone, and at that moment this place did sort of feel like heaven. He plopped himself down in front of the antique-looking fireplace, and started to tinker with it until Vax reappeared.
Eventually, Vax stepped out of the shadows in the corner of the room, his arms full of a tupperware box full of stolen food. He was pretty sure no one would miss it, and if they did, it's not as though they could point fingers. He was rarely ever seen or heard around the school when he didn't want to be. Inside the box, he had a full container of some kind of cold pasta salad, a wedge of Havarti cheese (and crackers), a bunch of grapes, and a bottle of wine someone had been hiding behind the cereal in the pantry.
He set the box down and pulled out a couple of paper plates, plastic utensils, and two juice glasses that would serve for the wine, come what may. "Hope this is alright. I could have gone for the pizza rolls, but somehow I didn't think that was your style."
The fire crackled to life, and Gilmore looked pleased at having applied his abilities in a useful way. He made a mental note to replace the wood logs in thanks for whomever else regularly used this little retreat, and then scooted back to join Vax. "You know me so well," he sighed, tipping his head and gracing Vax with a smile of pure Gilmore adoration. "I won't even ask how you acquired the wine. We'll just assume we're putting it to better use and saving some poor soul from juvenile delinquency."
"That's me - committing crime to save others from doing so," Vax smirked as he poured the wine. He'd done the same often enough as part of Vox Machina.
"Absolutely philanthropic of you," Gilmore confirmed, curling himself up and propping an elbow on the cushion of the sofa they were leaning against. He watched Vax move for a few moments, the fire crackling in the background as if to gently ward off the oppression of silence. "It's so quiet here," he eventually said, much more softly himself. Somehow, he seemed surprised by it.
"Is that a problem?" Vax asked, offering Gilmore a glass. "It stands to reason that you could use a bit of a retreat from the hussle and bussle of this chaotic little campus. I'd suggest I take you even further, but something tells me that you want to be within reach of a certain tech billionaire."
Shaun took the glass and took a drink before he could think too hard about why he was having a drink in the middle of a random day. "I do prefer to be within grabbing distance of him at any given moment, but alas, the world is jealous and steals him away more often than I'd like." The thought that Nolan might be stolen away permanently lingered darkly in the back of his mind. It was harder and harder to keep his worries about Nolan's long-term health under wraps, these days.
"But this? Is perfect." Shaun lifted his glass to Vax in honor of him. "Thank you, Vax'ildan."
"I'm used to dragging Percival away from the workbench when it looks like a project is about to consume him," Vax admitted, taking a sip of the wine. "But it looked as though the universe was crushing your shoulders."
"Responsibilities," Gilmore reminded him, reaching for a couple of crackers and some cheese to go with them. "Of which you so kindly relieved me. How do my shoulders look now?"
He paused and flexed one arm in the classic pose. Shaun was not particularly well-built or muscular, so it wasn't exactly impressive, but it did make him smile for a moment while he teased. Sure, he was deflecting, and it was probably obvious, but he was smiling and comfortable and relaxed at least.
"Glorious, as always," Vax agreed, popping a grape in his mouth. "But do you want to tell me what has you so down?"
Shaun breathed out a little sigh. Vax was one of his best friends, and Shaun didn't want to keep secrets from him. "It's... the suppression collars. We're moving so slowly I'm starting to despair that we'll ever finish. I have to get this right, but... I'm stuck. It's like there's a blind spot in all of it that I just can't see around."
"Why is this so important to you?" Vax asked, nibbling on a piece of cheese. "These collars, I mean."
Shaun had been able to avoid this question for the most part, but the more creative deflections he came up with, the further away from the truth he felt. Nolan had asked for secrecy, but it the worry weighed on Shaun -- heavy enough that Vax had seen it bowing his shoulders. There was no one for him to talk to about it who wasn't Nolan, and the secret had become a burden that kept him silent when he needed to speak.
Resolutely, Shaun swirled the wine around in his glass, and then downed half of it in one gulp. "Listen, Vax... this isn't something that's mine to tell, but I can't lie to you. You're too pretty." A weak smile. "Can I tell you the truth? Can it stay between us?"
Vax hesitated. He didn't like secrets. He had plenty of them himself, and yet keeping anything from Vex'ahlia or Percy was inherently painful. Then again, Shaun looked as though he were in just as much pain, and he simply couldn't deny him. Leaning forward to set his arms on his knees, Vax nodded. "You've my word. I won't speak of it to anyone."
This was breaking, or at least tarnishing, a promise Shaun had made to Nolan. He knew that. It didn't feel good, knowing what he was about to say, but it didn't feel good keeping it inside, either. He could take care in what he said, focus on his own feelings... and pray that Nolan would forgive him for it.
Shaun glanced away for a second, then back to Vax. "It's Nolan." Of course it was. "His mutation has a side effect that harms him. Maybe permanently. Maybe... worse. When I took that collar off Caleb, using it to help Nolan was the only thing I could think about. I'm not really doing this for 'the benefit of all mutantkind,' I'm doing it to keep my boyfriend with me."
Vax breathed out a soft sound. That was definitely a secret worth keeping, especially since he was pretty sure it was Nolan's. However, he felt some kind of tension loosen in him, hearing the truth of the matter, and his features softened. He looked up at Gilmore and nodded solemnly. "I think I feel better knowing that you're doing it for someone you love."
Now that he'd said it, Shaun felt like something had unlocked in his heart, and the fear he'd been keeping at bay welled up inside him. It wrenched away his better judgement and coughed up everything he'd been holding back for months, all at once, unbidden. "That's just it, I don't know if I can. We've been working at it and working at it, but there's something I'm not seeing, somewhere between the cerebral cortex and electromagnetics and the thalamus and some other shit I don't understand... there's some kind of blind spot and I just..."
Gilmore dropped his head into one palm, covering his eyes. "I can't lose him, Vax. I can't be the reason I lose him."
Vax was out of his seat in a second, moving to Gilmore's side. He slipped a hand up to cup the back of his neck beneath his hair, gently caressing, comforting. "Hey. Listen to me. Nolan isn't hurt because of you, and I'm fairly sure he wouldn't want you blaming yourself over what's going on. Besides that, you are one of the smartest people I know. You are going to figure this thing out. You just need to give yourself some slack, yeah?"
Gilmore leaned in against Vax, soaking in the comfort of his friend's presence. He had been holding in his fears for months to respect Nolan's privacy, without recognizing how much he needed to talk. "I don't know, Vax," he said softly, but at least he didn't sound like he was about to fall apart. "I don't know. Usually everything's obvious and clear and I just... know. I can't afford not to be sure, this time." For much of his life, everything had been easy for Shaun Gilmore. He was good at everything he did, successful when he applied himself, and bordering on brilliant when he was focused and determined. To face an obstacle when the stakes were this high... it felt devastating.
"There's your problem," Vax told him quietly. "You're putting so much weight on it that you're backing your creative genius into a corner."
Vax's low voice and steady confidence kept Shaun from letting himself fall into a panic. One dark brown eye peeked up from between his fingers for a long, regarding moment. It seemed so simple and obvious when Vax said it that way. Could it be? "... really? I'm just... getting in my own way?"
"Yeah. Fuck yeah," Vax told him, offering a small smile. "You got this. You've just got to find a way to relax and let it flow, yeah? You don't work well under deadlines and with facts and science, Shaun. Your power comes from your heart, not your brain."
A bit of a wrinkled brow accompanied Shaun's faint, scrunched smile, but he knew what Vax meant. It made a lot of sense, actually. He started to lower the fingers covering his face. "Simon and Nolan are, like, certified geniuses. Prodigies. I know how to weld and sew."
"Yeah? And those prodigies don't know shit about real people and how to make a thing like that that people will want to actually wear," Vax snorted softly. Not that he was knocking Nolan's sense of style. Okay, maybe he was, a little bit. But still, the geniuses at the school were by and large stuck in their own heads most of the time. And he would know; he was dating one.
"We definitely can't rely on Nolan to know what other people want to wear," Gilmore agreed, with his long-suffering fondness for Nolan's unique and eclectic (and sometimes awful) sense of style. God, talking to Vax helped so much. Already he felt lighter, more steady, and able to breathe. Leaning against Vax's side, reassured by the warmth and steadiness of his contact, helped immensely. Shaun didn't feel quite so alone. "But at this point it looks like something you'd put on a rabid dog. One you don't like very much."
"There's no way to make it look more... stylish?" Vax asked curiously, keeping a warm arm around his friend.
"Every time I try, I lose control of the electromagnetic field," Gilmore sighed. "Which is the same as saying I lose my abilities. That's where we're stuck, now. Well, that and there's no way to know what the long-term side effects are because we don't want to put anyone into it long-term unless we have to." He nipped at his lower lip, aware he was rambling into details now. "I think I'd need an electrical engineering degree and a medical license to understand it. Or be an evil, racist scientist with a bunch of evil, racist money. "
"Maybe you need an outside perspective?" Vax suggested curiously. "Someone like Percival or Vex'ahlia?"
Shaun's brow knitted; he hadn't thought of that. Why hadn't he thought of that? "I don't... maybe? I... guess I didn't want to drag all you lot into this. I know it's not the most comfortable idea I've ever had."
Vax raised a brow. "Shaun, Percival created a gun that shoots power suppression bullets. I thought he told you."
"We sort of had a whole fight about that," Shaun admitted, scratching the back of his neck self-consciously. "Well, not about the gun. About his sense of self-preservation. Anyway... um." Clearly, there was nothing more for him to say. Vax was right. Shaun really had been getting in his own way.
"Yeah," Vax admitted with a soft smile. "I heard about all that. Honestly, I'm grateful. He needed a kick in the head, if you get my meaning."
Shaun met Vax’s eyes, echoing that smile. “Looks like that’s what friends are for. I appreciate that your version of a kick in the head was decidedly softer.”
"You didn't need a kick," Vax's smile widened slowly, his eyes glinting playfully. "Just a bit of a nudge. You're too fucking smart and talented to let much get in your way for long."
Though Shaun's eyes cut away for a beat when Vax said that, he was still grinning, small and pleased. Sure, he could support and boost his friends with boundless enthusiasm, but he had trouble accepting the same. "Still, I needed that. I needed you. Thank you, Vax."
Vax almost went in for a kiss before he remembered himself, pulling his hands back to himself and leaning back on the couch to spread his arms along the back cushions. "So I take it that you're going to stop beating yourself into the ground?"
Funny thing, Gilmore almost let him. It was probably a good thing that Vax caught himself first. Shaun sank into the sofa again, finding his cup of wine one more time. "Promise," he agreed with a small, crooked smile. "I'll even ask for some help."
